Warning: Please forgive the ramblings of this post. It's all the thoughts going through my head at this moment, and what's been going on for the last three weeks I want to share with all of you.
About a month ago now, I went into the doctor to talk about my eating problem. Well, as typical mind doctors go, they always try to find the root of the problem. Normally I'd be more resistant to it, knowing what I have going on is my business. Well, something has been off so I decided to go along with it this time.
Long story short, we figured out that a big reason for all my failed relationships, romantic, friendship, familial, etc, has everything to do with my past. That's a pretty obvious statement I know, because of course our past makes us who we are today. But what she was talking about was one particular situation I found myself in when I was very young. I know I've talked about it before, but if you're just tuning in, I was sexually assaulted when I was in kindergarten. I had no idea what was going on at the time, but I'm realizing now, what the fuck?
So, a lot of my trust issues, a lot of me allowing the abuse in my life, all has to do with that moment in time. I'm not saying what happened was my fault, however, how I let it effect my life up until now is. So while I'm not going indulge everything, one of the biggest things we've been discussing is the base of a good relationship. One of those four corners is the concept of being hurt. Whether it's us hurting someone, or someone hurting us. When you're hurt or vice versa, that first pillar, the first corner of that base, is already cracked and damaged and will effect the rest of the foundation. I've had that pillar pretty much destroyed....but it's time to start building it up again.
As we all know, karma is a bitch. I'm on a quest to recover my karma. But it's not just about karma either. The other part of that pillar is not just asking for forgiveness from those we've hurt, but allowing ourselves to forgive. So many people that hurt us know they're doing it but really don't give a damn. That's when it's up to us to forgive them. How does that go? Love your enemies? But it's not for them I'm learning, it's for us. When you learn to forgive, your load is so much lighter. My doctor described it like carrying a really heavy rock. When you carry resentment and anger, it's heavy, it's a pain and it does no good. LET IT GO. Forgive those that hurt you. It's not easy. It's not easy at all. But what I'm learning is, it's necessary.
I know I'm not going to be able to contact every single person in my life who've effected that pillar, but what I do know, is starting today, I'm beginning to rebuild. There are a few people who are going to take courage to contact again, but I do know it's going to happen. It won't happen overnight, but I do know that, with the one contact I've made already, my load is a little lighter. I had the chance to apologize to someone, I didn't mean to hurt and didn't think much of it until I sent him a text. I received a note in return saying that, it too had been weighing on him and has effected how he dealt with others since me. I can't describe how that one contact made me feel so much better, but also knowing his mind is a little more at ease, is amazing and feels so good.
You NEVER know what a simple, "I'm sorry I said that" will do for someone. Being the bigger person sucks, but it also will take that rock out of your hands and help build that base for the first pillar. Forgive someone today to allow yourself to breathe, and let it go whatever it may be. Forgive them, but forgive yourself.
