Lessons of my 20s

I'm sitting around here on a Sunday morning in my own apartment, after falling asleep at 11:00pm on a Saturday night, realizing that I have merely one month left in my roaring 20s.  In the last decade, I've had a lot of people come and a lot of people go.  I've been to college and China.  I got married, I got divorced. I've held down more jobs than I care to think about.  Everything from retail to business to education. I made a lot of new friends, got reacquainted with old. Most importantly, I have learned a lot very important lessons.  So here are the top ten things, if I can share with anyone in their twenties, here's what I'd say:

1. Fail early, fail often, time is on your side.
When you're young, you have nothing to tie you down.  You don't have major financial obligations that you'll have in adulthood: mortgage payments, car payments, daycare, life insurance and so on and so on. This is the time when you risk the least by taking some long-shots! With the failures you experience now, will set you up for success down the line.  Learn fast, learn often, they're what will get you safely into your 30s.


2. You can't force anyone to like to you.

There are two types of friends in life, the ones where you can go months without speaking and come back like nothing has changed.  Then there's the kind where you go away for a week, and EVERYTHING has changed.  Since I've joined the army, I've had the chance to meet a lot of new people, but unfortunately, it means I've left a lot of people as well.  What I've found is, you cannot force a friendship from anyone.  Not everyone's going to like you. Either it's there, or it isn't. What I've also found is you can rarely predict who will be those friends that do stick around. 

 

I left Minnesota in February of 2013 and came back for a GOOD amount of time for the first time in September 2014. Many of the people I was closest to in the early 20s, didn't have the time of day, but the ones who, when I went into the friendship were more "casual acquaintances" slowly became the friends I could also call my family.  It's not that the first bunch are bad people, it's just how life goes.  We all change, we all grow and it's how it is.

 

 

3. You're not supposed to accomplish all your goals.

Spending the first two decades of life in school, they really focus on getting results.  A on this test, making this team, getting into this college, achieving this job, yadda yadda.  Either you accomplish it, or you don't. If you do, awesome.  But if you don't, you simply fail!

 

But what I've learned in my 20s is it doesn't always work that way all the time.  Sure it's great to have something to work for.  After all, I'm the queen of setting goals and beating myself up if I don't achieve them.  Early on, I sat down and wrote a list of goals I wanted to achieve by my 30s.  The biggest was the military.  While I achieved my biggest, I've basically skipped all the rest. I have yet to get to Europe, I sure don't have a family of my own.  I don't make 6 figures and I'm still super unathletic. As I've grown, I realized that the goals I set were not toally importnant to me, but rather what society said I should have by my 30s.  I'm not ready to be a mom yet, but Europe is still on my to-do, ASAP list!

 

I'm firmly convinced that the whole point of goals is 80% to get us off our asses and 20% to hit some benchmark. The value in any endeavor almost always comes from the process of failing and trying, not in achieving.

 

4. No know actually KNOWS what they're doing.

There's a lot of pressure on kids in high school and college to know exactly what you want to do for the rest of their lives.  Starts with choosing a college, then a career, then landing that amazing job! It's like they're supposed to have a clear path right out of the gate to climb that ladder and getting to the top as soon as possible.  Then once that's set, you're supposed to get married, have the pefect two and a half children, drive your mini van and be happy, right? 

 

However, if at any point in the process, you don't know what you're doing or you get distracted or if you fail a few times, you're made to feel like you're a screw up and your entire life will be spend on a corner panhandling and drinking vodka at 8am in a park bench somewhere.

 

But reality is, almost no one has any idea what they're doing in their 20s, and I'm pretty sure this feeling is going to continue into my 30s. I'm just working off what my best guess is that I should be doing.  But the truth is, almost nobody has any idea what they're doing in their 20s, and I'm fairly certain that it will continue on into my 30s. Out of all the people I've had the chance to keep in touch with from high school, I can't think of more than 10 who've had their life set since high school.  I've known people who have changed jobs, careers, families, sexual orientation, hobbies, and so on.

 

I rarely had any clue what I was doing. I've had people ask how it is I ended up here, and how I decided on my career.  Truth is, it was luck.  I don't know if this will be my life for the next 20 years like I'm planning, but I do know that I've found something I enjoy doing, and in the meantime, I'm damn near decent.

 

5. Most people in the world are all looking for the same thing.

In hindsight, my 20s have been pretty great.  I've gone interesting places, met some crazy people people.  I've met people from all over the world with a thousand different view points.

What I've discovered is that from an outsider looking in is people are basically the same. Everyone spends most of their time worrying about food, money, their job and family, even people who are rich and well off. Everyone wants to look cool and feel important, even the ones who are already "cool" and "important." Everyone is proud of where they come from (epically those who hail from the great state of Minnesota!) Everyone has insecurities and anxieties, regardless of how successful they are. Everybody is afraid of failure and looking stupid. Everyone loves their friends and family yet also gets the most irritated by them.

 

Humans are, by and large, the same. It's just the details that varry.  Most of the differences that we have that we say are important, are merely byproducts of where we're from and how we were raised.

I've learned to judge people not by who they are (or claim who they are) but by what they do. Some of the kindest and most gracious people I've met were people who did not have to be kind or gracious to me. Some of the most obnoxious asshats have been people who had no business being obnoxious asshats. The world makes all kinds. And you don't know who you're dealing with until you spend enough time with a person to see what they do, not what they look like, or where they're from, how they vote, or anything like that. People are people.

 

6. The universe does not care about you

This thought is rather an intimidating one.  The idea that "no one cares about me" once taking word for word, thought by thought, is actually very liberating. The best quote I've heard in a long time is "You'll stop worrying what others think about you, when you realize how seldom they do." Everything we do will one day be forgotten.  It'll be as if we were never here.  The world WILL someday forget about us, like we were never here.  Just like this moment in time, nobody cares what you actually say or do with your life.

 

You might think this sounds mean or wrong, but take a second, look at your Facebook.  How many of these people do you think about on a daily basis? Odds are, not many.  What makes you think they think of you you?  This is actually good news.  It means you can get away with a lot of stupid shit and people will forget and forgive for it.   What it boils down to, is there is NO reason you shouldn't be that person you want to be.  Be who you really are, because no body cares.

 

7.  Life is full of extremes, learn to be moderate.

I think my life got 350% better once I realized the internet, television, newspapers and people are so extreme on everything! It's exhausting!!!  It's good to be passionate, yes, but if you're extreme it makes you filled with dismay for the people who aren't.  I'm not passionate about being a mother, and there are some who look down on me for that.  I look at it as  mere biological fact that, to keep the world going we need to have children. Yes, having kids is great, wonderful even, but my life will not revolve around it.  I look at politics as a waste of time now.  We all fight and NOTHING will get down in my next 30 years.  However, it's a necessary evil.  I will fight for what I believe, I'll always fight for those less fortunate, but I'll also support our military 100%.  It's important to sometimes retreat to that quiet 90% of life that isn't extreme and remind oneself: life is simple, people are good, and the canyons that appear to separate us are often just cracks

 

8. It's the little things that make the big things.

So often we see everyone's success and forget about what it took to get there.  I remember reading an article featuring one of the co-founders of Facebook.  The interviewer asked what it felt like to be part of an overnight success  like Facebook.  And I remember the guy saying "if by overnight you mean staying up and coding all night, everynight for six years straight, then it felt tiring and stressful."

We always assume things just happen how they are. As outsiders we see the final success and we never see the failures that go into the process. We think our one big idea will change the world and that's that.   What we fail to realize is that one big idea is made up of hundreds of small ideas and failures.  To be a success we need to maintain and hold onto these small steps.  Success does not happen over night....welcome to life!

 

9. The world, in general, is a good place.

There are bad people in Afghanistan and Iraq.  There are bad people in Europe.  There are bad people in the United States of America. There are bad cops, there are bad teachers, there are bad business men.  We see this because the news tells us to see this.  However, the world is a good place.  The firefighter who risks his life to run into a burning building to save a child.  The cop who puts himself in harms way to help an elderly man.  The teacher who  risks their career to stop abuse in a family.  The person who spends their Saturday at a homeless shelter serving meals.  The person who sits with the elderly and listens to their stories from their past.  You can think every arab is out to kill you.  You can think every Mexican is lazy and mooching off the government.  You can think every soldier is a baby killer.  You can think every republican is selfish and that every democrat is a hippie.  The truth is, you're wrong.  People are people.  In the end, we care for each other, we love each other, we look out for each other.  It doesn't matter where you're from, but who you are.  If you open your heart, your mind and your eyes, you too will see the beauty everywhere, and the love we all have for each other.

 

10.  Finally, time is short, don't take for granted a second.

This doesn't mean to not have your lazy days and sit around.  However it does mean to appreciate them.  The fact is, to survive in this world you need to work, and work consists of business meetings and doing things you don't want to do and generally being pissed that you're there.  But when you're feeling like that, think of the people who are sitting on the curb side, wondering where their next meal will come from.  When you drive by that person, help.  Give them a loaf of bread.  When you're sitting in front of your computer looking at what everyone on Facebook has that you don't, turn off your computer, go outside and thank the lord for all your blessings, for the people who love you everyday.  Don't look at life as something you simply have to get through, because people, we all come out the same way...we don't get out alive. So those little moments you can look around and be thankful for that exact moment in time, life is successful. In every situation, look for that silver lining.

 

In 20 years of life, there have been a lot of ups and a lot of downs.  So for those just starting off in their 20s, enjoy every day and know that each moment is a time to learn, love, grow and start building who you're going to become.

Hell hath no fury...the story so far

So I've been getting questions as to when I was going to write this specific blog.  Well, I decided now was finally the time.  I've had enough time to think about how I wanted to approach this subject.  Let's start from about Thanksgiving of last year...(and names will be omitted for, well, my sake! And also, caveat, these are all from my side of the story.  They may have other opinions of what happened, but I don't care, this is my blog...)

When I first arrived at Ft Carson, I was strolling around the PX and met this nice gentleman.  His name was John. He was infantry, so not the brightest bulb, but easy on the eyes, and made me laugh like no one had in a long time. Oh boy, he was handsome and ever so sweet. We had so much fun. 4-wheeling and off-roading. We went camping, he took me to amazing dinners, was a true gentleman.  Now, at this point I felt like things were just going too fast, for being so soon after my divorce.  So, we decided to hold off on it all for a bit.  Now he's in Afghanistan  and should be coming home sometime in November.  So, you just never know...but I still don't think I'm ready.

After saying goodbye to John, and after officially being separated from Colin for about 6 months, and had not seen him for about 7 months at that point, I thought was ready again. Around my birthday I met a guy I really liked, a lot.  Yeah, the "L" word was even dropped in the midst of that one. Well, things were going great, then a letter came saying he was going to be leaving, and then POOF, 180 degrees! He became cold, distant, harsh, not kind honestly.  I got hurt, a lot, but that didn't matter to him. I would pour my heart out, and it meant nothing.  Well, let's make a VERY long story short with this story...I'm still pretty bitter about this one. I felt betrayed but that what I felt didn't matter.  I left myself very vulnerable and was knocked down on my ass.  At this point of my relationship adventures, my wall began to build again, and I decided to keep people at a distance.

Well, after I got over that one (okay, it didn't take THAT long to move on....I think it was just more the hurt because it was the first real relationship I had since Colin) Moving on from him, I met a man named Terrell.  Now he was a beautiful man. He was very quiet, but after about 30 minutes he was totally opening up about everything.  I learned about his family, his friends, his life.  I learned what he was like in Germany, and all the while I couldn't stop looking at the muscles!  Now this one is another weird situation.  Like, things just fizzled away, sort of.  Because about once a month, I'll get a text and we'll talk forever, get together a couple times, and then fizzle.  Isn't that weird? I don't get it...

Then there was another guy.  I had been talking with him a while, met him when he was home on leave.  Well, I thought this could possibly end up to be something. We had I had so much in common.  I loved talking to him, and he made my day everyday!  Well, he finally came home for good.  The first time we were supposed to get together, he simply never responded to texts the day we planned to get together. That was a whole bunch of drama. Then, when we finally went out a couple weeks later, I was SO nervous, I think things just went south from there. I wish I could describe how the  mood was, but something was off.   But he talked like there were so many adventures in the future....I guess just not for the two of us. And even when I tried texting recently (because, there was no real official "this isn't gonna work" moment...) I realized what I liked was the idea of him.  Don't get me wrong, he's cute and nice, but apparently not what he had in mind.  But more importantly, this was the point I realized, I deserve SO much more than to be someone's backup plan.  That's not how I roll. 

There was also Roger.  He was cute as a button and very sweet as well. He brought me a blanket, heather and DVDs when I was on duty in a cold mechanics bay, at like midnight! I know, so sweet!  He, however, like Terrell, is a random "hey, what's up?" texter. Nothing ever really ended...or started.  About once a month, it's a "ya wanna hang out, catch a movie, I miss you, yadda yadda..." Man, they always keep coming back!

Well, I've decided that it's time to play the field a bit. In doing so, I've learned a lot about people.  There was one guy, we went out on a date, talked for 4 hours.  We talked everynight, everyday both texts and calls (all of which were initiated by him). We had plans for a Friday, then Wednesday morning, he simple stopped.  Just, no answering texts, no calls, like he fell off the face of this Earth.  Men....what the hell is wrong with you?

Then, there were THREE instances, yes three, where about 2 or 3 weeks into, whatever all this techincally is, they told me THEY WERE MARRIED! Yes, three men, all married.  Umm, huh?? Don't put your family baby mama drama on me...no.

There was one fella who, we were supposed to go to a movie, meet at 6:30, 6:45 came around, and nothing.  The excuse was "Oh, I fell asleep....I'm SO sorry." Mm hmm. Last time I checked, there were alarms for a reason. 

Recently, I met a fella who is former military, so he gets the life I live, which is nice.  I think he's gonna end up being a friend, but in the meantime, until we get to that zone, I'm enjoying the free dinners and movies and some awesome laughs!!!  He is the one I call my eye candy. Because everytime we go out, I swear to god, his muscles get bigger and his 6 pack gets 6 pack....ier??   I look at the girls heads turning, and I'm like, yeah...I'm with this guy, HA!

However, I've also met this nice latin doctor when I was at Evans the other day.  I'm just gonna say it because I know you're all thinking it, the guy is loaded. Drives a brand new BMW, wips out hundred dollar bills to pay for movies, I'm like, WTF mate? However, if I'm being honest he's not really my type, appearance wise. He's also rather, fast.  He's been looking at our future together, and I'm all over here like, " dude what's for dinner??" Everyone is telling me to expand beyond the muscle heads I usually go out with, so I figured this would be a good transition into the world of the "other" category.  Yes? Yes.

There have been several more dates in there.  Some went great and just sorta fizzled away (life gets too busy sometimes) and there were others that were AWFUL, that I choose to forget forever.  But no matter what, I've learned a lot of lessons.

In the midst of all this, I've had hope raised and dashed SO many times, so I decided it's time to stop dating to find love, and start dating to enjoy life.  The ride on this planet is SO short and no way am I ready to jump back into something so quickly.  I made that mistake once already, but I'm blaming it on my vulnerability. 

So here's my rules for this thing we call dating:
1. I'm gonna be shallow for a while.  If you don't meet my standards in one way or another, I'm not gonna do it. That sounds horrible, but I really don't care. I enjoy looking at handsome men, and if I'm not in this to fall in love right now, I'm taking them all for face value.

2. I'm living life for me and my dog.  If one of us does not approve, you're gone, no questions asked.

3.  If they start talking about "our future" it's a bye bye.  I'm not ready for that.  I don't want to meet your kids, I'm not gonna become their mom.  To expect that of anyone, is pretty awful and you need to get priorities in line.

4.  If you can't laugh at yourself, no.  This won't work either.

5. If I like you, I'll be honest about it, then probably move on.  Don't make a big deal about, or get freaked out, because it's not THAT big of deal.  We've all had crushes on people since elementary school.  The only difference is now, we buy drinks for those crushes.

6. And finally, I want to have fun with this. The only responsibilities I have right now are work and paying my bills. If I don't have a great time, there isn't gonna be a 2nd time.  Just the way it is.

7. I'm not closing myself off completely to the idea of finding "The One!" but it's not the reason why. If I find something AWESOME, no way will I let it go, but so far, no one has reached that point yet. 

So, I promised I'll be updating y'all.  I'm seeing the rich doctor on Saturday, so unless something comes along between then and now...be prepared!! Here's to happy hunting!!!

Irrational Females

This morning, I was very hot under the collar. Life the last couple days have just not gone well, and honestly, all I really wanted to do today, was be mad.  During PT, I was lucky to have a battle who just listened to me talking about how I wanted to punch people, how I wanted to run away, and hate the world!

Then people kept telling me "it'll be okay" yadda yadda.  The typical, good intentioned, pat on the shoulder stuff. But I just wanted to be mad!!!! And like I had a friend say, just have a pitty party!  Some people might think this is a terrible thing, but you know what, I don't give a damn.  I love being there for my friends and family when they're upset.  I love getting calls and I'm actually able to comfort them when times get hard for them. And maybe that's exactly what I was looking for today, I dunno.  But that's the beauty of social media, I can say what I want, and if you want to read it, you can.  If you don't want to, don't!

Maybe this is an irrational female thing.  I dunno. But I realized I don't care either. I am a female.  Sometimes I cry for no reason. Sometimes I let people have more power over my emotions than I should.  I am SO happy one minute and then bawling the next. I think the worst possible outcomes for most situations. I want to be surrounded by my loved ones, yet I want to be left alone.

Basically, what I'm saying here, is sometimes, all I want, is to be an irrational female.  There's not just ONE reason I'm mad, or happy.  Just go with it.  I'm learning that tomorrow might be better, but it might be worse. I dunno. All I know about tomorrow, is that I know nothing!

Father Knows Best

Tomorrow is the day we celebrate our dads.  My dad always thought it was unfair because Mothers  got to celebrate their holiday during the school year, so kids would come home with plants and paintings of their hands.  What did Dads get? Usually a neck tie.

This week I've been watching The Today Show and they've been featuring the concept of the new dad.  The dad who puts his family before his career and friends.  The dad who changes diapers and fixes boo boos.  The dad who brings his kids to soccer, ballet, and is there when they always fall.  Maybe I come from a weird family, but my dad always was, and still is, that dad.

Since the time I was little my dad has been there for me not because he had to, but because he wanted to.  Because my dad was a teacher in the same school district (and yes, the same high school) I went to, we spent every summer together. I didn't have many friends in the neighborhood, so he took the time to be my friend. We went to Valley Fair all the time, and while he may not admit it, I whooped him in the bumper cars every time.  He sat through all the terrible kids movies I wanted to see, and exposed me to the Naked Gun movies at a very young age (as well as introducing me to Star Wars...)  We went to Disney World for spring break, played ball on the Field of Dreams in Iowa and spent a lot of time downtown at Matthew Mallard's, and racing our receipts down the escalators. Took me to Viking and Buccaneers games and endured the terrible fans.

Out of all the things we've done together (and there are WAY too many to name) there are a couple things that mean the most.  The first is baseball.  From the time I was young, my dad taught me about the love the game.  He taught me about the subtleties, the best advice ever? "Watch the outfielders." When the crowd gets excited, I find myself saying to whomever I'm with "watch the outfielders..." He introduced to me the history of baseball, and how it effected the country.  It was the place to go to escape problems. It's baseball! I learned that in baseball, anything was possible.

While some look at our relationship as different and strange, some of the best times I've ever had with my dad, was going grocery shopping. Yes. Even up until this day, when my dad and I go grocery shopping we get into epic arguments.  Not the ones that people are actually upset, rather somehow, we can spend 20 minutes in the frozen section debating veggies. As much as I love writing, there really are no words to describe what we do at the grocery store.  We get really strange looks, ever since I was little pushing my little orange and yellow cart through the isles, we can be classified at obnoxious, but we never leave the store, not laughing. I am so lucky.

He taught me baseball, football, grilling, politics.  He taught me what a good steak is (and to never put A1 on it) and to make sure to clean all the meat off my BBQ Ribs. He taught me to keep my eye on the ball. He taught me not only the awesome things in life, but he taught me the important things.

I grew up in the age where not everyone won. We all didn't get trophies and we learned to loose.  Part of that process was having my Dad tell me that it was okay.  My dad was there when I lost my karate tournaments or t-ball games.  He was there for me to teach me that life went on.  There is disappointments in life, and it's up to us to get through it.

He was also the one to teach me about being a strong female.  Some think it's weird that my dad is the one that was put in that roll.  But, look who he married.  He married a woman who stood her ground, fought for what she wanted, and denied his marriage proposal like four times!!  He taught me about my self-worth.  That while I might be feeling down, I should never settle for anything less than what I want!

My Dad has always been the man who I judged all others against.  Which, on my part, might be unfair. To me, my dad is awesome. He treated us right and always did what was best for us.  The new modern dad is everything my dad has always been.  He taught us how to care for each other and always put family first. He taught me about expectations and to set them high. 

Even since I've moved away he's still there for me. My Dad is one of the few people in the world I know that, even at 3am, I can call and he'll answer the phone. If I really need someone, he'll be out in Colorado that day.  Happy Fathers Day to the man who really does know best, what's best for his family and his two little girls! Some people call him Mr Berg, Fred, even a community icon.  But I am one of the luckiest two girls in the world, that get to call him Daddy!

The Resume of a Girlfriend

I'm learning that in this high tech, high competitive world, and as I get older, dating becomes more of a job interview rather than dating. You know on date one whether the person has possibilities. Date two, you get to know a bit more about that person and you're probably already seeing things that would get on your nerves. If you make it to date three there are total possibilities.

Of course now there's online dating, speed dating, mixers, clubs, bars, and even work.  So how do you go about sorting through these possibilites? Well, let me make it easy for you.

TO ALL FUTURE SIGNIFICANT OTHERS, HERE IS MY RESUME TO BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND:



To whom it may concern,
My name is Cara and I am uniquely qualified for the position of (insert name here)'s girlfriend, soul mate, and life partner. Enclosed you will find my resume, which details my extensive dating and relationship experience. I would like to point out that I am a dedicated and independent girlfriend, a self-starter and very loyal. I also have completed considerable research on the topic of love, including countless hours reading dating/relationship blogs, a subscriber to Cosmo magazine and watching romantic comedies.
In addition to my observational studies of human romantic relationships, I have dedicated a substantial amount of my research to experimentation. My last serious position, a relationship of close to ten years where I married the bum, taught me many things about love. It helped me know what I want, what I deserve, and how immensely strong I really am. I believe the lessons I learned from this relationship, as well as my other relationships detailed in my resume, greatly prepare me for my next role: (insert name here)'s girlfriend, soul mate and life partner.
Per your request, I also included my weaknesses in my resume. As I am dedicated to self-improvement, I am working vigorously to improve upon my weaknesses to become a better life partner.
Thank you very much for this opportunity and your time to review my materials. I look forward to talking with you further about this exciting position.
Sincerely,
Cara

Cara Ann

Colorado Springs, CO

OBJECTIVE
To obtain a fulfilling and rewarding position as (insert name here)’s girlfriend, soul mate and life partner.
.
EXPERIENCE
Pseudo girlfriend (December 2013-March 2014); (short recess in February 2014)
Served as a pseudo girlfriend for a local Army Mechanic. While this relationship is structured as having no titles, we hung out at least once a week and texted each other daily. Going out to eat at new restaurants and spending lazy Sundays planning to do things – and then never really doing them – key components of this relationship. Filled with mild confusion and general “let’s enjoy it while it lasts” attitude.

Girlfriend; Fiancée; Wife (November 2004-July 2013)
A committed and loving girlfriend for five years (through two deployments), and fiancée and wife for five years (Through another deployment.) Handled many challenges, including health problems and differences of politics and opinion. Successfully lived with my partner, including sharing responsibilities for housework and finding innovative ways to share our space. Multiple vacations, romantic moments and promises of forever. Diligently planned a beautiful wedding. This relationship proved my ability to love almost unconditionally, and willingness to commit my life to one person. The survival of the end of this relationship proved my internal strength and ability to love myself.

Dates and Other Romantic Encounters (August 2003- November 2004)
Romantic encounters with  Unbelievably Smart Guy, Emo Guy, Doctor Man and Police Officer, among others. Also dabbled in online dating on several fun occasions. Through these experiences, improved my dating skills and obtained experience in the art of the awkward first kiss. The results were remarkable: For most, it resulted in the request of a second date. More importantly, had a lot of fun in these roles and learned a few lessons in the process.

Other Various Positions (Youth-Present)
Served in various other random positions, with individuals including Chipplebee's Guys; Cheater, Cheater Pumpkin Eater Guy;  Nice Hair Guy; Hot Gym Guy; Geeky Theatre Crush Guy; The One Who Got Away; Pilot Guy, Infantry Guy, and Short Guy.Other Positions Held, Resources Available Upon Request.

EDUCATION
In the past 30 years, viewed countless romantic comedies, read many novels of love and seduction, and observed relationships of all ages. Own the comprehensive DVD collection of Bridget Jones movies and have memorized He's Not That Into You and Love Actually.
Come from a family of many years of Marriage experience (Fred and Carol Berg- 40 Years) (Rachel and Matt Scherer- Producer of greatest nephew) (Other family examples are exemplary)

AWARDS & ACHIEVEMENTS
While no written record exists of this award, I recall on several occasions hearing a romantic interest say, “Best girlfriend ever!” Although, in the interest of full disclosure, I should mention that this statement was used sarcastically a few times.
Also been given the title of "The One Who Got Away" on numerous occasions.

WEAKNESSES

• Carry some baggage
• Lack of culinary skills/desire (except for desserts)
• Slightly untrusting of men due to previous experiences
• Do not have premium cable package
• Move a lot and travel due to work obligations
• Incapable of parallel parking
• Frequently lost or unable to follow driving directions
• Tend to lose items such as keys, wallets, hats, purses, etc.
• Frequently require car assistance, such as the changing of flat tires and oil changing

STRENGTHS

• Great job with awesome benefits
• Understand and enjoy sports (Football, basketball, baseball, hockey)
• Able to lift heavy things and open the pickle jar by myself.
• Considerate
• Intelligent
• Expansive gift-giving abilities
• Live alone in a nice apartment with a top-notch Dog
• Independent
• Easily trusted and OFTEN confided in
• Always available for an ear for listening or shoulder to cry on.
• Able to make anyone smile
• Own a flat-screen TV (No matter how small)
• Honest and trustworthy
• Great with parents(Honestly, they absolutely love me!)
• Previous suitors have remarked positively on love-making skills
• No debt
• Not crazy (all the time)
• Very strong future and able to provide for me and a family
• Ability to make the right man laugh, cry, forgive, excel, fight, make-up, take pictures, travel, dream, believe, dance and most of all, love.  

**References, work samples, photos and auditions available upon request.**

The Battle Within

For the last few days, I've been trying to figure out how to write this blog.  I've been talking to several people lately about depression.  They're afraid to ask for help, how it's caused them to seclude themselves from things they enjoy and out of the world.  Well, I'd like to share this part of my life with you all.

In middle school I was diagnosed with depression.  At first I thought it was just typical middle school problems.  The feeling lonely and sad all the time.  Not being able to reach out to people and relate. It got to the point of me wanting to harm myself. I was an awful student, I compared myself to everyone and could never see the talents I had, or any positive points.

When we realized it was more than puberty, I started on medication. And it helped my brain, for sure, but it my body feel worse. It was a toss up as to which was worse.  So once I started feeling better, I I stopped taking my pills. Eventually the moods came back around my junior year of high school and I began feeling down again.

That summer I got my senior pictures taken. I didn't mind them, but I had such an attitude of "EH" I didn't really care.  I hated the way I looked in anything I did and my self esteem was low, so I didn't think twice about them.  However, when I looked at them, I decided that I didn't want to feel that way anymore

I joined Weight Watchers, lost 50 pounds, wore jeans for one of the first times in my life, and I was feeling good about me again.  I was getting the confidence to meet new people, I became social and being teased didn't bother me as much.

College came around I gained all my weight back, plus a bit more.  My confidence started to dinisnish again.  As a female in her early 20s, with low self confidence, my life wasn't always on the right track.  I drank a lot.  I did things I am certainly not proud of. I felt desperate to grab onto something, anything.  I was becoming a hazard to myself, and started losing friends because of it.

Then I met the man who would become my husaband. He kept me on the straight and narrow.  I loved spending time with him and for the next seven years, I was feeling okay, despite how I was looking and what I was doing to my body.

While I was feeling OKAY, inside I was crying all the time. I was good at telling people I was okay and that I was very happy with my life.  Bt really, I was so miserable.  On his last deployment I met a man who very quickly became one of my best friends, Norm.  He encouraged me with fitness and nutrition, but also with matters of the heart.  Our workout sessions also quickly became therapy sessions.  He made me feel like a super star.  He made me realize I was more than what Colin was making me out to be.  I was pretty awesome!  Norm brought out my true personality. A personality of caring and love, of strength of compassion, he brought out who I not only wanted to be, but who I was meant to be.

That was when I truly realized inside, my depression was still very real and pretty scary. I was alone even if I was married, I had to stop working with Norm, and even contemplating to go back on drugs to help even me out.  It was at that point I realized it was when I was working out, is when I was happy.  When I moved for even just an hour a day, my mood for the rest of the day was totally different. It was then I realize I had the power to control how I felt, not a pill.

Colin came home from his deployment.  I was working 5 jobs to support a man who was cheating on me.  I lost who I had become...again. Finally I got back with Norm.  He introduced me to a group of women who don't realize, they absolutly saved my life. I was ready to give up on my dreams for getting into the military.  I was going to settle for a less than average home life. I wanted to quit life, period.

These women kept me going and finally, I achieved my goal.  I started my life over.  I left Minnesota, moved to Colorado away from my hot moms, my friends and family and life began to get rough again. I hit bottom and realized I can't keep going with the ups and downs. I had to take control once more.

So here I am.  Focusing on my health and my happiness. People ask me how I stay happy  all the time and my answer is, I'm not. Every single day I have to wake up and fight this battle going on inside my head.  I have to decide I'm stronger than my illness and I'm never going to let it beat me.  It's up to me to be happy, not science.

I'm not saying if you need help, to not go to the doctor.  It takes the strongest of people to know when to ask for it. What I'm saying is, sometimes it's completely up to you as to how you're going to look at the day.  I can look at all the things wrong in my life, because there's a lot! But I've made the decision to wake up and love life.  I'm going to make physical exercise my pill. I'm going to keep trying to help others and support them in any way I can. It takes time it takes strength, and it takes all of your soul to decide to be happy.


And P.S. There are still days when I get super low, that part is called being human. In no way am I super human...just a desire to be the best person I absolutely can be.

My very public life

Let me preface this whole entry by saying, it may not have been the intention of certain folks to make me feel this way, but alas, it's what happened.  And since this my blog, and I love freedom of speech, guess what? It's what I'm writing! 

This morning while sitting on my deck, hanging out with my dog and the crazy squirrels, listening to my music, enjoying the beauty of the mountains, it got me thinking again.  (Sunday mornings have become my zen time. The time when I have NO WHERE to go or be, just being alone with my thoughts.)  Well, I was reviewing some of my messages from last night and I had the chance to talk with a wonderful girl from my college. She's awesome, you'd love her.  Anyway, we're going to be holding each other accountable and her messages made me smile.

She told me that I was an inspiration and it felt good to be called that  (come on, who doesn't love knowing they make a difference in people's lives!?) I then was reviewing texts from another friend and it became a "let god into your life! You won't be happy until you do..." type session. In the end, and after nearly an hour of that crap,  I felt like a bad person for not falling to my knees and praising god, which in turn, made me say "fuck god!" Horrible, I know, but when he was preaching to me, I felt like god certainly was NOT present.  I think God would be like "Dude, leave her alone...she's got this shit!"  And you guys know me by now, you don't preach to me.  Just because going to church makes you feel okay for an hour, doesn't mean that's how I roll. You can share with me your faith, and I will listen and respect you for it.  Don't preach. Don't tell me to put ALL my faith in God and not to take control of my own life.  It doesn't work that way with me. He made the point that, well, it worked for him, why wouldn't it work for me? I'll tell you why....I'm not you.

 However, I woke up with a feeling of, ya know what, there's more than one way to let God into your life.  I choose to think I'm doing God's work by being there for friends and family.  For loving with my whole heart even when it's not returned.  For being an ear whenever anyone needs it and NOT making them feel bad.  For holding a door with a smile, for saying "how are you?" and genuinelly caring.  I'm doing God's work by not judging those who don't believe, by not judging those who have a different lifestyle, and by simply being a damn good person. I don't have to read the bible to know that I am doing God's work every single day.

Why am I telling you all this weird, what appears to be random story?  I made the decision a little over 4 years ago now to make this journey of mine very public.  I don't have many secrets and I am okay with that BECAUSE of what my girlfriend told me last night not what my male friend was preaching.  I want people know that life is not always good.  So many times we see on Facebook this life that appears perfect.  I can't tell you how many times I get messages, calls, texts saying "Thank you for posting that, I needed to hear it was okay!"  I am proud that I live a very public life and I want people to know it's okay to get pissed off, including when people you thought were there for you, were just there to make themselves feel better.

I know I've been slacking on here lately keeping everyone up on the happenings of life, but if I can only get one point across through this particular entry, it's this, and it's best said by one of my personal heroes, Eleanor Roosevelt: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." How true is that.  I could have woken up this morning feeling like shit still, but why would I let someone who can't see tomorrow, dictate my today?

Ironically, as I am finishing up this blog, I clicked open my Facebook.  The first story on my timeline was from the page "Humans of New York" and this is what was featured:

"Going through life without God is like being an astronaut tumbling out of control in outer space. You grab on to this, but it breaks, and you tumble some more. Every time you lose something that you tried to hold on to-- your marriage, your job, your mom-- you start tumbling even faster. So you've got to stay close. You can't cut your umbilical cord. But you don't have to go to church. God is everywhere. God is that blade of grass trying to come up through the concrete. So many people go to church, and leave church, not even realizing that they are the church. You just need to make a determination in your mind that you want to find and believe in the truth."

Everyday I choose to live with my heart out front, the way I truly believe God wired me to do. Sometimes that means it gets hurt, but you know what I've realized?  For every one person that hurts it, I have 20 more who are ready to help heal it (and I guarentee, if you look, you have the same blessings.)  No, I'm not willing to turn my life completely over to God, because I believe that's not why I'm put on this Earth.  I'm put on this Earth to doubt and question, even if it seems wrong to some. 

Mostly, I've been put on this Earth to experience pain and ache, so when I find love and friendship, I know what it is and I can TRULY appreciate it, no matter how fast it may leave.  Mostly though, I'm here to make sure to tell you all it's all right to doubt and wonder.  It's not okay to have people make you feel like shit, no matter how you once felt about them. Cherish those who see you how you want to be seen. Most importantly, if you believe in God, Allah, Buddah, Mother Earth, or no one, know that, that is who you're supposed to be. And I want to thank all of you for letting me be me, free of judgement, but full of love and support. Now, bring on the day!