For the last, I'd say, five or six years of my life, I've been trying to live my life with no regrets. A "what's done is done" type attitude. Something clicked tonight though, something saying "holy s**t Cara, why on Earth didn't you do that?" Or "why on Earth didn't you tell so and so this!" I try to live with no regrets, but I admit it, there are a few things in life I DO wonder and wish I could change.
I think my top regret in life is never sitting down with my grandpa (who died when I was about one) or my Poppop (who passed when I was in 5th grade) and really learning their life lessons. Not to sound cliche, but I feel like, whenever you hear a country song about life's lessons, it's usually learned from a grandfather of some sort. Sure, I learn some of the things they both taught my parents, but it's not the same as getting to that age, they hand you your first beer and say "let's have a talk!" I want to know how my Poppop worked two jobs, went to school full time and raised a family. I want to know what kept my grandpa's will going when he was working the beat in Minneapolis. I want to know what it was like in WWII to miss home SO bad, and not be able to skype, call, even write at times. I want to know how they loved their families so deeply until their last day. These are things I won't ever know, well, not in this world at least.
My next regret, is I have never learned to be vulnerable. I feel like since I've been young I've had to be tough. Did you know, I didn't cry at my poppop's funeral, my nana's funeral, or my wedding. The first two, maybe I was just too young to understand at that point. But at a wedding, MY wedding, most people shed tears of joy. By not allowing myself that vulnerability, not only did I GET to miss expressing my heartache at the passing of my grandparents (which, just because I didn't show emotion didn't mean a part of me didn't that day with them), but I missed the JOY, the tears of joy, the ones you see and you say "wow, that person is SO happy!" How awful is that? I do my best not to show sorrow, but while working so hard at that, I've taken away being able to fully show happiness and love to everyone around me.
Another regret is that I didn't learn to speak up for myself and others until very recently. I look back at high school. There were a lot of jack asses, I'm not gonna lie. This last year I've been growing as a person. Learning what I need in life, and going after it. I've also been learning to be a better friend (and I'm going to continue to work on this every day!) In this upcoming year, I want to learn to be the best soldier I can be, which means taking care of my battle buddies. I want to be the one who goes into battle with any one of them, knowing I've always got their 6. To stand up for the ones who won't stand up for themselves. I want to be that soldier who others know, will not only get the job done, but knows that I will always be in their corner.
Finally, I regret not learning to be on my own until much later in life. Not only being on my own, but living my life the way I know I should have been living it. I've depended on people for so long, for support emotionally, physically, financially, you name it. I was living my life to please others. I'm still just trying to figure out what I want and what I need in life. It's a whole other leg of this journey, and one that I'm excited to take.
So, life will be filled with regrets. It's how you use them that matters. The adventure is in the attempt. Embrace possibility. Sometimes you'll fail, sometimes you'll succeed. Sometimes you're going to mess up and you're going to say "why didn't it...." No more what if's. It's time to learn new lessons, embrace old experiences and always be building new memories, because someday, you're going to give your grandchild that first beer and say "let's have a chat...."
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