Through this whole process of divorce, moving away from home, my family and friends, and starting a whole new life, I never thought it would be quite this hard. For the first time this week, eh..maybe the last two weeks, the reality of what life is becoming has hit. Friday, I couldn't stop crying, and the world seemed like it was just crumbling!
For the first time I finally grieved. It wasn't because of losing Colin, honestly, I'm not upset about losing him at all. What I'm upset about is losing what there was, or what I thought there was. Losing love can be just as bad as a death. (Yeah, I read the pamphlets) Grieving can be the event of going through any traumatic event.
I know, you all know all that. Anyone who's watched any episode of Oprah knows we can grieve anything really. Here's the part I realized for myself however. Until I completely and fully grieve, I'm talking full out, Ben and Jerry's, chick flick bawling, mall shopping, hair doing, spa day, Olivia Newton John listening, type day, I'm not going to be able to fully move on. I feel like I'm holding SO much inside that people are constantly wondering what's wrong with me, or what's on my mind?
So here's what's on my mind...
I'm pissed that Colin decided to cheat on me. Because of that, I really don't trust anyone. I'm constantly suspicious of texts, and calls and anything else that could be the "signs of cheating." (By the way, don't read those articles...they just make the mind games even worse!) I'm mad that because of him, the next few months of my life, financially, are going to be probably the hardest yet. I'm mad I wasted 10 years of my life when I may have found something so much better! I hate that I'm totally jaded because of the way he treated me and my family. I hate that he had no respect for me, which in turn made me think that I didn't deserve the respect. I hate that I'm having to re-learn how to live.
I realized I went through the 7 stages of grief backwards. I started with being totally okay with it. I thought I'd be better off alone, happier, no worries in life! When I realized what was happening, it was time to start putting things back together (step 6- working through) I then took a turn for not the best. (step 5- the upward turn..backwards!) I started getting depressed, feeling lonely here in Colorado, looking back at all the things that went wrong on both sides (step 4- depression, reflection loneliness) and now I feel like I'm going between step 3 (anger) and step 2 (pain and guilt) Again, the guilt is not leaving Colin, the guilt is more the pain I'm putting on people here in Colorado. There's people I genuinely care about here, but the fact that I can't let go, are hurting them, and if it hasn't, it will.
So, I have to allow myself to grieve, so I can go back up those 7 stages, for my sake especially. Until I allow myself to let these feelings go, it's going to be hard to allow anyone else in. I'd say it's time for some Chunky Munkey!
