This morning while sitting on my deck, hanging out with my dog and the crazy squirrels, listening to my music, enjoying the beauty of the mountains, it got me thinking again. (Sunday mornings have become my zen time. The time when I have NO WHERE to go or be, just being alone with my thoughts.) Well, I was reviewing some of my messages from last night and I had the chance to talk with a wonderful girl from my college. She's awesome, you'd love her. Anyway, we're going to be holding each other accountable and her messages made me smile.
She told me that I was an inspiration and it felt good to be called that (come on, who doesn't love knowing they make a difference in people's lives!?) I then was reviewing texts from another friend and it became a "let god into your life! You won't be happy until you do..." type session. In the end, and after nearly an hour of that crap, I felt like a bad person for not falling to my knees and praising god, which in turn, made me say "fuck god!" Horrible, I know, but when he was preaching to me, I felt like god certainly was NOT present. I think God would be like "Dude, leave her alone...she's got this shit!" And you guys know me by now, you don't preach to me. Just because going to church makes you feel okay for an hour, doesn't mean that's how I roll. You can share with me your faith, and I will listen and respect you for it. Don't preach. Don't tell me to put ALL my faith in God and not to take control of my own life. It doesn't work that way with me. He made the point that, well, it worked for him, why wouldn't it work for me? I'll tell you why....I'm not you.
However, I woke up with a feeling of, ya know what, there's more than one way to let God into your life. I choose to think I'm doing God's work by being there for friends and family. For loving with my whole heart even when it's not returned. For being an ear whenever anyone needs it and NOT making them feel bad. For holding a door with a smile, for saying "how are you?" and genuinelly caring. I'm doing God's work by not judging those who don't believe, by not judging those who have a different lifestyle, and by simply being a damn good person. I don't have to read the bible to know that I am doing God's work every single day.
Why am I telling you all this weird, what appears to be random story? I made the decision a little over 4 years ago now to make this journey of mine very public. I don't have many secrets and I am okay with that BECAUSE of what my girlfriend told me last night not what my male friend was preaching. I want people know that life is not always good. So many times we see on Facebook this life that appears perfect. I can't tell you how many times I get messages, calls, texts saying "Thank you for posting that, I needed to hear it was okay!" I am proud that I live a very public life and I want people to know it's okay to get pissed off, including when people you thought were there for you, were just there to make themselves feel better.
I know I've been slacking on here lately keeping everyone up on the happenings of life, but if I can only get one point across through this particular entry, it's this, and it's best said by one of my personal heroes, Eleanor Roosevelt: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." How true is that. I could have woken up this morning feeling like shit still, but why would I let someone who can't see tomorrow, dictate my today?
Ironically, as I am finishing up this blog, I clicked open my Facebook. The first story on my timeline was from the page "Humans of New York" and this is what was featured:
"Going through life without God is like being an astronaut tumbling out of control in outer space. You grab on to this, but it breaks, and you tumble some more. Every time you lose something that you tried to hold on to-- your marriage, your job, your mom-- you start tumbling even faster. So you've got to stay close. You can't cut your umbilical cord. But you don't have to go to church. God is everywhere. God is that blade of grass trying to come up through the concrete. So many people go to church, and leave church, not even realizing that they are the church. You just need to make a determination in your mind that you want to find and believe in the truth."
Everyday I choose to live with my heart out front, the way I truly believe God wired me to do. Sometimes that means it gets hurt, but you know what I've realized? For every one person that hurts it, I have 20 more who are ready to help heal it (and I guarentee, if you look, you have the same blessings.) No, I'm not willing to turn my life completely over to God, because I believe that's not why I'm put on this Earth. I'm put on this Earth to doubt and question, even if it seems wrong to some.
Mostly, I've been put on this Earth to experience pain and ache, so when I find love and friendship, I know what it is and I can TRULY appreciate it, no matter how fast it may leave. Mostly though, I'm here to make sure to tell you all it's all right to doubt and wonder. It's not okay to have people make you feel like shit, no matter how you once felt about them. Cherish those who see you how you want to be seen. Most importantly, if you believe in God, Allah, Buddah, Mother Earth, or no one, know that, that is who you're supposed to be. And I want to thank all of you for letting me be me, free of judgement, but full of love and support. Now, bring on the day!
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