A very personal blog...

Ya know, I was just watching a few videos on youtube and reading some of the comments. All of which were in the vicinity of "OMG, I cried so hard watching this video!"  Well, sure the video was sad, and made me get a lump in my throat, I realized, that this past weekend was the first time I really cried this whole deployment. Even the days he left, I cried at the air port, when I was alone, and that was it! I was teary, a little depressed, but never cried!!

Maybe I see it as a sign of weakness or something, and maybe that's why I couldn't stop for two days and I wouldn't leave my place for two days.  There's a part of me that knows, when I cry, I'm leaving myself open for pitty, and I hate that! Yes, Colin is gone, and I miss him like crazy, but what good is it going to do me, sitting home and crying all day? Am I heartless for thinking of it that way? I know before his career is done, and mine as well, we are going to have to say goodbye again, maybe once, maybe twice, three times is also realistic!  It's a reality in the military.

But, again, I ask, why is it, after 11 months of being apart, NOW is when I decide to cry!?  I've tried to be strong for other wives and for friends problems and for friend's joys. I've gone to family events, friend's parties and so many other things as a single, married woman. I'm always there for people, maybe, this one time, I felt like I needed someone here, and no one was. It's a big apartment, and it's just me and the dog. I felt, for the first time, I was truly alone.

I made the comment to a friend the other day that Christmas is the bi-ploar holiday. The ups are SO up and the downs are SOOO down! It's hard being a military wife, but I don't think I would have it any other way. So maybe I'll get one or two more good cries in the next month, but I guess we'll see...well, I will....you won't! :)

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS!!

Wow! Can you believe it?? It's that time of year already. The time where we all sit down, reflect upon this past year and decide, what did we really enjoy doing, but shouldn't have enjoyed doing SO much? Well, according to about.com, here are the top 10 New Years Resolutions:

1. Spend more time with friends and family. Who doesn't want more of that?
2. Fit in fitness...aka, get your butt off the couch and "join a gym!"
3. "tame the buldge" those love handles, saddle bags, spare tires, or whatever car parts may need trimming!
4. Quit smoking, kind of self explanatory!
5. Enjoy life more! I think this is one that should be on everyone's list!! It's so easy to do!
6. Quit drinking. One of the most difficult apparently.
7. Get out of debt.
8. Learn something new. I think that should be an everyday thing!
9. Help others. Bring the Christmas spirit out all year!
and finally...
10. Get organized!

So, those are the top 10. My resolutions? Well, a little more...expanded!  I don't even remember what mine was from last year, probably to lose weight! As I have learned however this past year, goals need to be specific! So here my friends, is my goal(s):

By August of 2010, I will be 145 pounds and wearing a size 6! This is partially due to a promise made by Norman, whether he likes it or not, I am going to hold him to! If I'm a size 6 by the summer, he will somehow hook me up with meeting Ronde Barber or Mike Alstott...not gonna lie, I REALLY want to meet Mike...REALLY!! He was my favorite Buccaneer of all time.

I know, it's nothing big, it's nothing special, but it's mine and it's specific!

My other goal, which is much more general, is to keep up this blog! It's amazing how therapeutic it is to write, and to know ya'll are reading and supporting me in this journey! Being that Colin and I will be starting school together this fall, we'll have a lot to write about and SO many new journeys!

Merry Christmas everyone...and the best of luck to everyone and your goals with this Happy New Year!!!

Updates of holiday cheer

You know those times when you feel like you've hit a wall? Well, I hit that again the other day. I'm not sure what happened for about a week, but I was feeling so very weak! I gave into a lot of temptation! However, something happened again where I felt great, and was so motivated!

First, I went to Olive Garden and, oh, how I wanted pasta SO bad! Heck, it's Olive Garden, who the heck wouldn't?! But no, I stuck to 1.5 bowls of salad (not the big plastic bowl,  I ate about 2/3 of that thing!) 1 bowl of soup and 2 breadsticks! At the O.G. I'd say that's pretty damn good!

The very next night, was the challenge of Outback Steakhouse! Really? Outback? I met my party there, and what was sitting on the table? The YUMMY bread as well as a bloomin' onion! *sigh* Well, I held it to one slice of bread and 2, count it TWO pieces of bloomin onion! Yeah...you try that! Oi! Along with my Rib Eye steak (lowest cal on the menu!) I enjoyed a nice side of veggies! Mm, broccoli!! So, that was not an easy weekend, b\y any stretch!

Then, my dad and I have a traidition, one week we go downtown, then the next we go to MOA! Let me say, somehow, we both are on diets, yet somehow, I eat more when I am with him than when I'm not! Hmm...Now, don't get me wrong, I didn't do terribly, but, I could have done MUCH better! I know...I'm getting coal for that!

As for workouts, ya know...they're going! My run is getting SO much better! When I'm doing my leaps, I feel like an idiot, I'm not gonna lie, but boy oh boy is it helping! I've taken two minutes off my run so far!! Heck to the yes!

My new goal, is to get my arms nice and...well...nice! It's a definite trouble spot on my body, but I know I can do it, with my help! :)

Other than that folks, that's really about all. Christmas is in a little over a week, and there is SO much prep to do! Wrapping, cooking, enjoying! I hope you all have a very merry Christmas, I'm thinking...New Years Resolutions....

Two steps forward, one step back!

I am SO frustrated right now! Shocker of shockers, I've hit another pleatu, and have been at this point for the last 2 months about. I am getting SO frustrated with this, and with the holidays coming around, it's not making things any easier!! With my newest decision of joining army ROTC, there is a WHOLE new source of frustration, that was not in the original plan.

I now not only have to figure out all our money sources, but I also have to figure out, how the heck I'm going to get into the U of M! There is such a long process I'm honestly a little scared. Of course I have back up plans, when do I NOT have a back up plan? But ya know, I'm getting a little SICK of having to USE my back up plans!

All this stress is now starting to effect my weight again! It's not like I've gained 10 pounds or anything, I'm just going up and down the same 2 or so pounds. I think I'm doing all the right things, but when you want to go into a business that, a certain weight, is required, it gets really frustrating and again, more stressful!

I love this time of year, but when it comes to dieting and such, it's making my life a living a hell!! I work out like a mo-fo, watch what I'm eating, and nothing!! I wish I could say "Oh, I'm gaining muscle!" but I don't know if I am, or if I'm just not going anywhere!! I need something, I don't know what, but something.

Ode to Norman

If you have talked to me in the last 8 or 9 months, you've probably heard me talk about Norman, who I consider my work-out guru! However, I don't think I've ever really told you all about him. So, Norman promised me something to blog about today, so, I am! I'm going to take you guys a little deeper into the odd camaraderie I have with dead Norm.

I remember the first day I met Norman, and I knew right then it was fate.  I was sitting, signing my papers for Golds. We were talking about the personal trainer route, and for the longest time Colin had been saying "Cara, you need to get a trainer! I want you to get a trainer! It will change your life! I promise!" So I decided to take advantage of this deployment, and get a trainer! As I was making this decision, I will never forget, Norman walked up to the table and said "welcome to our dysfunctional family!" That was it! I knew right there that I had found a person, who was rather like minded!

For our first session, I don't even remember the exercises we did. All I remember, is the next day, I was in SO MUCH PAIN!! I could not move an inch!! I'm sure it wasn't even that bad, well, to nows standards! Little did I know, that was the beginning, of the beginning!

Through the past 8, 9 months, I feel like I have grown strong, both physically and mentally.  I never ever would be able to do that alone! We have done crazy tire flips (not with your average car tire mind ya, this is a BIG ass tire!!) I'm doing 90 to 110 pounds on the lat pull down, 3 sets of 20 push-ups (man push-ups mind ya!) tons of running man sit-ups, 25 second arm hangs, and just more general endurance than I ever thought possible! Today, it was totally new, and still, I seem to hurt minorly! :)

I am so thankful everyday that I have a kick ass trainer like Norman! I'm down from a size 16 to a size 10, I'm down almost 65 pounds, and I know that I would never be able to do this on my own! It's not everyday you get to come across a person who motivates you to a point that has never been done before, but can also be considered a friend!!

So, to Norman, since you can't be yelling at a Marine, I challenge you to help me become an airborne ranger!! We are talking hardcore Army my dear friend!  To let up in the least would be a mistake, so, let's take it to the next level!! :)     http://www.stewsmith.com/linkpages/airborne.htm

A quicky, but a goodie!!

I am happy to report, while, the weight is staying rather pleatuish lately, I HAVE GONE DOWN ANOTHER SIZE!!! :D I started at a size 16, and am now down to a 10!! Not only that, but I can breathe, and move and function in them!! This folks, is the smallest jean size I have ever been in, in my entire life!! And it's just gonna keep on going!! WOOP!! *doin' a happy dance, which burns more calories!*

Reflections and the Ghost of Christmas future

Well, today is not so much about weight loss, rather it's about the past 25 years of my life, and what lead to today!  One chilly December 3rd night in 1984, the world was introduced, to ME! Who would have thought, in a mere quarter of a century, so much could happen!

People have come and gone in my life, some have made an amazing impact! Of course Colin and my parents, of course my sister with the rest of my family, and of course my friends. However, there is ONE man who has stuck by my side since I was born. He never would let me be harmed, and he has guided me my whole life.  This man is my poppop, my mum's dad.

He passed away when I was in 4th grade, and I knew, even though I didn't even cry at his funeral, that there was gonna be an ultimate void in my life. He was the one adult who sat and played Power Rangers with me! He taught me to play poker when I was in kindergarden, and let us put bows in, what hair he had left!

While he taught me a lot when he was alive, little did I know I would learn more from him after he died. About seven months ago was the first time I went to go visit his grave since he died. When I got there, something happened and life just became a little more clear.  My poppop was a Sgt in the US Army during WWII. According to my mum, he sure loved his Army!  When I was struggling with Colin's deployment, I talked to him.  When I was having a hard time with my diet, I talked to him. With every visit, and every "conversation" we had, I found a whole new strength.

Finally, about 3 weeks ago, I had my workout with the Marines, and it was terrible!! Naturally, I went to visit him! As I walked up to his headstone, I just started to cry! I felt like a failure and I felt I was never going to meet the expectations I had for myself! I stayed for almost an hour.  Later that day, I had my ROTC meeting. Coincidence? I don't think so! I think life is a giant pot, and poppop has his finger in, swirling it around!

I can't talk about the influence that my poppop has had, without talking about my grandpa! My dad's dad. I was about a year old when he died, so I never got to know him. He too was in WWII, and after his service, he also became a police officer. He, in my mind, is a prime example of service. My dad loved his dad, and I know that, even if I never had the chance to really meet him, he's right next to poppop, saying "Ya know Robert, no granddaughter of ours is going to be a Jar Head!"

As for the future, who knows what it may bring? Sure, I have goals, but I never shut the door on life!! There are SO many great things that lay down the road, school, the Army, a family, and experiencing everything life has to give!! How could you NOT be excited for the future??? Baby, it's so bright you should be wearing shades!!

So, here my friends, is to another 25 years of a healthy, strong, happy life! I know that, through time, things are going to change, but my husband, my family and friends will always be here, and I hope, in 25 years, I'm still getting all your wonderful facebook messages! Love you all, and thank you for helping to shape the person I am today!!