Through this whole process of divorce, moving away from home, my family and friends, and starting a whole new life, I never thought it would be quite this hard. For the first time this week, eh..maybe the last two weeks, the reality of what life is becoming has hit. Friday, I couldn't stop crying, and the world seemed like it was just crumbling!
For the first time I finally grieved. It wasn't because of losing Colin, honestly, I'm not upset about losing him at all. What I'm upset about is losing what there was, or what I thought there was. Losing love can be just as bad as a death. (Yeah, I read the pamphlets) Grieving can be the event of going through any traumatic event.
I know, you all know all that. Anyone who's watched any episode of Oprah knows we can grieve anything really. Here's the part I realized for myself however. Until I completely and fully grieve, I'm talking full out, Ben and Jerry's, chick flick bawling, mall shopping, hair doing, spa day, Olivia Newton John listening, type day, I'm not going to be able to fully move on. I feel like I'm holding SO much inside that people are constantly wondering what's wrong with me, or what's on my mind?
So here's what's on my mind...
I'm pissed that Colin decided to cheat on me. Because of that, I really don't trust anyone. I'm constantly suspicious of texts, and calls and anything else that could be the "signs of cheating." (By the way, don't read those articles...they just make the mind games even worse!) I'm mad that because of him, the next few months of my life, financially, are going to be probably the hardest yet. I'm mad I wasted 10 years of my life when I may have found something so much better! I hate that I'm totally jaded because of the way he treated me and my family. I hate that he had no respect for me, which in turn made me think that I didn't deserve the respect. I hate that I'm having to re-learn how to live.
I realized I went through the 7 stages of grief backwards. I started with being totally okay with it. I thought I'd be better off alone, happier, no worries in life! When I realized what was happening, it was time to start putting things back together (step 6- working through) I then took a turn for not the best. (step 5- the upward turn..backwards!) I started getting depressed, feeling lonely here in Colorado, looking back at all the things that went wrong on both sides (step 4- depression, reflection loneliness) and now I feel like I'm going between step 3 (anger) and step 2 (pain and guilt) Again, the guilt is not leaving Colin, the guilt is more the pain I'm putting on people here in Colorado. There's people I genuinely care about here, but the fact that I can't let go, are hurting them, and if it hasn't, it will.
So, I have to allow myself to grieve, so I can go back up those 7 stages, for my sake especially. Until I allow myself to let these feelings go, it's going to be hard to allow anyone else in. I'd say it's time for some Chunky Munkey!
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Regrets
"Make the most of your regrets; never smother your sorrow, but tend and cherish it till it comes to have a separate and integral interest. To regret deeply is to live afresh." Henry David Thoreau
For the last, I'd say, five or six years of my life, I've been trying to live my life with no regrets. A "what's done is done" type attitude. Something clicked tonight though, something saying "holy s**t Cara, why on Earth didn't you do that?" Or "why on Earth didn't you tell so and so this!" I try to live with no regrets, but I admit it, there are a few things in life I DO wonder and wish I could change.
I think my top regret in life is never sitting down with my grandpa (who died when I was about one) or my Poppop (who passed when I was in 5th grade) and really learning their life lessons. Not to sound cliche, but I feel like, whenever you hear a country song about life's lessons, it's usually learned from a grandfather of some sort. Sure, I learn some of the things they both taught my parents, but it's not the same as getting to that age, they hand you your first beer and say "let's have a talk!" I want to know how my Poppop worked two jobs, went to school full time and raised a family. I want to know what kept my grandpa's will going when he was working the beat in Minneapolis. I want to know what it was like in WWII to miss home SO bad, and not be able to skype, call, even write at times. I want to know how they loved their families so deeply until their last day. These are things I won't ever know, well, not in this world at least.
My next regret, is I have never learned to be vulnerable. I feel like since I've been young I've had to be tough. Did you know, I didn't cry at my poppop's funeral, my nana's funeral, or my wedding. The first two, maybe I was just too young to understand at that point. But at a wedding, MY wedding, most people shed tears of joy. By not allowing myself that vulnerability, not only did I GET to miss expressing my heartache at the passing of my grandparents (which, just because I didn't show emotion didn't mean a part of me didn't that day with them), but I missed the JOY, the tears of joy, the ones you see and you say "wow, that person is SO happy!" How awful is that? I do my best not to show sorrow, but while working so hard at that, I've taken away being able to fully show happiness and love to everyone around me.
Another regret is that I didn't learn to speak up for myself and others until very recently. I look back at high school. There were a lot of jack asses, I'm not gonna lie. This last year I've been growing as a person. Learning what I need in life, and going after it. I've also been learning to be a better friend (and I'm going to continue to work on this every day!) In this upcoming year, I want to learn to be the best soldier I can be, which means taking care of my battle buddies. I want to be the one who goes into battle with any one of them, knowing I've always got their 6. To stand up for the ones who won't stand up for themselves. I want to be that soldier who others know, will not only get the job done, but knows that I will always be in their corner.
Finally, I regret not learning to be on my own until much later in life. Not only being on my own, but living my life the way I know I should have been living it. I've depended on people for so long, for support emotionally, physically, financially, you name it. I was living my life to please others. I'm still just trying to figure out what I want and what I need in life. It's a whole other leg of this journey, and one that I'm excited to take.
So, life will be filled with regrets. It's how you use them that matters. The adventure is in the attempt. Embrace possibility. Sometimes you'll fail, sometimes you'll succeed. Sometimes you're going to mess up and you're going to say "why didn't it...." No more what if's. It's time to learn new lessons, embrace old experiences and always be building new memories, because someday, you're going to give your grandchild that first beer and say "let's have a chat...."
For the last, I'd say, five or six years of my life, I've been trying to live my life with no regrets. A "what's done is done" type attitude. Something clicked tonight though, something saying "holy s**t Cara, why on Earth didn't you do that?" Or "why on Earth didn't you tell so and so this!" I try to live with no regrets, but I admit it, there are a few things in life I DO wonder and wish I could change.
I think my top regret in life is never sitting down with my grandpa (who died when I was about one) or my Poppop (who passed when I was in 5th grade) and really learning their life lessons. Not to sound cliche, but I feel like, whenever you hear a country song about life's lessons, it's usually learned from a grandfather of some sort. Sure, I learn some of the things they both taught my parents, but it's not the same as getting to that age, they hand you your first beer and say "let's have a talk!" I want to know how my Poppop worked two jobs, went to school full time and raised a family. I want to know what kept my grandpa's will going when he was working the beat in Minneapolis. I want to know what it was like in WWII to miss home SO bad, and not be able to skype, call, even write at times. I want to know how they loved their families so deeply until their last day. These are things I won't ever know, well, not in this world at least.
My next regret, is I have never learned to be vulnerable. I feel like since I've been young I've had to be tough. Did you know, I didn't cry at my poppop's funeral, my nana's funeral, or my wedding. The first two, maybe I was just too young to understand at that point. But at a wedding, MY wedding, most people shed tears of joy. By not allowing myself that vulnerability, not only did I GET to miss expressing my heartache at the passing of my grandparents (which, just because I didn't show emotion didn't mean a part of me didn't that day with them), but I missed the JOY, the tears of joy, the ones you see and you say "wow, that person is SO happy!" How awful is that? I do my best not to show sorrow, but while working so hard at that, I've taken away being able to fully show happiness and love to everyone around me.
Another regret is that I didn't learn to speak up for myself and others until very recently. I look back at high school. There were a lot of jack asses, I'm not gonna lie. This last year I've been growing as a person. Learning what I need in life, and going after it. I've also been learning to be a better friend (and I'm going to continue to work on this every day!) In this upcoming year, I want to learn to be the best soldier I can be, which means taking care of my battle buddies. I want to be the one who goes into battle with any one of them, knowing I've always got their 6. To stand up for the ones who won't stand up for themselves. I want to be that soldier who others know, will not only get the job done, but knows that I will always be in their corner.
Finally, I regret not learning to be on my own until much later in life. Not only being on my own, but living my life the way I know I should have been living it. I've depended on people for so long, for support emotionally, physically, financially, you name it. I was living my life to please others. I'm still just trying to figure out what I want and what I need in life. It's a whole other leg of this journey, and one that I'm excited to take.
So, life will be filled with regrets. It's how you use them that matters. The adventure is in the attempt. Embrace possibility. Sometimes you'll fail, sometimes you'll succeed. Sometimes you're going to mess up and you're going to say "why didn't it...." No more what if's. It's time to learn new lessons, embrace old experiences and always be building new memories, because someday, you're going to give your grandchild that first beer and say "let's have a chat...."
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Promises to 2014
This time of year, you turn on the radio or the TV or go into any store and you see "Top ___ of 2013!" Whether it's songs, movies, new gadgets, etc. You'll also see a lot of "here's what I learned this year..." type things. And I won't lie, I was going to do one of those, I even had it all written out. Then I realized that while a lot of changes happened this year, and I learned A LOT about myself, part of the exciting part about new years is getting to start brand new!
A pet peeve of mine is New Years resolutions. Okay, not really pet peeve, but my wish is that more people would follow through with them. So rather than making a New Years resolution, I'm going to make promises for myself. I'm the type of person that, when I make a promise, I will not break it (at least do everything in my physical power to never break it!)
So here are the promises to me for 2014:
1. Like the typical, I'm gonna get my butt back in shape. Since I've joined the Army, I've fallen way out of shape from what I used to be. I actually enjoy going to the gym, being social with everyone and yeah, I even enjoy the sweat! I'm not saying I'm going to become obsessed, but it will be a large part of my life again.
2. I'm going to pay much more attention to my dog! I think since he's moved here to Colorado he's been lonely, so I'm going to take much more time to take him to the park, toss that tennis ball around, and make sure he is the most spoiled pup in Colorado.
3. I'm going to allow myself to get hurt. I have a knack of putting up walls, keeping people at arms length and really not let anyone know who I am. All because I know if I let someone in, I'm giving someone else the authority over my heart. However, I'm gonna take that chance this year, see what happens!
4. Expand on my hiking hobby. I'm going to expand it to longer hikes, maybe even stopping to camp! Discover lots of new parts of Colorado, the rockies and really get into it.
5. Finally, embrace the big 3-0!! This year I'll officially be out of my 20s and in Army years, that's pretty much ancient and you might as well just quit life. Okay, not quite that extreme, but working with 18, 19 and 20 year olds, makes you feel older at times. However, I'm not gonna let that stop me! I'm going to take advantage of the age, become more wise, more physically fit and find out all about yours truly!!
So, my list isn't that long, and it's things I've been working on. But, now that I'm out of training, my one year in the Army is coming up soon, I have no one but me and Tony to take care of, so now is the ultimate time. I think 2014 is going to be an exciting year, and a major reset button! Another leg of this crazy journey we call life!
May you find all the happiness in the world, may your dreams come true, and always remember to kick ass, in 2014!!
A pet peeve of mine is New Years resolutions. Okay, not really pet peeve, but my wish is that more people would follow through with them. So rather than making a New Years resolution, I'm going to make promises for myself. I'm the type of person that, when I make a promise, I will not break it (at least do everything in my physical power to never break it!)
So here are the promises to me for 2014:
1. Like the typical, I'm gonna get my butt back in shape. Since I've joined the Army, I've fallen way out of shape from what I used to be. I actually enjoy going to the gym, being social with everyone and yeah, I even enjoy the sweat! I'm not saying I'm going to become obsessed, but it will be a large part of my life again.
2. I'm going to pay much more attention to my dog! I think since he's moved here to Colorado he's been lonely, so I'm going to take much more time to take him to the park, toss that tennis ball around, and make sure he is the most spoiled pup in Colorado.
3. I'm going to allow myself to get hurt. I have a knack of putting up walls, keeping people at arms length and really not let anyone know who I am. All because I know if I let someone in, I'm giving someone else the authority over my heart. However, I'm gonna take that chance this year, see what happens!
4. Expand on my hiking hobby. I'm going to expand it to longer hikes, maybe even stopping to camp! Discover lots of new parts of Colorado, the rockies and really get into it.
5. Finally, embrace the big 3-0!! This year I'll officially be out of my 20s and in Army years, that's pretty much ancient and you might as well just quit life. Okay, not quite that extreme, but working with 18, 19 and 20 year olds, makes you feel older at times. However, I'm not gonna let that stop me! I'm going to take advantage of the age, become more wise, more physically fit and find out all about yours truly!!
So, my list isn't that long, and it's things I've been working on. But, now that I'm out of training, my one year in the Army is coming up soon, I have no one but me and Tony to take care of, so now is the ultimate time. I think 2014 is going to be an exciting year, and a major reset button! Another leg of this crazy journey we call life!
May you find all the happiness in the world, may your dreams come true, and always remember to kick ass, in 2014!!
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Therapy with a punching bag
When I started this journey nearly five years ago now, one of my favorite parts about it was two or three times a week, I got a free therapy session with Norman. I got to vent, complain and talk out any issues I was having. It was so wonderful. Then, I got here to Colorado and I realized I really have no one to vent to while pushing iron.
After a couple days of PURE frustration, anger, stomach knots and anything else negative, I got back to my punching bag today...it felt wonderful! One of my favorite parts about it, is putting my ear phones in, blocking out the world and letting all my frustrations out. The people who are pissing me off, the events that are causing anguish and even letting a few tears out that really need to fall.
You might be thinking that punching a bag like that, to cause SO much emotion, is silly. And to some it might be, but to me, it's my therapy. It's the time I get to really focus on what is bothering me, and really letting me let my emotions out.
While this was merely one session out of what will be many, here were my lessons learned for the day:
1. I deserve someone who is going to care about me, as much as I care about them. Not because I'm the prettiest or the fastest or the richest, but because I promise you, there is NO ONE who cares more about those she loves than I do. For my family, I would do anything. For my friends whom I love (and I do not use the "L" word unless I REALLY mean it!) I would do anything. Whoever gets stuck with this old lady is going to be one lucky son-of-a-monkey's uncle! HOWEVER, the second part of this....I have to learn to really believe it. It's one thing to say, or even have others tell you, but to truly convince myself of it, is going to take a bit more time and a few more right hooks.
2. I am most happy when I get to help other people. Maybe that's why I love sending care packages, or why I had never been as happy as I was when we did that charity ruck march. It might sound silly, but I get SO much joy in making people smile. I'm in the process of looking for a place to volunteer. Not just a one and done type thing, but a place where I can get to know the people I'm helping! So many times the ones who need the most help are easily looked over...but you just never know who may simply need a smile.
3. I hate liars. I know, that's really a "duh" kind of statement, but we all have those people who we KNOW are playing us, day in and day out, but for SOME reason, they have that hold on us. Whether it's a significant other, or a friend or a boss, but there's SOMETHING about them that we can't just walk away from. Getting the courage to say goodbye to these people will be a challenge, especially being I'm still getting to know the area, and the people, but the toxic atmosphere is so much more harmful than helpful. Time to focus on the people who bring positive energies!
4. This divorce is going to take more time for healing than I thought. I thought it would be easy to say "good bye" to a life I knew for a very long time, but DAMN my emotions are everywhere. Maybe it's the holidays coming up, but it's been a particularly hard time going through this transition solo. Sometimes I even question if I did the right thing. Should I have said goodbye? I know in both my mind and heart that I did the right thing, but still, sometimes it's hard not to ask the "what if..."
I think four things in an hour was a decent session, and I must say, it's a lot less than what a therapist costs! I got nothing solved, however I brought some of my biggest issues to the forefront, which is the hardest part of the battle. Now, with each of my sessions, I get to fix my problems, well, do the best I possibly can!
After a couple days of PURE frustration, anger, stomach knots and anything else negative, I got back to my punching bag today...it felt wonderful! One of my favorite parts about it, is putting my ear phones in, blocking out the world and letting all my frustrations out. The people who are pissing me off, the events that are causing anguish and even letting a few tears out that really need to fall.
You might be thinking that punching a bag like that, to cause SO much emotion, is silly. And to some it might be, but to me, it's my therapy. It's the time I get to really focus on what is bothering me, and really letting me let my emotions out.
While this was merely one session out of what will be many, here were my lessons learned for the day:
1. I deserve someone who is going to care about me, as much as I care about them. Not because I'm the prettiest or the fastest or the richest, but because I promise you, there is NO ONE who cares more about those she loves than I do. For my family, I would do anything. For my friends whom I love (and I do not use the "L" word unless I REALLY mean it!) I would do anything. Whoever gets stuck with this old lady is going to be one lucky son-of-a-monkey's uncle! HOWEVER, the second part of this....I have to learn to really believe it. It's one thing to say, or even have others tell you, but to truly convince myself of it, is going to take a bit more time and a few more right hooks.
2. I am most happy when I get to help other people. Maybe that's why I love sending care packages, or why I had never been as happy as I was when we did that charity ruck march. It might sound silly, but I get SO much joy in making people smile. I'm in the process of looking for a place to volunteer. Not just a one and done type thing, but a place where I can get to know the people I'm helping! So many times the ones who need the most help are easily looked over...but you just never know who may simply need a smile.
3. I hate liars. I know, that's really a "duh" kind of statement, but we all have those people who we KNOW are playing us, day in and day out, but for SOME reason, they have that hold on us. Whether it's a significant other, or a friend or a boss, but there's SOMETHING about them that we can't just walk away from. Getting the courage to say goodbye to these people will be a challenge, especially being I'm still getting to know the area, and the people, but the toxic atmosphere is so much more harmful than helpful. Time to focus on the people who bring positive energies!
4. This divorce is going to take more time for healing than I thought. I thought it would be easy to say "good bye" to a life I knew for a very long time, but DAMN my emotions are everywhere. Maybe it's the holidays coming up, but it's been a particularly hard time going through this transition solo. Sometimes I even question if I did the right thing. Should I have said goodbye? I know in both my mind and heart that I did the right thing, but still, sometimes it's hard not to ask the "what if..."
I think four things in an hour was a decent session, and I must say, it's a lot less than what a therapist costs! I got nothing solved, however I brought some of my biggest issues to the forefront, which is the hardest part of the battle. Now, with each of my sessions, I get to fix my problems, well, do the best I possibly can!
Monday, November 25, 2013
Conversations with a higher power
Whether you believe in a higher being or not, sometimes there are some things that happen that you just can't explain. I love that show "Long Island Medium" I admit it. I'm also a complete believer in mediums and that there are some people who are able to communicate with the other side. One of the things she said on the show that stuck with me is that our loved ones on the other side are constantly trying to find ways to show us they're around. One of the ways in which they do that is through our electronics. They'll flicker lights, cause weird sounds, all the way up to having certain songs come up that reminds you of them. Being that I was so close to my Poppop, I am always looking for ways to reconfirm that he's always here with me.
Today is no exception. When I woke up, I had that "Cups" song stuck in my head...ya know that one from that "Pitch Perfect" movie? It's a catchy tune! I got my breakfast ready, like I do everyday. I make my egg whites, sit on my couch and catch up on my gossip TV...aka Good Morning America. Being completely uninterested, I flipped through the channels. Hitting HBO, "Pitch Perfect" was on. I was like, whoa! So, I flipped it on, and it was the audition scene where she sang it. "Well that was weird" I thought to myself, and went along my merry way.
I begin driving to work, the song still stuck in my head, after all it is QUITE catchy, and I'm listening to my country music. In the mood to flip, I turn to another channel and what song comes on, but "Cups!" WHAT THE HECK!? Okay, just too weird. I had a chuckle thinking...this must be a crazy coincidence.
Several hours later, I get my dinner break. I'm on my 24 hour shift so my breaks are in no way calculated. I go home, watch a little TV, take the dog out to go to the bathroom, shut everything down and hustle back into the car because, well, it's darn cold out. I turn my car on, again to my country station. Something in me told me to turn the station once more, so I did. I'll give you one guess as to what song came on the radio....yes..."CUPS!"
Now, I like anyone like to be skeptical (okay not really!) but I wake up with this happy song in my head, the movie begins to play, and then I hear it TWO more times through the day?? The last time it came on was just way too weird for me. At that point I had to stop and have a conversation with whomever was listening. I don't know if it's my Poppop or someone else, but all I know is there is a pot beginning to stir up there. Things are quickly falling into place and life's puzzle is coming together. Sure, there are a quite few missing pieces still, but those will come with time...after all, I have at least another 80 years to get into some trouble and put it all together.
So, always remember, no matter HOW you may be feeling, you're never alone. And no matter what is happening, just talk. You may feel like you're talking to yourself, but I promise you, you're not. You don't have to be religious, you don't have to be spiritual, but there are way too many "coincidences" in life to be coincidental. Take some time, sit down to examine your life. Begin to take notice at the signs your loved ones might be shooting your way. It's not an accident. Just stop and have a conversation....
Today is no exception. When I woke up, I had that "Cups" song stuck in my head...ya know that one from that "Pitch Perfect" movie? It's a catchy tune! I got my breakfast ready, like I do everyday. I make my egg whites, sit on my couch and catch up on my gossip TV...aka Good Morning America. Being completely uninterested, I flipped through the channels. Hitting HBO, "Pitch Perfect" was on. I was like, whoa! So, I flipped it on, and it was the audition scene where she sang it. "Well that was weird" I thought to myself, and went along my merry way.
I begin driving to work, the song still stuck in my head, after all it is QUITE catchy, and I'm listening to my country music. In the mood to flip, I turn to another channel and what song comes on, but "Cups!" WHAT THE HECK!? Okay, just too weird. I had a chuckle thinking...this must be a crazy coincidence.
Several hours later, I get my dinner break. I'm on my 24 hour shift so my breaks are in no way calculated. I go home, watch a little TV, take the dog out to go to the bathroom, shut everything down and hustle back into the car because, well, it's darn cold out. I turn my car on, again to my country station. Something in me told me to turn the station once more, so I did. I'll give you one guess as to what song came on the radio....yes..."CUPS!"
Now, I like anyone like to be skeptical (okay not really!) but I wake up with this happy song in my head, the movie begins to play, and then I hear it TWO more times through the day?? The last time it came on was just way too weird for me. At that point I had to stop and have a conversation with whomever was listening. I don't know if it's my Poppop or someone else, but all I know is there is a pot beginning to stir up there. Things are quickly falling into place and life's puzzle is coming together. Sure, there are a quite few missing pieces still, but those will come with time...after all, I have at least another 80 years to get into some trouble and put it all together.
So, always remember, no matter HOW you may be feeling, you're never alone. And no matter what is happening, just talk. You may feel like you're talking to yourself, but I promise you, you're not. You don't have to be religious, you don't have to be spiritual, but there are way too many "coincidences" in life to be coincidental. Take some time, sit down to examine your life. Begin to take notice at the signs your loved ones might be shooting your way. It's not an accident. Just stop and have a conversation....
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Life's Lessons
I'm coming up on my 29th year on this Earth. While some say I'm still young, and if you count my rings I am, however, for those who know me, know I have an "old soul." I am all about the old fashioned things in life. I love a picnic in the park, a drive into the country, star gazing, long conversations and the simple things, away from technology with friends or loved ones. The other thing I appreciate is sound advice. I'm getting to the age where I get to dish it, and because I'm "old" it sounds pretty wise.
In my short few years on this Earth, however my many experiences, here are some of the lessons I've learned that I like to take to heart when it comes to work, fitness, friendship and love:
1. Don't die wondering. If there's something that means the world to you and you let it slip through your fingers, you're doing something wrong. There's a lot of things that we can say "what if" about, but don't let something you love escape. Whether it's a job opportunity or a person, don't give that "wonder" a chance.
2. When one door closes, it's shut! So, why do we keep trying to go back to something that failed? There's a reason it failed. However, that doesn't mean another opportunity won't come from that slammed door. For about 10 years I went in circles, constantly trying to go back through that shut door thinking, maybe this time through, things will be different. Finally, I realized it never would happen. When I walked away, and kept walking, not only did I find a window, I found a window of a million opportunities!
3. You're not that important, what you DO is what counts. As an individual I'm nothing. I know this. However, how I live I life, how I respect people, how I work hard at my job, and how I love with all my heart, THAT is what people will remember when I die. You can make the arguments that those actions ARE me, but are they? If I stopped doing what I do, what would people remember? Not me, but what I did.
4. Everything matters, but nothing matters that much. These last few months have been riddle with headaches, heartaches, money issues, friend issues, you name it, and it's probably been a problem. What I've discovered is...are you ready for this? No matter how bad things may seem, the sun comes up the next day, I get to start over (sometimes for good, sometimes for bad) No matter what happens, I have people in my corner, both here on Earth and somewhere else in the cosmos, pulling me up. Yeah, it's a problem not being able to put gas in my car two days before pay day. However, I have a car, and worst case, I get extra exercise.
5. You always have more options than you think you have. Have you ever done those corn mazes, when you get stuck at a dead end and there seems to be nothing? Well, you can turn around, or you can cut through the middle! Why not? Options are never black and white, and many times aren't easy. But there's always more than you think there are.
6. One’s only ambition in life should be to be happy. Nothing else matters. If you're not happy what's the point in living? Make what you do fun, and have fun with what you do. It's pretty simple. Be happy. Life is WAY too short to not be.
7. Take criticism constructively, not personally and see it as an opportunity to improve yourself. Day after day I get lectured as to what I'm doing wrong. It can get tiring, but if I take what is said to heart, I have the chance to become an even better version of what I am. Don't take it personally, just fix it!
8. Face my fear. Holy crap, it's the hardest thing to do. I've seen this happen though to people who never thought they could accomplish certain tasks. Basic training, I had a battle who was TERRIFIED of heights and we had the tower coming up. It took a lot of talking, a lot of coaching and A LOT Of cheering, but in the end, she did it. The pride she had after, I WAS excited for her. Many times it's not a physical fear, rather emotional. I spent 10 years with the same person, and when I realized it was wrong, I had to say goodbye. I've never really been alone or on my own, in my life! I was terrified. I've never been away from home much, never said a final goodbye to anyone. Now, I moved a few states away from everything I've ever known. Where I was comfortable. But I faced my fear, packed my car, and left. There are still some days where I wonder if I made the right decision, but I know that someday I won't be alone, but I'm no longer afraid to be.
9. If you're not making mistakes you're doing something wrong. Oh my gosh, I must be doing EVERYTHING right then. I make SOO many mistakes. I open my mouth when I shouldn't, I do things I REALLY shouldn't, but I learn. Everyday. Okay., if you're not making mistakes and NOT learning from them, then yeah, you're still doing something wrong! So learn from it all.
10. Finally, live everyday like it's your last. Cliché, maybe, but SO true. Tell people how you feel, and don't waste time with people you don't like. This is a hard one. However I think one of the most important. There have been times when I'll get home and I'll say to myself "why did I just spend two hours with someone I really don't like?" I could have been spending even just ONE hour with someone who makes me happy. A lot of times there are circumstances, like distance, that deters you from getting to be with who you really want to be with. In that case, go on an adventure! Discover a new place. Find a new "thinking" spot, contemplate the world and solve all the issues!! Whatever you do, when your head hits that pillow at night, be able to tell yourself that you did everything in your power to make your life better. Let yourself smile, and let yourself be happy!
There are SO many things that I've learned in these 29 years on Earth. To sum it up, the most important thing...be happy! Life isn't anything if you can't smile...so, the last piece of advice... whatever your goals, whatever makes you happy... "JUST DO IT!"
In my short few years on this Earth, however my many experiences, here are some of the lessons I've learned that I like to take to heart when it comes to work, fitness, friendship and love:
1. Don't die wondering. If there's something that means the world to you and you let it slip through your fingers, you're doing something wrong. There's a lot of things that we can say "what if" about, but don't let something you love escape. Whether it's a job opportunity or a person, don't give that "wonder" a chance.
2. When one door closes, it's shut! So, why do we keep trying to go back to something that failed? There's a reason it failed. However, that doesn't mean another opportunity won't come from that slammed door. For about 10 years I went in circles, constantly trying to go back through that shut door thinking, maybe this time through, things will be different. Finally, I realized it never would happen. When I walked away, and kept walking, not only did I find a window, I found a window of a million opportunities!
3. You're not that important, what you DO is what counts. As an individual I'm nothing. I know this. However, how I live I life, how I respect people, how I work hard at my job, and how I love with all my heart, THAT is what people will remember when I die. You can make the arguments that those actions ARE me, but are they? If I stopped doing what I do, what would people remember? Not me, but what I did.
4. Everything matters, but nothing matters that much. These last few months have been riddle with headaches, heartaches, money issues, friend issues, you name it, and it's probably been a problem. What I've discovered is...are you ready for this? No matter how bad things may seem, the sun comes up the next day, I get to start over (sometimes for good, sometimes for bad) No matter what happens, I have people in my corner, both here on Earth and somewhere else in the cosmos, pulling me up. Yeah, it's a problem not being able to put gas in my car two days before pay day. However, I have a car, and worst case, I get extra exercise.
5. You always have more options than you think you have. Have you ever done those corn mazes, when you get stuck at a dead end and there seems to be nothing? Well, you can turn around, or you can cut through the middle! Why not? Options are never black and white, and many times aren't easy. But there's always more than you think there are.
6. One’s only ambition in life should be to be happy. Nothing else matters. If you're not happy what's the point in living? Make what you do fun, and have fun with what you do. It's pretty simple. Be happy. Life is WAY too short to not be.
7. Take criticism constructively, not personally and see it as an opportunity to improve yourself. Day after day I get lectured as to what I'm doing wrong. It can get tiring, but if I take what is said to heart, I have the chance to become an even better version of what I am. Don't take it personally, just fix it!
8. Face my fear. Holy crap, it's the hardest thing to do. I've seen this happen though to people who never thought they could accomplish certain tasks. Basic training, I had a battle who was TERRIFIED of heights and we had the tower coming up. It took a lot of talking, a lot of coaching and A LOT Of cheering, but in the end, she did it. The pride she had after, I WAS excited for her. Many times it's not a physical fear, rather emotional. I spent 10 years with the same person, and when I realized it was wrong, I had to say goodbye. I've never really been alone or on my own, in my life! I was terrified. I've never been away from home much, never said a final goodbye to anyone. Now, I moved a few states away from everything I've ever known. Where I was comfortable. But I faced my fear, packed my car, and left. There are still some days where I wonder if I made the right decision, but I know that someday I won't be alone, but I'm no longer afraid to be.
9. If you're not making mistakes you're doing something wrong. Oh my gosh, I must be doing EVERYTHING right then. I make SOO many mistakes. I open my mouth when I shouldn't, I do things I REALLY shouldn't, but I learn. Everyday. Okay., if you're not making mistakes and NOT learning from them, then yeah, you're still doing something wrong! So learn from it all.
10. Finally, live everyday like it's your last. Cliché, maybe, but SO true. Tell people how you feel, and don't waste time with people you don't like. This is a hard one. However I think one of the most important. There have been times when I'll get home and I'll say to myself "why did I just spend two hours with someone I really don't like?" I could have been spending even just ONE hour with someone who makes me happy. A lot of times there are circumstances, like distance, that deters you from getting to be with who you really want to be with. In that case, go on an adventure! Discover a new place. Find a new "thinking" spot, contemplate the world and solve all the issues!! Whatever you do, when your head hits that pillow at night, be able to tell yourself that you did everything in your power to make your life better. Let yourself smile, and let yourself be happy!
There are SO many things that I've learned in these 29 years on Earth. To sum it up, the most important thing...be happy! Life isn't anything if you can't smile...so, the last piece of advice... whatever your goals, whatever makes you happy... "JUST DO IT!"
Monday, October 28, 2013
Living to be happy
For a couple weeks now I know I've needed to update my blog, but things were just happening that I didn't feel I had anything to share, until today.
While at work, laughing, having a good time, I realized how happy I am. This was brought to my attention when one of my co-workers came up to me and said "Rainey," (yeah, my uniform still has that name...) he said, "Rainey, stop being so happy and cheery all the time! Be like the rest of us!" Naturally that made me laugh more.
Later I was texting a friend and he made the comment that my happiness is infectious and that I make people feel good. (I was quite flattered because all I do is try to be happy!)
I had another friend point out my optimism in this, what should be, a really BAD time in life. And looking at everything, it really should be. I moved away from most of my family and all my friends, I'm going through a divorce that is turning pretty ugly, I don't get to deploy as early as I want to, I'm pretty much broke all the time!
Rather than looking at it that way however, I prefer to see the silver linings. Sure, I moved away, but I'm meeting some AMAZING new friends and developing a new, strong family in the Army, as well as being close to my amazing blood relatives in Denver (who by the way, I've seen more in one month than I Have the last six years.) Yeah, the divorce is bad, but I'm getting a whole clean slate! Because out of this, I realized I deserve SOOOO much better! I deserve someone I can laugh everyday with, that I'm excited to come home to, someone who I can talk to about anything, someone who shows me chivalry isn't dead! Yeah, I have standards now, and they're pretty high! I realized out of this, that not only do I deserve better, I CAN DO better! So my brigade is JUST coming home from a deployment which means I won't be going overseas until at least 2015. Yeah, I'm SUPER bummed about it, however, that means I get a few extra years here, close to family, my new friends, and who knows what'll blossom in the span of two and a half years! As for the broke thing...well, that'll change with promotions! For now, I have a roof over my head, food on my table, gas in my tank, and LOTS of love!
Sure, there are days where it's incredibly difficult to stay positive. Work sucks, I'm broke, I worry about how long I'll get to stay in, I get extra duty, but honestly, life is damn good! It's taking a lot of self-reflection, but honestly, I am so lucky, happy and blessed, and I have a feeling it's just going to keep on getting better everyday!
P.S. These are the songs that currently make my day the second they come on. I hope they bring smiles to your faces and a little groove in your step (and no...no special meaning or deep thoughts, just songs to get us through the days):
While at work, laughing, having a good time, I realized how happy I am. This was brought to my attention when one of my co-workers came up to me and said "Rainey," (yeah, my uniform still has that name...) he said, "Rainey, stop being so happy and cheery all the time! Be like the rest of us!" Naturally that made me laugh more.
Later I was texting a friend and he made the comment that my happiness is infectious and that I make people feel good. (I was quite flattered because all I do is try to be happy!)
I had another friend point out my optimism in this, what should be, a really BAD time in life. And looking at everything, it really should be. I moved away from most of my family and all my friends, I'm going through a divorce that is turning pretty ugly, I don't get to deploy as early as I want to, I'm pretty much broke all the time!
Rather than looking at it that way however, I prefer to see the silver linings. Sure, I moved away, but I'm meeting some AMAZING new friends and developing a new, strong family in the Army, as well as being close to my amazing blood relatives in Denver (who by the way, I've seen more in one month than I Have the last six years.) Yeah, the divorce is bad, but I'm getting a whole clean slate! Because out of this, I realized I deserve SOOOO much better! I deserve someone I can laugh everyday with, that I'm excited to come home to, someone who I can talk to about anything, someone who shows me chivalry isn't dead! Yeah, I have standards now, and they're pretty high! I realized out of this, that not only do I deserve better, I CAN DO better! So my brigade is JUST coming home from a deployment which means I won't be going overseas until at least 2015. Yeah, I'm SUPER bummed about it, however, that means I get a few extra years here, close to family, my new friends, and who knows what'll blossom in the span of two and a half years! As for the broke thing...well, that'll change with promotions! For now, I have a roof over my head, food on my table, gas in my tank, and LOTS of love!
Sure, there are days where it's incredibly difficult to stay positive. Work sucks, I'm broke, I worry about how long I'll get to stay in, I get extra duty, but honestly, life is damn good! It's taking a lot of self-reflection, but honestly, I am so lucky, happy and blessed, and I have a feeling it's just going to keep on getting better everyday!
P.S. These are the songs that currently make my day the second they come on. I hope they bring smiles to your faces and a little groove in your step (and no...no special meaning or deep thoughts, just songs to get us through the days):
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