Do one thing everyday that scares you...check.

About two weeks ago now, the soldiers of C 2/60th at Ft. Jackson South Carolina lost a battle buddy. He took his own life, and I know this will be the first of what is the unfortunate part of military life.  It's hard saying goodbye when someone deploys, or PCS' or just separates from the Army.  However, this goodbye is a long time temporary one.  I know I'll get to see everyone who passes again someday, but it really makes you think about the short time we have on this planet.

I don't know what hit me tonight, or who is guiding me while I write this, but something came over me. Suddenly it hit me that this life is SO short.  While it goes against all human nature to do things that scare us, imagine what kind of world we'd be in if we all took a chance.  Told people HOW we really feel.  Took that step at work that we're not sure is right but we think it is.  We do that sky dive or travel to that land that we want to see, but aren't really sure if we should.  Imagine your life now if ten years ago you took a crazy leap, where would you be?

When our risks don't see the rewards we want, it's hard to try again. It's hard to say "Okay, I put myself out there, I failed, but there is a reason I did."  Rejection is one of those human emotions that will case anyone to crawl back into a shell and turn out the world. And, it's going to happen, because that's life. But, if we keep living our lives in fear, we may never know why we're here on this Earth for the short amount of time we are.

Taking chances in life is scary, I understand this more than anyone.  But what I've learned is the greatest things in life come from that push inside of us. That voice daring us, that little voice in the back saying "seriously, you need to do this!" Don't be scared to fail.  Yes, it'll happen, but don't let that stop you.  If your courage comes from your heart, head, gut, soul, wherever, LISTEN TO IT! Don't be scared, take that chance.  Go for that new job.  Go for that person's heart.  Don't stop until you know you've given every chance....don't be scared!

In the movie "We Bought a Zoo," while the movie itself is sub-par it has an amazing line in it: "You know, sometimes all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage. Just, literally, 20 seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it"

Have courage and have faith.  Have courage to take that step...no, that leap to do something that terrifies you, and have faith that, while it may not be what you think,  or turn out how you plan, it absolutely will turn out how it should.

Keep it strong my friends.

"Pearls don't lie on the seashore, if you want one, you must dive for it." - Chinese proverb

"Do the one thing you think you cannot do. Fail at it. Try again. Do better the second time. The only people who never tumble are those who never mount the high wire. This is your moment. Own it." -Oprah Winfrey


 "Always go with your passions. Never ask yourself if it’s realistic or not."  Deepak Chopra



"You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something – your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life."  Steve Jobs

And finally, I find this song very fitting right now:

 

Values of relationships- Trust

In the last couple days, I've had several friend approach me, quite upset. When I asked what was wrong, it was one situation or another, however the one thing they all had in common was that someone had betrayed their trust. You see, trust can be the strongest bond any two people can share, however, I promise you, it is as fragil as a butterfly in a hurricane. Once that trust is broken and gone, there is no going back, and I think that's what makes it such a scary emotion.

Whether it's friends or romantic partnerships, relationships are based on  certain values that connect you to each other.  Trust, communication, respect, commitment, support, risk and progression. (These are my top 7 at least)

Think about your past relationships. Think about your "now" relationships.  Think about the best ones, the strongest ones and think about the ones that might not be the healthiest. 

For me, the healthiest of them all have a firm base based upon trust. Like I said, it is what I consider to be the base of any healthy relationship.  My problem used to be that I trusted very easily.  I kept my heart open, I shared my thoughts and feelings and many people took advantage of that. So, rather than beating a dead horse, I simply stopped trusting.  When I ask a question to people, all I ask for is honesty because that's what I give them, 100%.  

Here's where my personal delema comes in. Even if what is told to me is the truth, unless it hurts me, I don't believe it.  That sounds weird and probably a little bit jacked up, and I know it does, but it's what my conscious is telling me.  

If you run into a tree branch and get scratched, odds are you're gonna be a little bit more careful through the woods next time. Tread lightly as you will.  However, you run through the forest come out the other side and you're broken, bleeding, scratched and in pain, odds are your view of those woods will be bleak and you're going to try to avoid it, and the pain, at all costs.  Well, that's how I feel about trust. And right now I'm standing on the edge of that woodline looking in.  Do I trust me enough, do I trust my gut and do I follow my heart?  Damn those woods.

As any good blogger will tell you, find a cultural reference.  I was catching up on my DVR this morning and NCIS came on, and my future ex-husband Gibbs was on speaking about his rules. I love Gibbs' rules and ironically, for a man who trusts his gutt more than people, his wise words echo throughout TV Land. So here are a couple of Gibbs' rules that are so fitting:

Rule 40: If it seems like someone's out to get you, they are.
Rule 42: Don't ever accept an apology from someone that just sucker-punched you.
And I think most importantly for this situation:
Rule 51: Sometimes - you're wrong 

I'm not saying don't trust people, because without trust there really is nothing. Opening up my heart was one of my most important New Years Promises to me, and unfortunately that means learning to trust again. The thought scares the hell out of me because I've felt the pain, as have all of you. However, if I follow my gut, and truly believe the world is a beautiful place, I'm ready to clear that path through the woods....
 

Inspiration in all the wrong places

I was in my class today, and it was about 15 minutes before heading out to lunch.  I got a text message from my Sgt informing me that I was voluntold to do the Fort Carson "i-heart challenge."  At first I was insulted. Yeah, I didn't make weight, but I made tape! I've been slowly making process on my goals and it was almost like a slap in the face.   Then I remembered my lenten goal...to look at every situation as a learning experience rather than a punishment. So that's the mindset I'm taking.


When I got there, I got my height and weight, typical. Then I found out the rewards.  I found out that there is a $550 dollar award for the winner. $320 (or something like that) for 2nd, and top male and female winners also get a prize.  While the money is great, my personal goal is even better. In December I am going to Las Vegas for my 30th birthday.  I feel like a lot of people go through a "phase" with this birthday.  You're no longer at that age where people look at you as young. You should be at the point of settling down, doing the whole "family" thing and big life changes. Solid in a career and a home life! It's 30!


Not looking at these pressures, I'm going to go in style!! I am going to be the fittest I've ever been. I have a look in mind I want.  I want to walk down those streets and KNOW I'm awesome! I want to know that finally, my outside matches everything I am inside.  Basically, my goal is to be "the whole package!" (I know, "they" always say do things for yourself. Lose weight for YOU. Love yourself first, etc.  And while I agree 1000% that you should, having someone you want to be awesome for, is also a MAJOR push in the right direction! We all know we do it! Don't judge me!)


In the last couple months, I've been lacking a few things, and one of them is true inspiration.  For some reason, the song "Looking for Love in all the Wrong Places..." is going through my head, but put in "inspiration" over "love" and you've got my life! I've been turning to things that seem to have been doing more harm than help.  When I was first trying to join the military, I had my Hot Moms, my family and of course a REAL goal! Now finally, I'm refinding my inspiration!


I have found a group of people who are going to push me to new levels because they believe in me.  I have a real goal of the 30th anniversary of my birth, and I have a method of doing it! I have finally found my combination again of my perffect inspiration!! I haven't been this excited and this ready to go in a long time!


June 8th is the deadline for the "i-heart challenge" and December 3rd is my 30th birthday. I have the outfit I want to wear, I have the reward I'm going to spoil myself with and finally, I have found all the right inspiration in all the right places!


Now, time to start this journey....who's coming with me?!?

Sometimes, there are no words...

I suppose you're thinking, "well, if there are no words, why on Earth is she writing a blog about it?"

Let me compare these feelings to a certain cultural reference.  You know those commercials that are like "Pens, 4 dollars. Notebook, 2dollars. Words to say everything you feel, priceless!"  Well, that's how this particular blog is going to go.  Somehow, I'm going to express my unexpressable words!

Today, I'm feeling betrayed.  I'm feeling hurt.  I'm feeling heart broken.  Have you ever opened up to anyone, left yourself vulnerable?  So open in fact, that with merely a few words, you feel like the world is crashing down around you!? Okay, so maybe that's a little dramatic but it does hurts bad.

What I guess I'm trying to get at is, in the last 24 hours, I've been rejected by someone who I thought cared, loved even.  A someone who I opened myself up to, only to get torn down pretty hard.  With all the crap I went through with Colin, the constant rejection, the lack of time, the words that can never be taken back, I thought I was ready to go again.  Good as gold. I left my heart open because I thought it would help it heal. I was wrong.  I opened my heart only for it to get hurt all over again.

However,(here's the part I like and the part I hope you focus on) like every situation I go through in life, I use it as a learning tool.  Here's what I learned with this.  While right now, it hurts, and it hurts a lot, you know what? Life will go on.  And it will go on tomorrow and the next day, and even the next day.  The pain will be there, and I'll be reminded constantly of it, however, eventually it will subside.

Not everyone is made for us, no matter how bad we may want them to be. I deserve the best person for me. I DESERVE someone who isn't going to put me in fourth, third or even second place. I want someone who is capable of returning all the love I have to give. Not just when it's easy, but when I'm sick in bed and ugly as a dog on a hot July afternoon. Someone who I can laugh with, go on adventures with and experience life on the SAME path, not parallel roads.

I learned from this experience is that it's okay to open your heart, but it's also okay to be hurt.  Life can't always be a bed of a roses.  Sometimes going through the hard times will make the times of laughter and love SO much better.  It's okay to cry and it's okay to be mad. It's okay to drive so far with your radio blaring so loud you end up at the next state line!  It's okay to doubt yourself and mistakes made. IT'S OKAY! You have permission to be hurt.

My final thought, while yeah it sucks now, I appreciate this individual and will forever be grateful to him.  Why? Not because I'm sitting up with all these thoughts running through my head that I can't fully express, but because I learned to love again.  I thought after Colin, I'd always regret my choices, that I would never be able to actually move on.  But what this person did for me was teach me that yeah, it's all going to be just fine.  There's someone out there, and like I said in the New Year, I'm going to open my heart up to people, even if it means getting hurt. I guess that's the curse of being a Sagittarius!

While there is no way to say everything I'm feeling, (I don't think Webster himself could help me on this one) all I know, is the love I have to give and am willing to give...is priceless!

(Like any good blog, let's put a soundtrack to the mood!)

 Gary Allan can always say it best:

Because yeah, I will be that one (or so we all tell ourselves)

You don't know what you have, until it's not there anymore

And finally, in the end, we always find the strength to carry on:

The heart never lies

"A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes." Have you ever listened to the lyrics of that song? Well, if not, here, take a good listen:

Or what about this one from Mulan?

Okay, maybe that's enough of the Disney heart, but it makes you think a little bit, doesn't it? Why is it that messages, not just in Disney, keep telling us to follow our heart?

Here's my theory on the matter. You know that feeling you get that something just might not be quite right, or maybe you're REALLY excited for something?  Some say it's your gut, but I think if we sat down and analyzed what we're really feeling, I think we'd find that it's our heart guiding us.  It's so easy to lie to our brains, after all, it's our brain telling us something. We can convince our psychy of anything.  The one part of us however that never lies, is our heart.

A lot of people over think everything and that's the problem, is we're listening to the wrong organ (is the brain an organ? I dunno...that's why I'm an analyst and not a scientist I guess!) Maybe that's why I take the word "Love" so seriously.  Because that is the one emotion most humans relate to the heart.

I think what got me thinking about this, was a comment I added to a friend's photo, about how her photo made my heart happy not just ME happy.  Then I was thinking a couple weeks back when I was at a MAJOR low, how I kept saying "my heart is hurting!" The feelings I get from my heart are TRUE emotions and personally, I think I've been listening to it much more since I've gotten here.

Sometimes it might not be the best thing to let the heart rule.  When you put your heart into everything you do, you leave yourself open and vulnerable to be hurt.(Which, I'd like to remind y'all was one of my goals for the new year!) Sometimes having your brain overtake your heart is a defense mechanism, and it's okay! But never forget that, you can lie to your brain, but your heart will always tell you the truth!!


What kind of inspirational blog would this be without awesome quotes from famous?

“Follow your heart, but be quiet for a while first. Ask questions, then feel the answer. Learn to trust your heart.”

“I would rather have eyes that cannot see; ears that cannot hear; lips that cannot speak, than a heart that cannot love”

“Love is not written on paper, for paper can be erased. Nor is it etched on stone, for stone can be broken. But it is inscribed on a heart and there it shall remain forever.” 

“The heart has reasons that reason does not understand.”

“There are many things in life that will catch your eye, but only a few will catch your heart...pursue those.”

“My mind tells me to give up, but my heart won't let me.”   

and finally

“Wherever you go, go with all your heart.”  Confucius

Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

Steve Jobs

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/follow_your_heart.html#Tyt019vSfju13lcv.99

A journey into the soul

Today was one of those days where light bulbs kind of just clicked on, all day long.  I was fortunate enough today to spend my time with Tobi Titchener, a medium here in Colorado.  As you all are very aware, I've been having a difficult time the last couple months and I needed some guidance.

I'm sitting here on my couch writing this, trying to think of how I could possibly describe what happened today, or the feelings that came through.  So I'm going to do my best to share with you what came through and just how it felt.

First thing that was mentioned was my chakras. If you don't know what a chakra is, here is an official definition:
"According to Tantric tradition, everyone has seven energy centers that serve as junction points between the body and consciousness, or between matter and the mind. These spinning vortices, called chakras in Sanskrit, receive, assimilate and express our vital life energy. When the flow of energy in one or more of the chakras becomes blocked, we may develop physical and mental illnesses. The ancient seers perceived the chakra system as a column of energy centers that extends from the base of the spine to the top of the head. The location of each chakra loosely corresponds to an area of the body’s anatomy and is associated with a specific color."

Pretty much, your open chakra help define who you are and what you're meant to do.  I fortunatly have two open...green, which is the heart, and blue, which is the throat.  Again, here are the official definitions:

Fifth Chakra, Vishuddha (blue) This energy center is localized in the throat area and relates to communication and self-expression . . . the ability to voice our dreams. When our center of communication is clear, we’re able to express our truth without worrying about what others may think.

and...

Fourth Chakra: Anahata (green) This energy center is sometimes referred to as the "heart chakra” because it resonates in the heart and relates to compassion and love. When the fourth chakra is flowing and open, we feel deeply connected to everyone in our life. 

 With these two being open, I'm opening myself to love, friendship and also being hurt. I open my heart, and with my strong communication skills,  I'm meant to teach.  I wish I could talk about how that's fitting PERFECTLY with my Army career right now, but unfortunately I'd have to kill you if I told you! 

The next thing that was talked about was my lack of conclusion with Colin.  He has SO many demons and has such a dark soul, it was grabbing onto my light. He was an anchor weighing me down and while I was trying to help him and pull him up, all he did was drag me down. What I have to do is learn to forgive myself for not being able to pull him up. He was a hopeless cause and there's no way for me to help. It's time to move on and allow myself to realize he was beyond hope.

I got messages from all three of my grandparents.  My Nana, like she was in life, came barging through with a hot dish to offer! All three of them stated how proud they were of me.  For, in 6 months, changing EVERYTHING about my life. New career, new marital status, new city. With these changes, she also mentioned how many amazing people I have in my corner!! People who will always have my back, here and at home.  A big part of that due to my heart chakra being wide open!

There were so many things that happened that I can't possibly describe. To the people who believe, I don't need to say much, to the people who don't, no amount of description, video, audio, you name it, will convince you. There was something special in that room today and I felt it.  

 I didn't go see her because I wanted to know the future or find out lottery numbers.  What I wanted to learn was that, the feelings I have, the chills I get,  the signs I see, aren't just in my mind.  I needed to know the path I've decided to take is still the right one. After today, I know it is and I know I'm gonna be a success. I'm supposed to be here, right now. There's going to be a couple more hard months, but once Spring comes around, things should start looking up.

 P.S. Spirit saw me getting married again....just because I know that's what you all REALLY want to know! :)

And the beat goes on.

I know, this is two days in a row that I'm writing, but these last few days have been days of a lot of self-relization, a lot of pondering life, and really refocusing my efforts on what's important.

When I began this blog about three years ago now, my ultimate goal was to join the Army,  lose the weight and get in.  Well that happened, and since I've been here in Colorado, I've been missing something big, I've been missing having a goal!  My focus has been SO much on forgetting Colin, that I've forgotten about myself!

This morning I was cruising Facebook and found a picture of me, my senior year of college. Wow. I was 266 pounds and so unhealthy. With how far I've  come I thought about that John Wooden quote "life's not about the destination, but about the journey."  Well, my journey was the Army. It wasn't always easy but I got in.  My journey ended....or did it?

NOPE! I realized it has just begun! This new path I'm on is going to involve a lot more than simply one goal.  My new destination, is to be happy.  A big part of that is refocusing on my health.  When I eat right, when I workout, and when I focus on me, and not the world around me, I'm content with life!

After finding my picture, I went out and bought myself a new pair of running shoes (it's been over a year.)  When I got home, I found my running pants, my "Get Lucky 7k" running sweatshirt and put my feet to the pavement!! I didn't go far, maybe a couple miles, but I went. And after all "a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step!" (I know, I'm full of the best quotes...)

So this is the start of another journey. Another life...one that focus' on me and my happiness. One where I'll thrive for me, succeed for me, love for me, and really starting to live life to simply be happy. What happens tomorrow will happen, and I can't control it. 

I'm starting to realize life goes on after heartbreak. Not only does it go on, it gets better, much better. I get to wake up tomorrow and live this life all over again, and I'm going to do it as if Monday's not gonna come!