Holy crap, how long has it been since I wrote anything? I know, it's been forever! So, here I am. Sitting around on a the Tuesday before Thanksgiving, watching some weird "Turkey Hollow" show, and I thought I might shoot an update and do my best to keep this thing up to date now that I've been making some big changes in life!
What changes you ask? Well...to be honest, it's nothing TOO different, except I'm moving to Korea, had a tummy tuck, upped my workouts, changed my diet and made some big decisions.
Well, let's start at the first one. After being pulled around, bounced around wanting to go here, there everywhere, the decision was pretty much made for me....it was three years in Alaska, or one in Korea. So, I went with the one in Korea. Why not, right? I think it's going to be a good career move. It'll allow me to get a new perspective on being an analyst. Well, I'll actually get to do my job! I know, crazy idea, right? But I can't wait!! It's going to be a whole new challenge! You know me, I like life to be hard! What fun is simple? As for dates, dunno yet. I enjoy the TBD way of life.
Next big step. I finally had my tummy tuck! Thursday will be three weeks since the procedure and I'm already back, hitting the gym better than ever! It's different than before, simply because I know, like my arms, I'm going to start seeing results. Already, I've lost a couple inches, and at my follow up yesterday, the doctor said I was still very bloated and will be for another couple months! Uufdah....if this is bloated, I can't wait to see what it'll be come February or March. But, for now, I'm starting out slowly. Light weight and high reps. This year in Korea, while being an adventure in the job, is going to be a physical transformation. Train hard, train often, but have fun!
So, as for other goals...you guys know me. What would my life be without goals? Right? And you also know, my goals are never small! Life would be so boring without trying to accomplish the impossible. You all started with me on the journey at about 200 pounds, trying to simply enlist in the military. I'm almost 3 years in to this journey, so now it's time to start training for the next step. While no, I'm not talking Ranger school, even I am not so Hooah. However, there is a group called SOAR...instead of me trying to explain it all...check out their website:
http://www.sorbrecruiting.com/160th.htm
I'm not about living an easy life. I'm not content with average. Maybe I'll fail, I dunno. But if I do, I'll be able to finish out my career saying I tried to be part of the best! If I fail, it won't be because I didn't give a damn, it's because I simply wasn't good enough! Reality! It is what it is.
Well, that's really all for now. I'm living in a townhouse, with two friends, two dogs, 10 minutes from work. Living each day to it's fullest...or trying to. It's not all sunshine and roses, but you know life isn't. It's how you deal with it. Being knocked down is part of it all...but as Rocky says, it's not how hard you can hit, it's how hard you can get hit and get back up! (You're welcome for the bit of inspiration!) I'm going to do my darndest to keep my adventures updated, because this year is going to be one hell of a ride!!
Oh, and you can believe I'm gonna be needing help! Until next time my little umpa lumpas!!
Tuesday, November 24, 2015
Thursday, March 26, 2015
The quest for Karma
Warning: Please forgive the ramblings of this post. It's all the thoughts going through my head at this moment, and what's been going on for the last three weeks I want to share with all of you.
About a month ago now, I went into the doctor to talk about my eating problem. Well, as typical mind doctors go, they always try to find the root of the problem. Normally I'd be more resistant to it, knowing what I have going on is my business. Well, something has been off so I decided to go along with it this time.
Long story short, we figured out that a big reason for all my failed relationships, romantic, friendship, familial, etc, has everything to do with my past. That's a pretty obvious statement I know, because of course our past makes us who we are today. But what she was talking about was one particular situation I found myself in when I was very young. I know I've talked about it before, but if you're just tuning in, I was sexually assaulted when I was in kindergarten. I had no idea what was going on at the time, but I'm realizing now, what the fuck?
So, a lot of my trust issues, a lot of me allowing the abuse in my life, all has to do with that moment in time. I'm not saying what happened was my fault, however, how I let it effect my life up until now is. So while I'm not going indulge everything, one of the biggest things we've been discussing is the base of a good relationship. One of those four corners is the concept of being hurt. Whether it's us hurting someone, or someone hurting us. When you're hurt or vice versa, that first pillar, the first corner of that base, is already cracked and damaged and will effect the rest of the foundation. I've had that pillar pretty much destroyed....but it's time to start building it up again.
As we all know, karma is a bitch. I'm on a quest to recover my karma. But it's not just about karma either. The other part of that pillar is not just asking for forgiveness from those we've hurt, but allowing ourselves to forgive. So many people that hurt us know they're doing it but really don't give a damn. That's when it's up to us to forgive them. How does that go? Love your enemies? But it's not for them I'm learning, it's for us. When you learn to forgive, your load is so much lighter. My doctor described it like carrying a really heavy rock. When you carry resentment and anger, it's heavy, it's a pain and it does no good. LET IT GO. Forgive those that hurt you. It's not easy. It's not easy at all. But what I'm learning is, it's necessary.
I know I'm not going to be able to contact every single person in my life who've effected that pillar, but what I do know, is starting today, I'm beginning to rebuild. There are a few people who are going to take courage to contact again, but I do know it's going to happen. It won't happen overnight, but I do know that, with the one contact I've made already, my load is a little lighter. I had the chance to apologize to someone, I didn't mean to hurt and didn't think much of it until I sent him a text. I received a note in return saying that, it too had been weighing on him and has effected how he dealt with others since me. I can't describe how that one contact made me feel so much better, but also knowing his mind is a little more at ease, is amazing and feels so good.
You NEVER know what a simple, "I'm sorry I said that" will do for someone. Being the bigger person sucks, but it also will take that rock out of your hands and help build that base for the first pillar. Forgive someone today to allow yourself to breathe, and let it go whatever it may be. Forgive them, but forgive yourself.
About a month ago now, I went into the doctor to talk about my eating problem. Well, as typical mind doctors go, they always try to find the root of the problem. Normally I'd be more resistant to it, knowing what I have going on is my business. Well, something has been off so I decided to go along with it this time.
Long story short, we figured out that a big reason for all my failed relationships, romantic, friendship, familial, etc, has everything to do with my past. That's a pretty obvious statement I know, because of course our past makes us who we are today. But what she was talking about was one particular situation I found myself in when I was very young. I know I've talked about it before, but if you're just tuning in, I was sexually assaulted when I was in kindergarten. I had no idea what was going on at the time, but I'm realizing now, what the fuck?
So, a lot of my trust issues, a lot of me allowing the abuse in my life, all has to do with that moment in time. I'm not saying what happened was my fault, however, how I let it effect my life up until now is. So while I'm not going indulge everything, one of the biggest things we've been discussing is the base of a good relationship. One of those four corners is the concept of being hurt. Whether it's us hurting someone, or someone hurting us. When you're hurt or vice versa, that first pillar, the first corner of that base, is already cracked and damaged and will effect the rest of the foundation. I've had that pillar pretty much destroyed....but it's time to start building it up again.
As we all know, karma is a bitch. I'm on a quest to recover my karma. But it's not just about karma either. The other part of that pillar is not just asking for forgiveness from those we've hurt, but allowing ourselves to forgive. So many people that hurt us know they're doing it but really don't give a damn. That's when it's up to us to forgive them. How does that go? Love your enemies? But it's not for them I'm learning, it's for us. When you learn to forgive, your load is so much lighter. My doctor described it like carrying a really heavy rock. When you carry resentment and anger, it's heavy, it's a pain and it does no good. LET IT GO. Forgive those that hurt you. It's not easy. It's not easy at all. But what I'm learning is, it's necessary.
I know I'm not going to be able to contact every single person in my life who've effected that pillar, but what I do know, is starting today, I'm beginning to rebuild. There are a few people who are going to take courage to contact again, but I do know it's going to happen. It won't happen overnight, but I do know that, with the one contact I've made already, my load is a little lighter. I had the chance to apologize to someone, I didn't mean to hurt and didn't think much of it until I sent him a text. I received a note in return saying that, it too had been weighing on him and has effected how he dealt with others since me. I can't describe how that one contact made me feel so much better, but also knowing his mind is a little more at ease, is amazing and feels so good.
You NEVER know what a simple, "I'm sorry I said that" will do for someone. Being the bigger person sucks, but it also will take that rock out of your hands and help build that base for the first pillar. Forgive someone today to allow yourself to breathe, and let it go whatever it may be. Forgive them, but forgive yourself.
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
One Day at a Time
My muse of writing, for some reason, has decided to vacation in Tahiti and has left me to do this blog on my own. But there has been a matter wracking my brain for the last week that somehow I need to get out and share with all of you. It's something that I've seen several people addressing lately, especially on Facebook.
The last week for me has easily been one of the hardest I've had in a very long time. Money issues hit me REALLY hard. My health went south when I ended up in the hospital overnight. My car decided it was going to take a holiday and refuse to work. My points for promotion went from 40, to 450 all the way up to maxing out at 798, just as I was hitting that spot where it was possible to get that E5. I lost a guy who was a great guy (for once), but decided that actually doing the right thing was the best option. I didn't do well on the PT test at all, and honestly quit on myself, which I NEVER do. Along with those things, I won't lie, I don't think I've had a decent hair day pretty much that whole week.
At the time it's a really hard lesson to remember, but one of the most important things I've gained in 2015I, is to take everything one day at a time When it came to the money I owe the Army, best words someone said "don't worry about it until there are no other options." Seems simple, right? As for the guy, okay, he's gone. I can dwell or I can simply move on. The old adage "there's more fish in the sea..." thing comes into play here. The points? Looks like I'll be doing a lot of correspondence courses in the meantime and will push me to go OCS, just a little bit more. I found out, the issue I'm having with my car, A LOT of others are and I get it fixed for free.
My point is simply this, it gets better. But, it won't get better if you look at each of your problems as one massive problem. Take it one step at a time. It's true, sometimes that luxury isn't available, but at that point it's time to look at what's going right in your life. Me? I'm finding out very quickly who has my back and won't desert me at the first sign of trouble I'm learning a lot of different resources I can use with the Army, that someday, I'll be able to point someone in the direction they need to be. I'm also realizing, I'm going through this crap because someone else is, too. Our paths are going to cross, and that one thing I learned from this, will make a difference. I'm finding out that while yes, I freak out about problems initially (I won't lie, I'm that person) that if I just slow down and analyze it, I'll see that it's okay. I've been learning that with every goodbye that occurs another hello comes, and sometimes it's what you actually need at that moment in time.
Life is about moments. Small ones, big ones, bad ones and good ones. It's about living in that moment and seeing it for everything it is. I'm not saying I won't stress over things, that's just life. But what is really important is how that stress is handled. Take it on, embrace it and know that it won't last forever, but what it teaches you will.
The last week for me has easily been one of the hardest I've had in a very long time. Money issues hit me REALLY hard. My health went south when I ended up in the hospital overnight. My car decided it was going to take a holiday and refuse to work. My points for promotion went from 40, to 450 all the way up to maxing out at 798, just as I was hitting that spot where it was possible to get that E5. I lost a guy who was a great guy (for once), but decided that actually doing the right thing was the best option. I didn't do well on the PT test at all, and honestly quit on myself, which I NEVER do. Along with those things, I won't lie, I don't think I've had a decent hair day pretty much that whole week.
At the time it's a really hard lesson to remember, but one of the most important things I've gained in 2015I, is to take everything one day at a time When it came to the money I owe the Army, best words someone said "don't worry about it until there are no other options." Seems simple, right? As for the guy, okay, he's gone. I can dwell or I can simply move on. The old adage "there's more fish in the sea..." thing comes into play here. The points? Looks like I'll be doing a lot of correspondence courses in the meantime and will push me to go OCS, just a little bit more. I found out, the issue I'm having with my car, A LOT of others are and I get it fixed for free.
My point is simply this, it gets better. But, it won't get better if you look at each of your problems as one massive problem. Take it one step at a time. It's true, sometimes that luxury isn't available, but at that point it's time to look at what's going right in your life. Me? I'm finding out very quickly who has my back and won't desert me at the first sign of trouble I'm learning a lot of different resources I can use with the Army, that someday, I'll be able to point someone in the direction they need to be. I'm also realizing, I'm going through this crap because someone else is, too. Our paths are going to cross, and that one thing I learned from this, will make a difference. I'm finding out that while yes, I freak out about problems initially (I won't lie, I'm that person) that if I just slow down and analyze it, I'll see that it's okay. I've been learning that with every goodbye that occurs another hello comes, and sometimes it's what you actually need at that moment in time.
Life is about moments. Small ones, big ones, bad ones and good ones. It's about living in that moment and seeing it for everything it is. I'm not saying I won't stress over things, that's just life. But what is really important is how that stress is handled. Take it on, embrace it and know that it won't last forever, but what it teaches you will.
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Cast the first stone
In the dating world, I'm finding that there is A LOT of judgment. We judge first impressions on how the person dresses, what they drive, how they carry themselves, etc, etc. You know, those typical "at a glance" kind of things. As the date goes on, the questions start coming and we start judging on a deeper level. Do they have a career that meshes with ours, do they like the same things, do they have the same beliefs? And this is when the more touchy subjects come in, the biggest being...THE PAST!
Oh, my gosh. I'd like to be very frank with you (and when they ask, this is pretty much what I will tell a possible future suitor.) I am currently 30 years old. Before I met my husband, I loved dating and all the perks that came with it. Now that I am a divorcee, I am REALLY enjoying dating. I'm enjoying dating men, not boys. They're mature (most of the time) they know what they want in life, and most are secure in what I do for a living, even respect it and find it to be a bit of a turn on. But then there's a few, one in particular in the last couple days, who brought up my past and my current situation. They ask about how many men I've been with, how many am I seeing at once, why I've made some of the choices I have, and how on earth, and how do I dare, have some of the relationships I have with guys.
First, I believe in honesty 100% in any kind of relationship, and I tell them that, straight up. That being said, IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW, DON'T ASK. If you ask me a question about my past and current relationships, I will tell you and I won't sugar coat it. Yeah, I'm dating more than one guy. So what? I didn't hear anyone say they're committing to me, and until that happens, it's all fair game. Second, if you're not happy with the answer, don't you dare judge me! How does that go? "He who is without sin, cast the first stone." If you're going to judge me for the way I live my life, you better be totally clear of sin, especially on the moral grounds. (Let me give you an example: This guy judged me on my dating history, how I've been with SO many males, yet he's in a contract marriage, simply to get BAH from the Army....please tell me how, breaking the sanctity of marriage is morally okay, yet dating a few guys isn't...)
I'm very lucky to be in a profession and in an environment, where more often than not, I'm not worried to share how I'm living with people. I'm not afraid of being judged or looked down on. But one thing I'm learning through this, is even if I am judged, I do not give two f*cks what people think....simply because, I know that when there is ONE person who says "it's just you and me" they're going to be okay with my past. They'll realize that everything I do everyday and everything I have done up to this point, is making me who I am. It's making my skin thicker and forcing me to be a stronger version of me. It's allowing me to step out of my comfort zone and meet people and talk to people who I would have never given a second look to. It's teaching me that there are SO many kinds of people in this world, and more importantly, life is FUN!
So, judge me if you will. I like going on dates It's a blast. I love being with men because there's something very comforting about it. Sure, I'll find that "one" someday, but I refuse to settle for someone who "can maybe just stop being so...judgmental and get over it." Take me or leave me, those are the only two options Mr. Right has....so, good luck to him, but to whomever it is, let me put this out there: You'll never find anyone as loyal, as willing to love, ready to experience life, and willing to give of themselves, 100% to the person who is able to take me for who I am.
Oh, my gosh. I'd like to be very frank with you (and when they ask, this is pretty much what I will tell a possible future suitor.) I am currently 30 years old. Before I met my husband, I loved dating and all the perks that came with it. Now that I am a divorcee, I am REALLY enjoying dating. I'm enjoying dating men, not boys. They're mature (most of the time) they know what they want in life, and most are secure in what I do for a living, even respect it and find it to be a bit of a turn on. But then there's a few, one in particular in the last couple days, who brought up my past and my current situation. They ask about how many men I've been with, how many am I seeing at once, why I've made some of the choices I have, and how on earth, and how do I dare, have some of the relationships I have with guys.
First, I believe in honesty 100% in any kind of relationship, and I tell them that, straight up. That being said, IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW, DON'T ASK. If you ask me a question about my past and current relationships, I will tell you and I won't sugar coat it. Yeah, I'm dating more than one guy. So what? I didn't hear anyone say they're committing to me, and until that happens, it's all fair game. Second, if you're not happy with the answer, don't you dare judge me! How does that go? "He who is without sin, cast the first stone." If you're going to judge me for the way I live my life, you better be totally clear of sin, especially on the moral grounds. (Let me give you an example: This guy judged me on my dating history, how I've been with SO many males, yet he's in a contract marriage, simply to get BAH from the Army....please tell me how, breaking the sanctity of marriage is morally okay, yet dating a few guys isn't...)
I'm very lucky to be in a profession and in an environment, where more often than not, I'm not worried to share how I'm living with people. I'm not afraid of being judged or looked down on. But one thing I'm learning through this, is even if I am judged, I do not give two f*cks what people think....simply because, I know that when there is ONE person who says "it's just you and me" they're going to be okay with my past. They'll realize that everything I do everyday and everything I have done up to this point, is making me who I am. It's making my skin thicker and forcing me to be a stronger version of me. It's allowing me to step out of my comfort zone and meet people and talk to people who I would have never given a second look to. It's teaching me that there are SO many kinds of people in this world, and more importantly, life is FUN!
So, judge me if you will. I like going on dates It's a blast. I love being with men because there's something very comforting about it. Sure, I'll find that "one" someday, but I refuse to settle for someone who "can maybe just stop being so...judgmental and get over it." Take me or leave me, those are the only two options Mr. Right has....so, good luck to him, but to whomever it is, let me put this out there: You'll never find anyone as loyal, as willing to love, ready to experience life, and willing to give of themselves, 100% to the person who is able to take me for who I am.
Friday, January 2, 2015
2015, yet again, another new start
For the last couple days, I've been trying to think of some Earth moving, tear jerking blog to share with you guys. Every theme from New Years Resolutions, to brand new starts, etc etc. You know, that a-typical brand new year blog. But one thing I realized this year as I was sitting on my couch as the clock struck 12, is that we always try to complicate every January 1st. We make outlandish goals like "I'm gonna lose 100 pounds" or, "I'm going to start a brand new career." We don't set ourselves up for success, we set our year up to fail.
While new years resolutions are a nice place to start, I think by the middle of January, February if we're REALLY ambitious, we get caught up in life everyday we forget about what we wanted. We make them so large and almost to the point of unattainable, our ambition is like "HELL YEAH" when that clock strikes midnight. Maybe sometimes it's the champagne talking, but we all get caught up in the hype. I admit it, I do the same thing! I'm all Hooah January 1st, then by Valentines Day, I'm like, fuck it all, gimme those chocolates!!!
The thing, however, I do LOVE about new years resolutions is that, for a moment in time, we're selfish! We think about what we want, what we need and disregard the rest of the world! It's a moment in time that we really are true to ourselves, and that is where we should start.
With those thoughts in mind, rather than setting any resolutions this year, I am going into this January with two thoughts:
1. I want to be a better person: This means keep up with my exercise routine, keep eating healthy. It also means I am going to be a better friend, a better soldier, a better me. Each day it'll be a battle, but I'm prepared to litter my apartment with cheesy signs and motivational crap, a constant reminder of who I want to be.
2. Live in the moment: As the clock struck midnight, I was sitting next to a guy who I REALLY like. Before, I'd worry, gee, are we gonna celebrate Valentines Day together too?? How about next Christmas? I'm SOOO guilty of this, planning my life three months in advance. I forget about the here and now. Sometimes you have to plan, yes, but as in moments like that midnight, I realized, even if Valentines Day or Christmas doesn't happen, this moment, right now, is perfect. I'm not going to worry what my life holds that far ahead, rather realize that each moment I celebrate with special people in my life, is a blessing. It's a moment I won't get back and I'm going to soak it in.
Happy 2015 everyone. I hope this year brings SO many blessings for you all. I hope you realize that each day is special, whether you mess up on your diet or not!
While new years resolutions are a nice place to start, I think by the middle of January, February if we're REALLY ambitious, we get caught up in life everyday we forget about what we wanted. We make them so large and almost to the point of unattainable, our ambition is like "HELL YEAH" when that clock strikes midnight. Maybe sometimes it's the champagne talking, but we all get caught up in the hype. I admit it, I do the same thing! I'm all Hooah January 1st, then by Valentines Day, I'm like, fuck it all, gimme those chocolates!!!
The thing, however, I do LOVE about new years resolutions is that, for a moment in time, we're selfish! We think about what we want, what we need and disregard the rest of the world! It's a moment in time that we really are true to ourselves, and that is where we should start.
With those thoughts in mind, rather than setting any resolutions this year, I am going into this January with two thoughts:
1. I want to be a better person: This means keep up with my exercise routine, keep eating healthy. It also means I am going to be a better friend, a better soldier, a better me. Each day it'll be a battle, but I'm prepared to litter my apartment with cheesy signs and motivational crap, a constant reminder of who I want to be.
2. Live in the moment: As the clock struck midnight, I was sitting next to a guy who I REALLY like. Before, I'd worry, gee, are we gonna celebrate Valentines Day together too?? How about next Christmas? I'm SOOO guilty of this, planning my life three months in advance. I forget about the here and now. Sometimes you have to plan, yes, but as in moments like that midnight, I realized, even if Valentines Day or Christmas doesn't happen, this moment, right now, is perfect. I'm not going to worry what my life holds that far ahead, rather realize that each moment I celebrate with special people in my life, is a blessing. It's a moment I won't get back and I'm going to soak it in.
Happy 2015 everyone. I hope this year brings SO many blessings for you all. I hope you realize that each day is special, whether you mess up on your diet or not!
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