Let me compare these feelings to a certain cultural reference. You know those commercials that are like "Pens, 4 dollars. Notebook, 2dollars. Words to say everything you feel, priceless!" Well, that's how this particular blog is going to go. Somehow, I'm going to express my unexpressable words!
Today, I'm feeling betrayed. I'm feeling hurt. I'm feeling heart broken. Have you ever opened up to anyone, left yourself vulnerable? So open in fact, that with merely a few words, you feel like the world is crashing down around you!? Okay, so maybe that's a little dramatic but it does hurts bad.
What I guess I'm trying to get at is, in the last 24 hours, I've been rejected by someone who I thought cared, loved even. A someone who I opened myself up to, only to get torn down pretty hard. With all the crap I went through with Colin, the constant rejection, the lack of time, the words that can never be taken back, I thought I was ready to go again. Good as gold. I left my heart open because I thought it would help it heal. I was wrong. I opened my heart only for it to get hurt all over again.
However,(here's the part I like and the part I hope you focus on) like every situation I go through in life, I use it as a learning tool. Here's what I learned with this. While right now, it hurts, and it hurts a lot, you know what? Life will go on. And it will go on tomorrow and the next day, and even the next day. The pain will be there, and I'll be reminded constantly of it, however, eventually it will subside.
Not everyone is made for us, no matter how bad we may want them to be. I deserve the best person for me. I DESERVE someone who isn't going to put me in fourth, third or even second place. I want someone who is capable of returning all the love I have to give. Not just when it's easy, but when I'm sick in bed and ugly as a dog on a hot July afternoon. Someone who I can laugh with, go on adventures with and experience life on the SAME path, not parallel roads.
I learned from this experience is that it's okay to open your heart, but it's also okay to be hurt. Life can't always be a bed of a roses. Sometimes going through the hard times will make the times of laughter and love SO much better. It's okay to cry and it's okay to be mad. It's okay to drive so far with your radio blaring so loud you end up at the next state line! It's okay to doubt yourself and mistakes made. IT'S OKAY! You have permission to be hurt.
My final thought, while yeah it sucks now, I appreciate this individual and will forever be grateful to him. Why? Not because I'm sitting up with all these thoughts running through my head that I can't fully express, but because I learned to love again. I thought after Colin, I'd always regret my choices, that I would never be able to actually move on. But what this person did for me was teach me that yeah, it's all going to be just fine. There's someone out there, and like I said in the New Year, I'm going to open my heart up to people, even if it means getting hurt. I guess that's the curse of being a Sagittarius!
While there is no way to say everything I'm feeling, (I don't think Webster himself could help me on this one) all I know, is the love I have to give and am willing to give...is priceless!
(Like any good blog, let's put a soundtrack to the mood!)
Gary Allan can always say it best:
Because yeah, I will be that one (or so we all tell ourselves)
You don't know what you have, until it's not there anymore
And finally, in the end, we always find the strength to carry on:
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