Ya know, I was just watching a few videos on youtube and reading some of the comments. All of which were in the vicinity of "OMG, I cried so hard watching this video!" Well, sure the video was sad, and made me get a lump in my throat, I realized, that this past weekend was the first time I really cried this whole deployment. Even the days he left, I cried at the air port, when I was alone, and that was it! I was teary, a little depressed, but never cried!!
Maybe I see it as a sign of weakness or something, and maybe that's why I couldn't stop for two days and I wouldn't leave my place for two days. There's a part of me that knows, when I cry, I'm leaving myself open for pitty, and I hate that! Yes, Colin is gone, and I miss him like crazy, but what good is it going to do me, sitting home and crying all day? Am I heartless for thinking of it that way? I know before his career is done, and mine as well, we are going to have to say goodbye again, maybe once, maybe twice, three times is also realistic! It's a reality in the military.
But, again, I ask, why is it, after 11 months of being apart, NOW is when I decide to cry!? I've tried to be strong for other wives and for friends problems and for friend's joys. I've gone to family events, friend's parties and so many other things as a single, married woman. I'm always there for people, maybe, this one time, I felt like I needed someone here, and no one was. It's a big apartment, and it's just me and the dog. I felt, for the first time, I was truly alone.
I made the comment to a friend the other day that Christmas is the bi-ploar holiday. The ups are SO up and the downs are SOOO down! It's hard being a military wife, but I don't think I would have it any other way. So maybe I'll get one or two more good cries in the next month, but I guess we'll see...well, I will....you won't! :)
No comments:
Post a Comment