New Years = The Best!

Ya know what I love about this time of year?  We get one week of "guilt free" fun! Aka, the week before New Years!  When that clock hits midnight we all get a clean slate!!

Two days after Christmas I stepped on the scale, and oh crap!  I gain 2.5 of the 5 I lost back!  Talk about a bah humbug moment!! I watched every single bite I took, and probably annoyed the crap out of my family with all my diet demands!  (P.S. Thank you to my family for putting up with it!)  I worked hard, I dieted harder and I feel like failure!

Well, one week from today, I get a new slate!! How awesome!  I, however, am starting one week early. Why not, eh? Why should we wait for our lives to begin.  I read a stat that 75% of people make a new years resolution.  45% of those people fail within one week, and 40% of the remaining fail after one month.  I'm not gonna be part of that stat again.

I WILL reach my goal in 2012. Why? Because I can. And I dare someone to tell me otherwise!

“Another fresh new year is here . . .
Another year to live!
To banish worry, doubt, and fear,
To love and laugh and give!

This bright new year is given me
To live each day with zest . . .
To daily grow and try to be
My highest and my best!

I have the opportunity
Once more to right some wrongs,
To pray for peace, to plant a tree,
And sing more joyful songs!”




 HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE! May your 2012 be as awesome as mine is going to be!!

Today I'm Thankful for New Years Resolutions

This morning I woke up and discovered I did not get paid.  Four days before Christmas and my bank account said "$12.15" umm....crap.

Well, being me, I freaked out! I started listing all the bills that had yet to be paid to Colin, and he just calmly sat there.  Then, in his OH so perfect timing, he informed me "Oh, I won't be getting paid my full G.I. Bill payment in January either, thanks to winter break."  GAH! Seriously, he decided, at this very moment to tell me this!?!?   To which I responded to him "Well what the hell?! WHY NOT?! How are we going to pay this? And how are we going to pay that?!?"  And going on and on in my calm manner.

Well, after I realized (at least told him I realized) it was all going to be okay, I decided I needed to go for a run. I stepped foot outside, and while there is a lack of snow, there is certainly not a lack of cold.  This is when I decided I was thankful for the treadmill in our basement.

While I was running, something my dad tells me on a regular basis was going through my head (and I really should take it to heart.)  This circumstance is only temporary. It's only money, and you will get caught up on things.  All married couples go through a rough patch, and we're getting ours out of the way early!

Ya know, this is what I get for following a dream.  I could have (and was offered) several 9 to 5 jobs. I could be secure working behind a desk somewhere, invisible to the world.  But I decided, that wasn't good enough.  I decided, and with Colin's blessing, to go for something that is going to make a difference.

The new year is coming close.  It's time for resolutions.  Well, I got the weight loss and exercise thing under control.
(Totally useless fact: 40%-45% of adults make a resolution each year. 75% fail after the first week)

So, what am I going to resolve this year?  What do I need to work on?! Well, I've decided, each day I need to find one thing I'm thankful for.  Whether it's a hubby who's letting me follow my goal, parents who are pretty much giving their right arms to help us through, or friends who NEVER stop cheering for me.   Each day, I will find something I'm thankful for.  I've shared those repeatedly, so I will find new things! Whether it's small or large, every day!

May I suggest you do the same, it'll make your new year a much happier, and successful one!

Christmas Miracles

I love Christmas, I always have.  There is something about this season, no matter how old you get, you can feel like a kid again!  There's something about the thought of waking up on December 25th, coming downstairs and seeing those gifts underneath the tree!  SANTA CAME! Don't tell me you don't get butterflies remembering that feeling.

This year is different for some reason.  Well, I can tell you why.  There's no snow on the ground.  People are being less than in the Christmas mood.  They've been selfish, grumpy, uncaring, and there's SO much hate in the world right now.  With the economy, we have no presents under the tree. I don't want anything, I want to be able to give them!  I want to see the look on people's faces when they open the "perfect" gift!

Well, no money, no snow, no humanity towards others, the lights don't twinkle as much, all I have to say is merry freakin' Christmas to the world!

Driving to work today, looking at the bleak, brown world around me, day dreaming of a white Christmas, I remembered another reason I love Christmas. I love the idea of the Christmas miracle.  Ya know, you turn on the Hallmark channel this time of year and the movies are full of them!! But then you realize, a miracle doesn't have to be the parting of a sea, it can be so much as getting a check from the government when you REALLY needed that extra lift (yeah, it happened!)  It's meeting a friend of a friend who, you know, somehow, is going to help you make your goals come true (yeah, happened again!) Or, it's going to a dear friend's home for a party and having a person who means the WORLD, and beyond to you, walk in the front door. (Again, totally happened!)

Christmas miracles are the things we miss when we're yelling at the people at the mall 'cus they're going slow.  We miss them when we're so consumed in our own lives, we forget that a hug in itself is a miraculous thing.  Making someone smile, out of the time and effort you put into something, THAT is what Christmas is.  It's the everyday things, that, for some reason, we skip over day in and day out.  I guess you could say, life is the gift that keeps on giving.

Christmas miracles do happen.  Not just on the Hallmark channel, but every time someone opens their hearts to fellow human beings.  Love, in itself, is a Christmas miracle.  As much as I hate "Jesus is the reason for the season" slogan, I do believe, that the point of CHRISTmas, is to renew our faith in what God wants from us.  We can be someone else's Christmas miracle,

And besides, you never know, I could still get my white Christmas, I'm not giving up on mother nature quite yet.

Soldier's Night Before Christmas

This time of year, it's so easy to get caught up in life.  The diets of Christmas (or the breaking of them.)  All the hustle and bustle of gift buying.   While it's fun to unwrap all that pretty paper, we need to take time and remember why we are able to do what we do.  Sometimes I get so caught up in diets and exercise, I forget WHY I'm doing it.  I've realized this year, more than many, this may be my last year here for a while, but I want to serve. I'm not only wanting to sacrifice, I'm asking my whole family to do the same.  However, a soldier is proud, a soldier is strong, even on Christmas!  So, to not go on for too long, here is "The Soldier's Night Before Christmas."  A story of a soldier on the day everyone should be with the people they love, but sacrifice a lot for us.  (Below is the video, I highly recommend a listen with a tissue!)

Twas the night before Christmas, he lived all alone,

In a one bedroom house made of plaster & stone.

I had come down the chimney, with presents to give

and to see just who in this home did live

As I looked all about, a strange sight I did see,

no tinsel, no presents, not even a tree.

No stocking by the fire, just boots filled with sand.

On the wall hung pictures of a far distant land.

With medals and badges, awards of all kind,

a sobering thought soon came to my mind.

For this house was different, unlike any I'd seen.

This was the home of a U.S. Marine.

I'd heard stories about them, I had to see more,

so I walked down the hall and pushed open the door.

And there he lay sleeping, silent, alone,

Curled up on the floor in his one-bedroom home.

He seemed so gentle, his face so serene,

Not how I pictured a U.S. Marine.

Was this the hero, of whom I’d just read?

Curled up in his poncho, a floor for his bed?

His head was clean-shaven, his weathered face tan.

I soon understood, this was more than a man.

For I realized the families that I saw that night,

owed their lives to these men, who were willing to fight.

Soon around the Nation, the children would play,

And grown-ups would celebrate on a bright Christmas day.

They all enjoyed freedom, each month and all year,

because of Marines like this one lying here.

I couldn’t help wonder how many lay alone,

on a cold Christmas Eve, in a land far from home.

Just the very thought brought a tear to my eye.

I dropped to my knees and I started to cry.

He must have awoken, for I heard a rough voice,

"Santa, don't cry, this life is my choice

I fight for freedom, I don't ask for more.

My life is my God, my country, my Corps."

With that he rolled over, drifted off into sleep,

I couldn't control it, I continued to weep.

I watched him for hours, so silent and still.

I noticed he shivered from the cold night's chill.

So I took off my jacket, the one made of red,

and covered this Marine from his toes to his head.

Then I put on his T-shirt of scarlet and gold,

with an eagle, globe and anchor emblazoned so bold.

And although it barely fit me, I began to swell with pride,

and for one shining moment, I was Marine Corps deep inside.

I didn't want to leave him so quiet in the night,

this guardian of honor so willing to fight.

But half asleep he rolled over, and in a voice clean and pure,

said "Carry on, Santa, it's Christmas Day, all secure."

One look at my watch and I knew he was right,

Merry Christmas my friend, Semper Fi and goodnight.

What's it gonna take?

It is SO frustrating, this whole "dieting" thing!  I am so good, and stay good for about  a week, then a wrench comes in and just throws the whole thing off whack! Everything I worked so hard for, gone in a mere day!

So I ask, what on Earth is it going to take to stay on track?! I know I've done so much so far, and you'd think it would be easy, but there is a bug in my brain. It's like a computer virus.  You know it's there, SOMEWHERE, but you don't know where, or how it really got there, or what it's going to take to get rid of it! I wish there was a diet brain scan.  You simply run the scan and it tells you what in your brain is stopping you and poof, they can wipe it clean!

Alas, there is nothing like that, and I'm gonna have to figure it out for myself, again.  You'd think having someone around 24/7 would keep me more right here right now, but no. UGH! Does anyone have an answer?! Well, tomorrow starts a new day AGAIN.  This week is Thanksgiving, and thus starts the Christmas season.  They say magical things happen this time of year and maybe, just maybe, I'll have a small one of my own!

Is skinny really the thing?

The other day I saw a friend I hadn't seen in a very long time.  The first thing that came out of their mouth was "wow Cara, you're looking skinny!"

While, I'm not saying it's a terrible thing.  I was flattered when they thought so. However, why did they say skinny instead of "fit?" What kind of society do we live in where it's more ideal to be skinny than fit? Should I be all squeely and giddy that I looked skinny?

It's almost as if the work I do, day in and day out, is not to be fit, and strong and be proud of these thunder thighs, rather, I'm doing the work to be skinny. I would love it if, as a society, we stopped complements based on our pant size.  If being skinny was my goal, I'd be doing a lot less than what I'm doing now. I'd go and starve myself for a month, but that's not what I want, I want to be strong, healthy!

So, when you see me and if you want to give me a real complement, tell me I'm looking strong or healthy. Tell me I look good, or even hot!!  Ask me for  some recipes, or advice. But don't say "you're looking skinny," that just cheapens all the real work I've been doing!!

                                                               

                                                                 Skinny versus Healthy                  
                                                              Which do you want to be?

                                                                 

        

Which do you want to be?

To Hell, and not yet back.

Have you ever wanted to know what Hell was like? Well, come with me, take a walk in my shoes for the last three weeks.  Since I was so kindly rejected at MEPS, my life seems to have been going in a downward spiral, quickly.  Day after day has there have been new hurdles that seem to be challenging me and wanting to trip me up. At this point, they are successful in doing so.

From loan denials because of Colin's FIRST deployment (in 2002), losing my job that I had for a whopping week 'cus they decided to move to Canada over night, to no employer returning my calls, to US Bank and USAA f-in me over TWICE in a month, Colin's car going to s**t, plus Tony hurting himself and needing stitches.  And that my friends, is just the tip of the iceberg!!  It's ya know, those little things that add up really quickly each and every day. It's that "oh I'm out of gas and need to drive downtown" time, or the "well, that person cut me off and almost ran me into a ditch" or the "I really need someone to talk to, but no one is there" moment.  Best yet, because of our financial situation, Colin has decided to deploy again so we can start a whole new life together.  If/when he gets accepted and his profile is clear, off to Afghanistan my soldier will go...again.  (Oh yeah, and Spike spit up a hairball on my pants this morning within half n hour of when I woke up...)

I'm being put in situations I've never been in, and am struggling with it.  I'm struggling every single day to figure out WHY God is putting me in the shoes s/he is.  Is it because I did something to piss God off, or because when all this crap is done, I'm going to be one hell of a strong person?  They say everything happens for a reason but I am really starting to doubt it. 

So if someone would please fill me in as to what God's plan is, I would really appreciate it. 

Quote the Raven...

For the last two weeks there has been a raven crowing outside our house.  Before I left for MEPS two days ago, I thought it was a bad omen.  Not a constant crow, rather a heckle. A heckle as to say "Haha Cara, you suck, you're not going to make it!"

Well, as I found out yesterday, he was right (or so I thought). He was laughing at me.  (Damn you crow!) However, my mom read me a few stories about the raven.  How it was Edgar Allen Poe who brought this darn cloud over this once powerful bird. Here's some of the unknown stories about Ravens:

"Raven is an omen of change. Ravens live in the void and have no sense of time, therefore being able to see past, present and future simultaneously. They unite both the light and the dark, both the inner and the outer. Raven is the totem of the Great Spirit and must be held with utmost respect. They are representations of creation and spiritual strength. 

Ravens are messengers, telling us about the creation and magic all around us, that is available to us just for the asking. Look for opportunities to bring into being the magic of life. The striking black colour of the crow represents the colour of creation. It is the womb out of which the new comes into existence. Black is the colour of the night, giving birth to the light of a new day. 


As ravens are adaptable to all environments and will eat almost anything, they can survive in almost any situation. Ravens are surrounded by magic, unseen forces and spiritual strength. If crow enters your life, get out of your familiar nest, look beyond your present range of vision, listen to the message(s) in its caw and act accordingly."


"...the raven is often heard to cackle utterances that sound like "cras, cras." The actual word cras is tomorrow in Latin."


"The raven is symbolic of mind, thought and wisdom according to Norse legend, as their god Odin was accompanied by two ravens: Hugin who represented the power of thoughtand active search for information. The other raven, Mugin represented the mind, and itsability to intuit meaning rather than hunting for it."


"Other Native North American tribes saw the raven as the bringer of light. In fact, southwestern tribes (Hopi, Navajo, Zuni) felt the raven was flew out from the dark womb of the cosmos, and with it brought the light of the sun (dawning of understanding). Consequently, the raven is considered a venerated bird of creation, for without the raven, humans would forever live in darkness."


So let's see, the Raven is:
1. Omen of change
2. Can see past present and future
3. Unite inner and outer light and darkness.
4. Represent color of creation
5. Messengers, waiting to tell us about the magic all around
6. Adaptable to all enviornments.
7. Always looking to tomorrow
8. Strong of mind, thought and wisdom
9. Bringer of life and light.


What a bird, huh?  I'm sitting here, listening to this bird outside my window. It knows something, it HAS known something all along that I didn't/don't. Out of all the things I've read about this bird, the two parts that stick out the most: 

If crow enters your life, get out of your familiar nest, look beyond your present range of vision, listen to the message(s) in its caw and act accordingly."

"...the raven is often heard to cackle utterances that sound like "cras, cras." The actual word cras is tomorrow in Latin."

While yesterday was horrible, today sucks just as much tomorrow is a new day. Sunday is a new day.  Hell, MONDAY is gonna be a new day. This raven is hanging out around my house for a reason.  He knows I'm meant for something, and he's here to tell me to not give up.  Now, I just gotta listen to that damn bird and know that my future is still bright and not give up...

To be continued...??

Today is the day of judgement...well, today and tomorrow morning! I didn't want to post anything because I am a firm believer in curses, if I say something, I won't get it. Whenever I watch a Twins game on TV, they seem to lose.  Whenever I'm cheering for any particular team, they lose! Colin makes fun of me all the time for thinking this way.  I figured, hey, better safe than sorry, no?

However, I couldn't not write anything because I've realized the thing that has been getting me through these last few hard times is everyone's encouragement! So, like I said, today is the day of judgement. I'm going to MEPS (Military Entrance Processing Station) Oh, let me back up a spot or two, I made tape at the recruiter's office!!! That was huge (it would have been a bigger deal if Tony, my dog, hadn't needed 30 stitches, but that's a whole nother story!)

So  because I made it there, I filled out all my paper work that I need and they're sending me to MEPS.  Tonight is the night I take my ASVAB. I've been studying for this thing for a long time. I'm fairly confident with it. I'm a smart gal, most of the time.  It's tomorrow morning that has been causing me to lose sleep...and a lot of it! Thursday they're going to be waking me up bright and early (no too early, it is the government after all) and I'm going to be measured.  I've been calling this process "The Nazi Tapes" because they are SO much stricter, and if they think I'm sucking in or cheating in any way, I'll fail!

Before every karate tournament when I was younger, my dad would always tell me "Remember Cara, you have the best teachers, you've had the best training, give it all you got!" The same sort of thing applies here.  I've had the best trainers, I've had the biggest support group and been working my arse off for almost 3 years now.

Maybe it's my time, maybe it's not. I don't know. All I know is, there isn't a lot in life that scares me, but I'm terrified right now. I'm so scared of the rejection I may face tomorrow morning. Everyone's been saying "you got this" and I'm beyond grateful for all the support, but I'm more used to "not quite there" that's all I can seem to think about.  I'm trying not to, but it's these old tapes.

Well, there really isn't a lot more to say, except, HOPEFULLY I'll have good news to report tomorrow. If I don't, well, I guess that damn horse is gonna get another couple miles on it!

You guys rock!

I'm starting this blog, with not sure of what I want to say but knowing I need to say something.  Thursday is coming up really quickly and it's making me re-examine just about everything in life.  Interesting how something you've done (what feels like) a million times can make you think of something different every time you go.  

My last couple trips to the recruiter's office it's made me think a lot about my life.  Where I'm coming from, where I'm going and what I've achieved.  This time, this week, I've thought a lot about the other people who have gotten me to where I am!

As I was running with my new friend Kelly today, I was talking about my parents and how they literally have given me every opportunity to reach my goal.  They've always told me, being happy is the most important thing in life, and they've put their money where their mouth is.  At every turn, they've done everything in their power to help me along my journey!!

Family has always been by my side.  Colin has given up everything to help me.  Between deployments and letting me put everything into this goal, he could have easily said "Ya know, why don't you just do a 9 to 5 job. We'll be fine!" But no, he goes to school full time, works  every chance he can PLUS still drills on weekends with his unit. A lot of men wouldn't be as willing to step back and say "go for it," as he is.  I am damn lucky.

Again, family doesn't have to be, but mine has been SO beyond supportive I don't ever want to let them down.  However, through these past years, I have met so many amazing people and better yet, met people who I KNOW I will get to be friends with for the rest of my life!

There are a few ladies in particular who I love like sisters.  I would do anything for them and I know that no matter what I'm going through I will always have a shoulder. Mary Jo, Carrie, Kaity, Cassie, Caitlin and Lulu, because of you guys I'm still on this damn path.  So many times I've wanted to give up because I was too tired of fighting for this.  Thought it was too hard to ever even come close.  Especially in these last 6 months or so, you guys, whether you know it or not, have gotten me past the hardest challenge of my life!!  Because of you, I get the boring rosemary chicken, or simply sit and have coffee with you before going for a little walk!  You guys have put up with all my crap every time we go out! You put up with my constant "do you know how much sodium is in that!?" and you guys just smile!  I don't know many people who would still love me like you guys do after two and a half years of that! :)

My Golds friends.  Over a year has gone by since my first real workout home closed.  I don't even know what to say about Golds.  It's where I realized anything, and I mean ANYTHING is possible! The first time I stepped foot into Golds and signed up, I remember Norman coming up and say "Welcome to our dysfunctional family!" And that's totally what it was...but it SO worked!!

Now my bootcamp loves! When Golds closed, I went from gym to gym trying to fill the void that the lack of Golds left.  The camaraderie, the fun and the challenge. Kelly, since I came to bootcamp, you have given me my confidence back that I lost for a while. Every time I go to class I feel like I'm Superwoman!! Doing burpies at the speed of light, able to star jump from building to building in a single bound!! It has given me this final push that I NEEDED.  You were there bringing me back to reality when I "couldn't figure out WHY the weight wouldn't come off!"  Bootcamp is not just an amazing workout, but I have met a whole group of people who are absolutely amazing!  They get my butt out of bed at 5am and they don't even know it!

Finally, the newest group that has given my a new lease on life, are all the people at Gorilla Combat.  At first I loved this place, 'cus after a hard day, or frustrating day I could go punch something for an hour.  It felt good.  But what I learned was how special each person there was! So many different types of folks, and no matter how horrible my day was, I would always leave after that hour, smiling. Even when almost being kicked in the face, I can't help but laugh!! This is a group of very dedicated people, not just to the sport, but to each other! It's rare to find those people who care about others so much, but these people do!  I feel so lucky to have met this group!

Of course there are people I meet everyday and those who I've gotten to know better over this journey, who inspire me to keep going.  They make me want to better myself, which in turn keeps me going down this road.  The people who post the comments on Facebook with strong words of encouragements, those people who just say "wow, that's awesome!" Or the people who just say "let us know how it went on..." So, to all of you, thank you for keeping me going!   I didn't know just what I wanted to say when I started this...so, I guess that's that! :) You guys rock!

When the time comes, you'll know.

How many times have we all heard this cliche? When you meet that person, "you'll know!" I know when I see that one gift, that it'll be the one!! I just don't know what I want to eat, but when I see it, I'll know! Ugh!  Well, I think the same thing happens with life.  When you reach that crossroads, and you're faced with a dilemma, you'll just know!


Well, today I was placed at a crossroad.  Well, I'm at a crossroad where I'll have to think about options.  I had an interview today at a bank that I thought was for a part time teller job. Turns out it was for a Personal Banker position.  Full 40 hours, 401k, bonus incentives, etc.  Sounds great, right? Let me tell you, it sounds even better when you know your unemployment is coming to an end soon.  Getting done with the interview, I had a great feeling.  They liked me, they loved my answers, I got a couple winks, all the signs I usually would LOVE to see in an interview.


When I asked about the hours, I realized I would have to give up my Gorilla.  If you haven't been around, Gorilla Combat has been REALLY helping me get to where I am right now, being 1% away from my dream!


As the managers were talking about the bank, everything sounded so wonderful!! Okay, it sounded wonderful to the me three years ago.  I was so torn.  I could give Colin a solid base to finish his schooling.  It would be a 35k job.  Not bad for starting pay.  The people couldn't have been more delightful to interview with too.  The other kicker "we don't want to train someone then have them decide this isn't a good fit!"  As I am the way I am, I do not like doing that to people anyway.  If I commit to a job, I will be committed. With this in mind, that means I'd have to maintain my weight and size for THREE YEARS!  Without being able to do Gorilla, I'd be lucky if this happened, not to mention lose anymore!


So here I am.  To my left, U.S. Bank.  A business life.  A cubicle. Business suits, meetings, 401ks, a nice steady paycheck. A home and family to come home to every night. A life where I COULD start a family in a couple years if I want.  I would stay in Minnesota the rest of my life. I would have my friends forever. I could continue my bootcamp, and possibly find another boxing gym SOMEWHERE.


And to the right, my path to the Army.  Creditors calling everyday.  Not being able to go out because of training.  Not drinking for 8 months at a time. Early mornings, late nights and LONG runs.  Diets, headaches, and major stress.  Then leaving my family and friends for years plus at a time.  Not seeing my husband and dogs. The feeling of homesickness.


When I posed this dilemma on Facebook, I had people give me GREAT excuses for an easy out. The mere idea of the Army will always be there, thoughts. Talking with Colin tonight, I realized, that's exactly what it would be, an easy out.  The path of "ya know, I did what I could, I'll be fine with this."


I sit back and I look at these options, but I also look at the road I've been going down for the last three years.  What's kept me getting up early and running down the roads? What has inspired me to lose 80 pounds and 65 inches?!  It wasn't the dream of a 9 to 5 job.  That's not my desire.  My desire is to see the world, LOVE what I'm doing and wake up in the morning with no regrets.  I don't want a life of "What if!?"  I also don't want to be that person who says "I'm fine doing this for the next 30 years!"


No.  I'm not a cubicle person.  I WILL NOT give up on my dream.  Not when I've come this far, and have had so many people backing me up! I know if I went with a regular job people would support me 110% but I don't think I could support me 110%.  


If you all haven't been able to tell, I love quotes! For some reason, famous people can say things so much better than us normal folk. There is one quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson, I found particularly comforting in this time:
"Whatever you do, you need courage. Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires some of the same courage that a soldier needs. Peace has its victories, but it takes brave men and women to win them." 



So, I guess the time has come for me.  I now know that I can't give up.  While the normal life seems tempting, I now know that where I'm going is where I am really meant to be.

An explanation of me

I feel like I've been apologizing a lot lately to many people for my workout schedule.  It is intense, yes.  It's more than most people do, yes.  And it even is taking a major priority in my life. I am not able to do everything I would LOVE to do because of it.  However, I am not going to apologize anymore!

There are some people who won't understand what it's like to be passionate about anything.  I feel very sad for those people.  To not have anything to wake up for in the morning, or get them through the day. I've even had someone say "you've only been doing it for three years, it can't be THAT important."  Well to those people I say "your child is only three years old, it really can't be THAT important!" Exactly, you know how, well, mean it sounds!

Working out has quite literally changed my entire life!  The way I feel about me has done a complete 180!  And now I have a goal! A goal which includes an incredibly hard diet (especially when going to numerous Twins games and the State Fair!) and a very rigorous workout routine.

It's funny, I had a good friend of mine say to me last night "ya know, we thought you would get down to your weight and size and say, never mind."  I thought that was odd, because that must have been who I was at some point!  Not saying it's a bad thing, but the type of person who gets to somewhere and says "well, that's enough!"  What working out has taught me, just as a person and about life, is there is ALWAYS one step more.

No longer is there a "oh, I'm there, that's enough!" Nope. I am going to be going to bootcamp.  I will be an Officer in the Army. Once I'm in, that won't be enough either.  I'll have new goals, new challenges and who knows, by the end of THIS journey, I might come out with a Ph. D. or maybe the Presidency...I guess we'll just have to see!!

Whole new starts, then and now.

Can you believe it?  The State Fair is already here, which means school is starting just around the corner.  One of my favorite things to do this time of year is go to Target and walk through the school supplies! I love the smells, seeing the fashions of notebooks (Yeah, they are fashionable, don't lie! I know you spent an hour trying to find the coolest one when you were in school!) and trying to find the best looking and functioning pens (I always got stuck with boring BICs!) Do you remember the anticipation of your first day of school? Whether it was elementary, middle or high school! Not knowing what was going to happen was both the best and the scariest part of all.  You never knew who was going to be in your class, what your teacher was going to be like, and best of all, what you were about to learn!

What makes me smirk is the fact that, in my life right now, I am in the exact same position.  I'm at a point where, I'm about to have a whole new start!  I don't know who I'm going to meet at basic and through my journies. I have no idea what my Drill Instructors are going to be like, or how they'll change my life! I'm going to learn things, see things and do things, that I never thought my life would lead me to!

How exciting?!  It's that same feeling of the first day of school all over again.  You can feel something about is going to change, for the better! Each year and each step through those hallways is one step closer to the future!!

How can I not share this??

Can you believe it?! It's been almost three years. Three long, grueling, crazy years!! Initially, I got the idea to join the military right after college in 2007. However, no matter how hard I tried I never could quite get below that certain mark (if you must know, 220 pounds...I know...crazy!) Well you know the rest of the story, I met the people that changed my life!! They effected my everyday.

Let me rephrase that last statement...you know the rest of the story, up until now. Sometimes when you're so strong for so long, it's hard to relax. About one month ago, we decided to make the date of my measurement August 8, Monday.  Well the anticipation was quite literally killing me inside. These last 6 days I've been on a no carb, low fat, low sodium diet. I couldn't sleep, was making myself sick, and every thought of "what if" went running through my head.  If they could use how I was feeling as torture, it would be illegal.

So, Kelly, my bootcamp instructor, sent me a text last night at about 9 pm saying "let's do a preliminary measurement!"  At that point, I did cry.  I don't think I could ever hear "You're SO close" again.  If I did hear it, my sympathies to that punching bag I got ahold of!  Anyway, so as I was sitting there, crying, nervous as all hell, I turned on John Denver.  Why? Because I'm sorry, who has a more soothing voice than that man? Exactly, no one.

My alarm goes off today at 5:00. I wake up, look at my ceiling and say to myself "this is it, do or die."  Up and out the door I go.  I walk in and holy buckets, there are A LOT of people there. Greeted warmly Kelly asked if I wanted to do it now, or after.  Well, of course I said after...I gotta get every inch possible off me! :)

So we complete a faboo bootcamp (per usual!) and everyone heads out, and there I am...me, Kelly and the measuring tape. She measures my neck, waist and hips. She measures my waist and says "let me check again!" Of course I'm thinking "oh crap, it went up!" Down 3/4 of an inch!! Then my hips. Oh my dreaded hips! Down an inch and a quarter!!!  That's two inches gone...I only had to lose one to pass!!

My friends, I am no long "SO DANG CLOSE" No, I AM THERE! I'm going in Monday to the recruiter's office to get my "official" measurement. Don't worry, I used the official Army measurement AP on my phone, the same one the recruiter uses! :)

So there we go people.  What more can I say?! It's time to get studying for that ASVAB again.

If there's something I hope people get from anything you've ever read in this blog, is that, no matter what your dream is, no matter how crazy people think you are, it is possible! ANYTHING is possible.  Just put your head down, blinders on, and focus on that goal, because at the end of the day, if you did everything you could do, you're always going to be a success!!

HOOAH!!!

P.S. The final stats:  80 pounds gone and 65+ inches off!!

My rolls

You know what I love about my bootcamp class?  Not only do I get an amazing workout, I learn something new about me.  Either that it's I can push myself to new limits, or even if it's something about my personality, that, I knew was there, deep down somewhere but it was hiding.


Well this morning, standing around chatting, a wonderful fellow bootcamper brought up rolls. She basically was saying how, we, as women especially, seem to take on a lot of them.  I'm not saying just doing chores, I'm talking about who we are in life.

Contemplating on the way home (on my quick five minute drive) I thought, I should figure out just who I am. Well, unfortunately that seems to take longer than five minutes.  But what better way to figure that out than here, where the whole world can see my most inner thoughts, eh?

So here is a list of who I am.  Some are "well, duh!" and others may require a bit of explanation.

1. Wife to the most wonderful, caring hubby and soldier a girl could have. He has allowed me to live my dreams, and never once said "maybe you should just go get a 9 to 5er."  He knows I couldn't be happy with just doing that.  No matter what, he stands behind me!

2. Daughter to two parents who taught me to be who I am in life. They taught me to always stand my ground, speak my mind and to always be who I am.

3. Mother to my two puppies and one lizard! 

4. Strong shoulder- Maybe this includes being a friend, but whenever someone needs a friend, I'm there for them (and I hope all my friends know this!) So many times people ask me "how do you do it?!" Whether it's referring to going through two deployments, or working out like a mo-fo, but again, no matter what, it's just being strong for the people around me. Someones gotta, right? :)

5 .Bootcamper- Three days a week, I'm up at 5 am, ready to go get my bootcamp on. It's helped me become what I am now, and I will always say it has!

6. Future soldier- While "soldier" is not an option, YET, I still try to train everyday, as hard as I can, to be the best I can. Whether it's exercise or daily tasks, I believe a soldier should be strong in everything they do.

7. Boxer- I've found a new love. Whenever I put on those gloves, I feel like a new person. Someone who I've never been before.

8. Fighter- Seriously, don't get in my way! :)

9. Runner- Each time I run, I go for something new. Whether it's a distance or time, I have to push to new limits.

10. Friend- I'm ashamed that this is so far down the list. I have the most supporitve and wonderful friends a girl could ask for, and sometimes I feel like they come, well, 10th in my life. That's not a good thing. I can see now it's time to prioritize a bit!

11.Inspirer- Every day someone tells me "Cara, you're such an inspiration!" Well, I'm just a person and to have people say this constantly, believe it or not, can be very stressing! I love that I can help people reach their goals, but then I feel, if I don't meet mine, that others are going to lose hope. And that's something I really don't want to have happen.

12.Dreamer- Sounds like a McCartney song, eh? Well, maybe I am. Whenever I'm driving down the highways in the morning, no cars around, I dream of just keeping on going. When I go past the airport I think of just getting on a plane and flying to an exotic destination. I love to live vicariously through people who get to go places, see things do things I've never had a chance to do.

13. Politicizer/Justice Seeker- POLITICS. Especially lately. Everywhere I look I see politics. On the
street, on Facebook, in yards, on cars, and boy does it make my blood boil.  I clump these two together because I feel like our politicians on both sides, are screwing over the little guys. I know of people working four jobs, and currently seeks another two.  The bible says to love each other, and help others, and I'm sorry, that means everyone, not just the people on the same side of the isle.

Okay, so that's a list of 13 things I am, and that's just off the top of my head!!  As I was wraping up the list, I realized there are three MAJOR things not on there.  Number one, a sister.  My sister and I don't always see eye to eye.  Okay, the only thing we see eye to eye on, is literally, eye to eye. We are the exact same height.  Maybe I'm a bad sister, I dunno. I'm not always the most supportive in the world. I also have a big mouth and WILL say what I think when I think, whether it's appreciated or not! We are total, 100% polar opposites. I don't make an effort like I should. I can use distance as an excuse, but then she comes to town and I still don't see her. Maybe as time goes that will change, I hope it does.

The next thing I'm missing on there is being a Christian.  I believe in God, I believe in heaven, I believe in (most) of the bible.  However, it's not something that happens in my everyday life. (Let's hope my pastor's don't read this!) I have friends who live their lives around God. Awesome! That's not who I am. I struggle with the existence. If God controls EVERYTHING, why is there famine?  Why is there hate?  Why is it we aren't helping everyone? Why are there natural disasters that kills thousands?  Why are there some people who get looks, money, personality, love and fame and others who have to work their butts off just to get a third part time job as they come home to an empty house with no love? I would think God would be an equal opportunity god...


Finally, the last thing on my list, which should definitely be on there, is Cara.  I am who I am.  All these things shape me, day in and day out. While I'm not the best at being everything I am the best at being Cara. Whether that's being a shoulder to cry on, or punching a bag as hard as I can, what more is there, except being me?!

Rambles...with a purpose!!

Oh...my...gosh! So this weather is just killing me! It's now been in the 90's for the last few days, and I'm ready for it to break!  Part of the hardest part is that I'm sitting at home, looking out the window and dreaming of being out, and being active!

What's worse is that the boredom takes over and I get into my grazing modes.  Rather than eating the small five meals a day I should, I just kinda dig through the cupboards thinking "Oh...this sounds good!"  Then I eat it and think to myself "Oh, that wasn't as good as I thought!"  Then I think "Oh crap, why did I just eat that?!" *sigh* I'm telling you my friends, this needs to stop (the weather and the grazing!)

But, as many of you know, when you're bored, it's SO hard to say no. It's hard to grab that chicken rather than the simple bowl of cereal. Or, the chicken rather than that big, juicy, delicious hot dog, right off the grill!!

HOWEVER, I DID go running today, in about 90 degree weather! Can I just tell you, when it's that hot out, you can go about half the distance and get, what feels like, just as difficult of workout! Fhew! My shirt changed colors in only 20 minutes!!!

Anyway, yes, this was just a bunch of ramble, but it help me let my frustrations out, and this damn grazing habit of mine needs to stop! SO, now that you all know, I can move on and once more get back to that thing I like to call AWESOMENSS!!!

Terrified

So, there are very few things in life that TRULY scare me.  I don't like horror movies, but I can close my eyes and it's gone. Not a fan of tight spaces, but I know I'll get out of it soon.  I want to jump out of planes and I'm working on other little phobias.  There's one thing, however, that every time I think about it, I start doubting everything about life and start shaking in my shoes a bit.

About three weeks and some odd days, I am going to get the measurement. Not just any measurement, THE measurement.  The one that will make me go to the recruiter or not.  Again, I know with the 1% over I'm good to get in, but I want SOOO bad to meet those damn standards.

Part of the reason of this new found fear, is for some reason this past month has been a lot of extra stress.  Colin and I had to move, which means we ate out A LOT!!  We cleaned our fridge out and discovered that Shakopee had many yummy restaurants.  On top of eating out, because I lost my job, I had to take a whole month off bootcamp. That was harder than anything I think. Not only did I not have my butt kicked three days a week, but I got VERY used to sleeping in until 8:30 every morning. Well, when you have no job, I felt I had no reason to get up.  This in turn lead to more laziness and drowsiness.  A vicious cycle.  The whole month was just off!!

So to make up for a BAD month, I've upped the exercise. I've added a lot more running into the program again, I'm back to Gorilla five or six days a week, and best yet, I'm back at my bootcamp.  I did start the 28 days diet again, but for some reason, my body did not take well to it this time.  I think with the stress of all these changes plus then adding a whole new diet, just was too much at once!

Anyway, so maybe it's just a whole bunch of excuses, but all I know is I am so nervous.  August 8th is going to be my official measure date. If all goes well, I'm heading to that recruiter's office August 9th.

Breathe in, breathe out.  Everything WILL happen when it's time. Now I just have to convince myself of that...

I DID IT!

For about two years now I've been thinking "what am I going to name my post when..." well, this is it!   For the first time since I started my journey, the head of MEPS (military entrance processing station)...not just a recruiter, no the HEAD of MEPS said that I, Cara Ann Berg Rainey, am eligible to enlist!!!

Let me start at the beginning. We have a good family friend that's a Colonel. He called me the other day when I was out with my family and told me to call a certain captain. However, before I called, the Colonel warned me, I had to ask Colin what a Silver Star was. Fortunately I knew. A Silver Star is one award below the Medal of Honor.  It's a rare and very important award to receive. Well, this Captain who I was supposed to just "give a buzz to" is a Silver Star recipient!!!! Talk about a man to be honored to know. Anyway, so I jingled this Captain, and he asked me what my body fat percentage was.  I told him, and I said, "I know it'll turn at 27, so I'm where I need to be at the age of 27!" Well, when he said "unfortunatly the age doesn't change until 28," my heart SANK! Then, he tossed in the word "HOWEVER!" and my heart was enlightened once more. He said "HOWEVER, you are eligible, due to MEPS allowing 2% over the Army Regulated body Fat."

Okay folks, I do not cry, when I hung up the phone I CRIED! For the first time since I started this journey, I AM ABLE TO ENLIST!!!!!

Ideally, he said, I should lose about 1% more just to be safe, so I am.  I'm going to do the 28 day takedown then get my arse into that recruiting station!!

I cannot begin to explain HOW excited I am.  You guys have certainly been reading this through my ups and my downs and now, thanks to all your love, support and encouragement, I'm finally going to be making my dreams come true!!  So, with all that said, what more can I say but..."I DID IT!"

Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that all was vanity; but the dreamers of day are dangerous men, for they act their dream with eyes wide open and make it possible.  - T. E. Lawrence (of Arabia)

Karma...you're a b**ch

While things go right sometimes, karma has not been on my side lately. Losing my job added stress beyond comparison. Trying to pack and organize for moving is always a monster headache, plus this economy sucks and constant rejection is something that none of us like. Hey, while we're at it, let's add gas prices, war, famine, natural disasters and Ryan Secreast....the world would be a better place without all of them!

Fortunately for me I always try to find the good out of every situation. I've come to see in the last two weeks, I have friends and family who would try to move Heaven and Earth for me. When I need to talk, when I need a place to stay, when I need to get away for a night, someone is ALWAYS there for me.

Two days ago, the weather was HOT. And not just "oh I'm from Minnesoooota, and it's 70 out" hot. No it was "step out and piles of sweat start forming at your feet, 108 plus humidity, hot!"  Genius me, I decided, what a perfect day for a run!! I started out on my little trip, and I got about a mile and half, running in the pure heat, no shade, just me and the blacktop.  I turned a corner and there was a tree, casting a welcoming patch of sun relief upon the sidewalk.  Gladly, I stopped.  As I was standing there catching my breath, attempting to de-cotton my cotton mouth, I got to thinking where I was a couple years ago.  Not 100% sure anymore where I came from, I went back to my first post on my blog.

I've lost over 60 inches and 75 pounds! Not only that, when I started running, I was able to run LESS than a quarter of a mile! Now here I am, running 5ks like they're nothing, boxing and doing muay-thai five or six days a week, wearing clothing I never thought I would be able to! I should feel really good, right?  I'm not a big fan of Jillian Michaels, honestly, she scares me. However, as I was looking at things to inspire me again, I ran across this quote: "When friends tell you how awesome you look, drop the "I still have more to go" crap.  You worked hard and you deserve the compliment! "

Well I'm going to learn to do that. I HAVE worked hard to get where I am today, and whether karma wants to play nice or not, it's MY choice as to, not whether or not I'm going to succeed, but WHEN I'm going to succeed! So back off karma, you're either with me or against me. Whichever you choose, I'm gonna get my way!

Random Thoughts

In the last week or so I've had about a million thoughts going through my head.  So rather than keeping them all bottled up inside, I would share them with you here.  After all isn't that the point of this thing?

First, I've developed a new pet peeve...when you help someone out with something and they don't say "hey thanks!" I think that's all anyone every really wants when helping out. I mean how difficult is it really? Especially when it's a favor that does take time can you please just be like "ya know, I appreciate it!" It makes people feel good, and it makes them feel like they did something right in the day.

I have a kanker sore, and it hurts. I want it to go away. Now.

Loud, rude children annoy the heck out of me.  Parents need to learn to control their mutts in public places.

I'm starting my individual boxing lessons soon. In about 3 month I get my first bout. I gotta find some really groovy wraps...I'm thinking some camo wraps.  Yes.  Camo.

I need to get my dogs flee and tick stuff.  We've found about 6 ticks already this Spring, between Tony and Spike.

I got a mosquito bite! The first one of the summer...it has arrived!

Summer is coming and I am really hoping and praying that I'm gonna get these last three inches off of me.  They're hanging on like a bad cold holds on in winter.  SOOOO dang close and I think that's my problem.  If I stay exactly where I am I'll be able to enlist in December.  Do you know how frustrating it is??!! UGH!

Basically, who are we kidding, those three inches are what's on my mind all the time.  As much as children who are rude, as well as people who are ungrateful have been driving me nuts, I feel like my life is consumed by the number three.  Am I under eating? Am I over eating? Am I exercising too much?  Should I run more? Should I focus on my core?  Should I listen to this person or that person? All these things running through my head.  Time will tell, as will the summer, but man it's frustrating.

Well, those are my random thoughts of the week.  Thanks for reading! :)

One month strong

Well, as you all know I just completed my 28 day diet. The results were awesome and I felt SO good when I was done.  I was feeling SO good about what I had done that somehow my wonderful husband convinced me to stop into a recruiter's office to just have a "chit-chat."  Little did I know that, what I thought was going to be a five minute conversation turned into a 45 minute dialogue.  When I got done talking with SFC Frantz, I felt SO good, better than usual, about where I'm standing.

Being that he's the Army's equivalent to a nutritionist he reassured me that what I was doing on the diet was what I NEEDED to enlist.  While we were talking he had me measure myself (being that he was a male, he wasn't able to.) according to the measurements, I only have three more inches to lose! (Yeah, I thought I was one, but that's a whole other story, heehee!)  Never the less, last month on the 28 day I lost a total of 5 inches, 3 of which were in my waist (where I needed to actually lose!)

Here's my game plan: after consulting Kelly, I got the okay to do a modified version of the 28 day diet. Being that I need to integrate the fats back into my body, I am going to do three days on the weeks 1-3 plan, then one day of the week 4 plan.  Not only that, I'm back to full health so I'm heading back to muay-thai tonight after my bootcamp this morning!

I am SO close I can taste it! If I stick to this plan folks, I could possibly be where I need by June!!! However, I'm not counting my chickens this go round, my goal is three inches by the end of the summer. That gives me about 3 and a half months! Of course I want to get there before that, but I have to be realistic, too!

Oh, and the other news about me joining, I decided to go enlisted for three years first. As nice as the money would be to get OCS pay right away, if I can "be in the trenches" for a while first, I'll be a better Officer and soldier in the future.  The other benefit, which makes a lot of sense, is simply, enlisted have more fun! If I go in right as an officer, I won't get to have the fun the enlisteds do! The competition for OCS enlistment is hard! You have to be the best of the best, right off the bat. To be honest, I just want to get my foot in that darn door!

So anywho, that's what's happening. I have one month to be strong, and as I keep telling myself: what's one month to the rest of my life?!

OH, P.S. I did my first 5k yesterday and it went GREAT!!! When I finished I felt like I could go farther!

28 days and the start of Lt. Rainey

Wow! I can't believe it! Another 28 day diet has come to an end! Like the first one, I would call it a total success!! The results are in:

Total weight loss: 11 pounds (exactly the same as last time)
Total inches lost: 5 inches, 3 of which were around my belly!!!

You know what that means folks??!! I'M ONLY ABOUT 1 INCH AWAY FROM GETTING TO ENLIST!!!!! I never, ever thought I would get this close to my goals. When Kelly took my measurements on Monday I didn't know what to expect. I was thinking maybe one or two total. But no...I lost FIVE!! I can tell after this that my pants are fitting better, my energy is getting back up and my outlook is just generally better! I don't think there are enough words to explain how grateful I am to have found this "Body-fit Bootcamp!" All the people there, especially Kelly, keeps me motivated and they all truly believe I CAN reach my goals and that I will!! I'm reaching new heights that I never thought I would!!

One of my big accomplishments this diet go round happened on Sunday. I ran a good 7 mile run, with under a 10 minute mile! What makes this more exciting, is that it's only my third run of the season! :) I'm running my first official 5k on Sunday, mother's day, for the breast cancer walk!  From here on, I'm signed up for one 5k a month during the summer, starting the training for the half marathon!

One of my favorite things during my runs, is not listening to great music, but it's getting a lot of time to think.  Through this last jaunt, I thought a lot about my past. I really started to think about where I was two years ago. Two years ago I was at 250 pounds and a size 14 to 16 pant! If someone suggested running, I merely laughed and asked to which malt shop we were running to?? Now I'm down to 175 with a lot of muscle! I'm at a size 6 pant, which is already getting loose!! On my trek I ran by what was once Golds Gym. I thought about how, walking in there one day and Norman saying "Welcome to our dysfunctional family," changed my whole life!!! When I went in there, I wanted to lose a few pounds! NEVER did I think I'd be joining the military, boxing people in the ring and now helping other people reach their goals!!! It really goes to show you, that they journey of a thousand miles, really does begin with a single step!

What else is new you ask? Well I have an interview on Thursday for a "Wellness Coach" position. Basically I would help encourage people in their weightloss/gain (yeah, there are some who want to gain!) and nutrition goals! How wonderful!! I love helping people and now I get to help many!!

All in all, among the ups and downs, I'd say these last weeks were very successful! Help me out folks...I only have ONE MORE INCH then I get to live my dreams and FINALLY, after two years, become Lt. Rainey...yeah, it has a great ring to it!!

Almost there

Yes, the 28 day diet is almost over!! I can't believe it! Only three more days and I'll have completed this diet two times!  Ya know, it seems to be getting easier and easier. I think if I keep going on for a week or two beyond, this will actually become a habit!

Well, let me tell you a couple of the things I'm going to change during these summer months! First, I'm going to continue to eat five meals a day, totaling 2000 calories per day. Since I've started boxing and muay-thai four days a week, I've realized my body isn't getting the nutrition it needs!  Second, I'm going to continue on the lack of preservatives. Okay, I'm going to have some,  I can't give up my cereal, but for example, I'm going to start baking bread once a week versus going to the store and buying it. Third, I'm going to be much more careful on my portions. I know I say this a lot, but I've realized it just doesn't take that long. Yeah, I'm going to enjoy going out to eat again, I'm not gonna lie. And you know what else? I'm going to enjoy the occasional slice of pizza!

It's funny how a mere 28 days can transform you physically and mentally.  Within this time, I've found myself shopping for "women" style t-shirts, which is something I never even thought would happen. The thought of my trip to Florida is really making me want to look really good!! My arms are getting toned, and my body is getting strong!

So, I'm not really sure what else I have to say. The weather is getting beautiful, my outlook is ever changing, and while I know I will have some more downs, I know I'll have people to pick me up once more!!

Stinging like a bee

It's been awhile again, my bad! So much has been going on sometimes I forget to write it all down! Well, where do I begin??

First I should say, I'm back on my 28 day diet and I'm about half way through. So far I'm down 7 pounds! Which is a great start!! This time it seems to be so much easier than the first! I discovered a way to make super yummy spaghetti!! Not only that, but I found bunny shaped brown rice noodle pasta!! I think the thing I am learning this time, other than how to properly eat, is that to lose weight, I still need to eat ENOUGH.  Even when I was doing Weight Watchers, I don't think I was eating enough points! So, I'm going to stay on this type of eating, even after the 28 days! Add a few things back in like fats and fruits, but good fats, like avocados and olive oils. (Maybe toss in some dairy too!)  Anyway, I think I'm learning more of a life lesson this go round, than a temporary lesson.

As for the fitness aspect, well that has gone down at all, rather bumped it up a couple levels. I started boxing and muay-thai! It's at a gym called Gorilla Fitness. I LOVE IT!! It's so awesome to know that I get to punch the living daylights out of something for an hour everyday if I want!  Not since my workouts with Norman have I come home with so many glory bruises!  I was talking to a couple folks from my bootcamp class (which I still love!!) and I realized that, since Golds closed, haven't I felt like I had another workout family, now I love going again!  When Golds closed one year ago now, I bounced from gym to gym. It wasn't until I found these two places where I feel like I'm really being challenged again and where I have a group of people who encourage me everyday!! That's what I've been missing, and to tell ya the truth, it sucked!!!  Oh, and I should be having my first match in a couple months, so I'll keep you updated on that one!

Well, things are turning around...again! :) Summer is coming up too, which will allow me to get out and get back to running!!  Time to train for that half marathon!!

Vulnerability

Since I've started this, what's turning into LONG venture, there have been a lot of ups and downs, most of which I've shared with all of you on here. Well my friends, I'm now at a point where I'm feeling an emotion I haven't felt yet. Vulnerable. 

I'm so flattered that all of you think I am strong 24/7, but I tell you, there are some hours where I want to hide under a table and cry and cry. Lately this emotion has been overtaking me. While I'm still loving my workouts and even diets, sometimes enough is enough. I'm weak. Right now, at this time, I'm not the strong roll model you all have come to know and love. 

I love knowing that I can lift you guys up when you're struggling. Part of the reason I'm still going is knowing that you all are inspired to reach your goals! Right now, I'm asking for your help. I'm so tired of fighting this battle, day after day. I need your help to keep me strong! I won't lie, I want to give up! My mind and heart are constantly at odds and believe me, it gets REALLY tiring! 

Sometimes I can't always get across just how I feel, so I'm sharing with you two songs that .

In the roses, in the spring, I remember
There was a time I wasn't afraid of anything
With the lilacs and the rain
One day you went away
I remember
I forgot everything

My mother's always trying to tell me
How to be grateful, how to believe
My father's always trying to say
Baby, you're beautiful in every way
My lover's always got me in his arms
Trying to protect me, keep me from harm
So why do I always have to be
My worst, my own worst enemy

In the shadows, in the grays, in the lonely

There is a place
Where we can all hide away
But in the windows of the soul
There is nowhere we can go
If we keep running
Running from our destiny

Say I walk on water
Say I walk on the moon
But it's never enough
No it's never enough, no it's never enough
Say I'm only human
It's all in my head
But it's never enough
No it's never enough, no it's never enough
One day I'll find my alibi

So, what is my destiny?? I guess I don't know right now, but I must say, no matter what happens, I'm grateful to have come this far with all of you!!