For the last few days, I've been trying to figure out how to write this blog. I've been talking to several people lately about depression. They're afraid to ask for help, how it's caused them to seclude themselves from things they enjoy and out of the world. Well, I'd like to share this part of my life with you all.
In middle school I was diagnosed with depression. At first I thought it was just typical middle school problems. The feeling lonely and sad all the time. Not being able to reach out to people and relate. It got to the point of me wanting to harm myself. I was an awful student, I compared myself to everyone and could never see the talents I had, or any positive points.
When we realized it was more than puberty, I started on medication. And it helped my brain, for sure, but it my body feel worse. It was a toss up as to which was worse. So once I started feeling better, I I stopped taking my pills. Eventually the moods came back around my junior year of high school and I began feeling down again.
That summer I got my senior pictures taken. I didn't mind them, but I had such an attitude of "EH" I didn't really care. I hated the way I looked in anything I did and my self esteem was low, so I didn't think twice about them. However, when I looked at them, I decided that I didn't want to feel that way anymore
I joined Weight Watchers, lost 50 pounds, wore jeans for one of the first times in my life, and I was feeling good about me again. I was getting the confidence to meet new people, I became social and being teased didn't bother me as much.
College came around I gained all my weight back, plus a bit more. My confidence started to dinisnish again. As a female in her early 20s, with low self confidence, my life wasn't always on the right track. I drank a lot. I did things I am certainly not proud of. I felt desperate to grab onto something, anything. I was becoming a hazard to myself, and started losing friends because of it.
Then I met the man who would become my husaband. He kept me on the straight and narrow. I loved spending time with him and for the next seven years, I was feeling okay, despite how I was looking and what I was doing to my body.
While I was feeling OKAY, inside I was crying all the time. I was good at telling people I was okay and that I was very happy with my life. Bt really, I was so miserable. On his last deployment I met a man who very quickly became one of my best friends, Norm. He encouraged me with fitness and nutrition, but also with matters of the heart. Our workout sessions also quickly became therapy sessions. He made me feel like a super star. He made me realize I was more than what Colin was making me out to be. I was pretty awesome! Norm brought out my true personality. A personality of caring and love, of strength of compassion, he brought out who I not only wanted to be, but who I was meant to be.
That was when I truly realized inside, my depression was still very real and pretty scary. I was alone even if I was married, I had to stop working with Norm, and even contemplating to go back on drugs to help even me out. It was at that point I realized it was when I was working out, is when I was happy. When I moved for even just an hour a day, my mood for the rest of the day was totally different. It was then I realize I had the power to control how I felt, not a pill.
Colin came home from his deployment. I was working 5 jobs to support a man who was cheating on me. I lost who I had become...again. Finally I got back with Norm. He introduced me to a group of women who don't realize, they absolutly saved my life. I was ready to give up on my dreams for getting into the military. I was going to settle for a less than average home life. I wanted to quit life, period.
These women kept me going and finally, I achieved my goal. I started my life over. I left Minnesota, moved to Colorado away from my hot moms, my friends and family and life began to get rough again. I hit bottom and realized I can't keep going with the ups and downs. I had to take control once more.
So here I am. Focusing on my health and my happiness. People ask me how I stay happy all the time and my answer is, I'm not. Every single day I have to wake up and fight this battle going on inside my head. I have to decide I'm stronger than my illness and I'm never going to let it beat me. It's up to me to be happy, not science.
I'm not saying if you need help, to not go to the doctor. It takes the strongest of people to know when to ask for it. What I'm saying is, sometimes it's completely up to you as to how you're going to look at the day. I can look at all the things wrong in my life, because there's a lot! But I've made the decision to wake up and love life. I'm going to make physical exercise my pill. I'm going to keep trying to help others and support them in any way I can. It takes time it takes strength, and it takes all of your soul to decide to be happy.
And P.S. There are still days when I get super low, that part is called being human. In no way am I super human...just a desire to be the best person I absolutely can be.
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