This weekend I had a visit from my past. A past that I thought I was over, that I had moved on with. I was even looking forward to reliving my past and catching up. Sometimes you have the hopes that maybe, just maybe, you'll get all those happy times back.
Unfortunately, it didn't end well. As a matter of fact, it ended quite badly. After a day of wondering what I did wrong, what I could have done to change things, I decided to go out with a friend for Queso and Margaritas! Today, I had a mimosa brunch with some wonderful ladies, and lunch with a great guy and his adorable daughter. When I got home, something clicked. While I really wanted things to be how they were, the fun, the laughter the good times, longing for the past was not going to allow me to enjoy my future. Being mad and sad and depressed, was going to keep me from having a good time with those I was with in the present!
Sometimes our perspective of the past is tinted with rose colored glasses. We see the beauty we had and we forget the ugly. We forget we were treated with disrespect. We want to remember the happy, not the sad.
Of course this is a very natural thing. I mean, who really wants to remember the bad parts? Certainly not me. But sometimes we have to look at those bad things, not as something we ever want to go back to, but as something we need to learn from.
So that's what I'm doing. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, unfortunately, shame on me this time. However, rather than dwelling much longer (we all have the right to feel down every once and a while, don't get me wrong) but rather than longing for something that was never there, it's time to focus on the future again. Careers, friends, family and love!
I wish there was some poetic way of concluding these thoughts, but really there's not. Pretty much, all the pain we go through is for a reason. It's a lesson of what we need out of life, and what we want. So rather than longing for the past, look to the past, and make your future better!
You know I love to inspire people. It's the reason I write this blog and it's one of my main reasons for getting up in the morning. I love making people smile, and I love giving them reasons to keep on with their goals and lives!
Talking to a battle buddy today, she was very upset. She was upset because her boy left her. As females, we know how that feels. We know what it's like to have our heart broken in two and feel like we will NEVER find that special someone. (I know guys feel that way too, but women tend to wear their emotions on their sleeves more...) She asked me how I went on, how I stayed strong when my heart was breaking. I told her it takes work, and it does. But as I was watching the movie I was at, and the lead female needed the male to succeed in her goals, it made me wonder, why do we rely so heavily upon someone else for our happiness and to measure our success?
I know so many males who are content to sit in a room alone for hours, even days if you'd let them. I was sitting at home today on my couch alone and I felt like the biggest loser ever! It's silly I know, but for some reason I did. The way the female mind is wired, I think, is we are at our best when we're multi-tasking and doing more than one thing at a time. We feel we need to be surrounded by people, at least a person, to feel content. (That's just my amateur Freud moment) The same idea as to why we need to go to the bathroom in pairs! If we're alone, we must be lonely.
But back to my "for the girls" topic. Ladies, here's the deal. Since I've been in the Army, I've met some of the most amazing women, ever! However, I've also met the type that will completely tear you down just to get ahead. We, as a gender, already have a stigma against us. We're not as capable, we're not as good and we shouldn't be doing a "man's" job. Okay, there are some jobs more suited towards the male gender, I won't lie. It's simple that males TEND to be stronger than females. However, we get torn down all the time, it's time we start helping each other. We need to be there for each other, to lift each other up. We can show the world (again) that we're just as awesome! Stop comparing ourselves, and share our strengths with each other.
As for the male thing that got this started... I'm not turning this into an anti male, go femanazi type blog. Because I like them, okay I love them. I truly believe in soul mates and I believe that having that special someone, really does make us happier. I'm also a firm believer in being partners in life, rather than subordinates. I believe that we should ride side by side, not one behind each other. There's the saying "behind every good man, is a good woman." I'm going to beg to differ. I believe behind a strong man or woman, is a companion who will stand next to them through any situation.
I also think before we can really love someone, like truly fall in love, we have to fall in love with ourselves. SO cliche, I know, but it's really true. If you don't learn what your passions are in life, if you keep putting yourself on the back burner, you'll never know what you really need. You need to love yourself!
How do you do that you may ask? Well that one is totally up to you. Finding out how to love you is an endless battle but one, if you haven't started, I suggest you do it. For me? I'm going to be on this path for a long time. Before I started even liking myself, I was struggling. We all get to that breaking point of "I need to do something..." For me it was a few weeks ago and life was throwing me a lot of curve balls, knuckles balls and any other awful pitch you can think of. For about one week, I cried every night. I got mad at the world and I questioned life! Then the weekend came up and I locked myself in my apartment and prayed really hard. The following week I realized, I had been living my life to "find a mate" shall we say. I had lost everything I gained before I left for basic training. I lost my love of fitness, of being healthy, I lost my confidence and simply being positive about life. I realized that week, I needed to learn to be again. Do what makes ME happy.
Like I said, you have to take your journey. It might be like mine, it might not be, but I do know that as females we love hard. We take things personally. We think of every worst senerio possible. We tend to put ourselves second (or third, or fourth, or fifth!) We think if we're not doing everything perfect, we've failed. It's time to stop thinking like that. It's time to find that passion for life again.
My final thought on this matter is don't be afraid to dream big and love deep. We're so afraid to get hurt we hold back. Live in the moment, we only get so many.
If you take ANYTHING from this, here's what I hope. I hope you learn to help and love each other, rather than bring each other down. I hope you learn how to love life, how to love yourself. I hope you really appreciate everyday that you wakeup and smile and know the world is a better place because you're in it! (And to the girls with broken hearts, know that you're going to be fine. You're strong, you're capable, you're awesome. If anyone makes you feel otherwise, obviously they weren't right and didn't deserve the love and support you brought. Don't let it get you down!)
So I just wrote a pretty good blog, I won't lie. It was about goals and spring time and all that...stuff. I think it's time to change the tune a little bit. I love being able to inspire all of you but I thought I'd share with you who inspires me. I get the question "Cara, how do you do it? How do you keep so uplifted all the time?" Really thinking about this I realized that my biggest source of inspiration and strength comes from my family.
My family is probably the greatest. Yeah, we have our squables but what family doesn't? Let me start with the two who raised me and my sister. My mom and dad instilled in a us a sense of worth, a sense of pride and personal strength. They never pointed out our weaknesses, rather brought out our strengths and encouraged us to push our limits, no matter what it was!
My parents believed that my sister and I could do whatever we wanted and be whatever we believed. I remember so many conversations with my mom discussing what my future held. At one point I was determined to be a children's book author. Another time I was going to be an astronomer because we sat for hours outside looking at the constellations. My mom is the type of woman who can be so sweet and the kindest woman EVER. But if you cross her (like running in the halls at church...oh boy!) then BOOM....that high school English teacher came out like a cat pouncing. It was awesome! I was embarrased at the time, but now I find myself yelling "GENTLEMEN, WALK" when I'm out somewhere! (And yeah, I so got the tone down!)
My Dad. Some would classify me as a Daddy's girl and they are probably right. We spent our summers going to see the MN Twins, see movies, going to Valley Fair, hell we even made Grocery shopping an adventure (you should have seen the looks we got going through the frozen sections!) When I was sick, nothing made me feel better than a daddy hug. Even though he was a man, he taught me what it meant to be a strong female. He coached women's basketball, took me to Lynx games, introduced me to women in politics. He wanted me to grow up and knowing that whether it was being a soldier in the military or a stay at home mom, it was because it was my choice to do so, not because society said I had to live a certain way.
Finally, my sister. Okay, so when we were growing up we didn't get along...at all. I don't think you've met two people more different from the same family. Even people who meet us now don't think we're sisters. But I must say, we both have a strong passion for life and love. We care about the people we meet (sometimes maybe too much!) She chose a different route than I did. My sister, if I had to say one thing about her that I admire most and would love to learn from, is her mom-ness. When August was born was SO protective of him, and I get why. But as he's been growing and I've had to watch him grow up from a distance, I'm learning that her heart is SO full of love for that boy. She teaches him about the world. She doesn't hide him from the dark side but she teaches him how to deal with it. I admire everything about my sister. I can only hope someday to be half the mom and half the woman my sister is.
So...that's my family. We're weird. We play crazy games at holidays that sometimes turn violent. We laugh for hours. Our dinners have last WELL into the night simply because we like to sit and talk to each other. Our family vacations consisted of road trips, lots of fighting, soggy sandwiches, warm fruit and travel BINGO (including birds on a wire and BUFFALO!)
My childhood was typical, but as I meet new people and learn about people's upbringing, I must say, I now know that I was SO lucky in the way I was raised. Two loving parents (who still give up everything for us) and a sister who has become one of my best friends. They say you can't choose your family, but given the chance, I wouldn't change mine in any way!
About two weeks ago now, the soldiers of C 2/60th at Ft. Jackson South Carolina lost a battle buddy. He took his own life, and I know this will be the first of what is the unfortunate part of military life. It's hard saying goodbye when someone deploys, or PCS' or just separates from the Army. However, this goodbye is a long time temporary one. I know I'll get to see everyone who passes again someday, but it really makes you think about the short time we have on this planet.
I don't know what hit me tonight, or who is guiding me while I write this, but something came over me. Suddenly it hit me that this life is SO short. While it goes against all human nature to do things that scare us, imagine what kind of world we'd be in if we all took a chance. Told people HOW we really feel. Took that step at work that we're not sure is right but we think it is. We do that sky dive or travel to that land that we want to see, but aren't really sure if we should. Imagine your life now if ten years ago you took a crazy leap, where would you be?
When our risks don't see the rewards we want, it's hard to try again. It's hard to say "Okay, I put myself out there, I failed, but there is a reason I did." Rejection is one of those human emotions that will case anyone to crawl back into a shell and turn out the world. And, it's going to happen, because that's life. But, if we keep living our lives in fear, we may never know why we're here on this Earth for the short amount of time we are.
Taking chances in life is scary, I understand this more than anyone.
But what I've learned is the greatest things in life come from that push
inside of us. That voice daring us, that little voice in the back saying "seriously, you need to do this!" Don't be scared to fail. Yes, it'll happen, but don't let that stop you. If your courage comes from your heart, head, gut, soul, wherever, LISTEN TO IT! Don't be scared, take that chance. Go for that new job. Go for that person's heart. Don't stop until you know you've given every chance....don't be scared!
In the movie "We Bought a Zoo," while the movie itself is sub-par it has an amazing line in it: "You know, sometimes all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage. Just,
literally, 20 seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you,
something great will come of it"
Have courage and have faith. Have courage to take that step...no, that leap to do something that terrifies you, and have faith that, while it may not be what you think, or turn out how you plan, it absolutely will turn out how it should.
Keep it strong my friends.
"Pearls don't lie on the seashore, if you want one, you must dive for it." - Chinese proverb
"Do the one thing you think you cannot do. Fail at it. Try again. Do
better the second time. The only people who never tumble are those who
never mount the high wire. This is your moment. Own it." -Oprah Winfrey
"Always go with your passions. Never ask yourself if it’s realistic or not." Deepak Chopra
"You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them
looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow
connect in your future. You have to trust in something – your gut,
destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and
it has made all the difference in my life." Steve Jobs
And finally, I find this song very fitting right now:
In the last couple days, I've had several friend approach me, quite upset. When I asked what was wrong, it was one situation or another, however the one thing they all had in common was that someone had betrayed their trust. You see, trust can be the strongest bond any two people can share, however, I promise you, it is as fragil as a butterfly in a hurricane. Once that trust is broken and gone, there is no going back, and I think that's what makes it such a scary emotion.
Whether it's friends or romantic partnerships, relationships are based on certain values that connect you to each other. Trust, communication, respect, commitment, support, risk and progression. (These are my top 7 at least) Think about your past relationships. Think about your "now" relationships. Think about the best ones, the strongest ones and think about the ones that might not be the healthiest. For me, the healthiest of them all have a firm base based upon trust. Like I said, it is what I consider to be the base of any healthy relationship. My problem used to be that I trusted very easily. I kept my heart open, I shared my thoughts and feelings and many people took advantage of that. So, rather than beating a dead horse, I simply stopped trusting. When I ask a question to people, all I ask for is honesty because that's what I give them, 100%.
Here's where my personal delema comes in. Even if what is told to me is the truth, unless it hurts me, I don't believe it. That sounds weird and probably a little bit jacked up, and I know it does, but it's what my conscious is telling me. If you run into a tree branch and get scratched, odds are you're gonna be a little bit more careful through the woods next time. Tread lightly as you will. However, you run through the forest come out the other side and you're broken, bleeding, scratched and in pain, odds are your view of those woods will be bleak and you're going to try to avoid it, and the pain, at all costs. Well, that's how I feel about trust. And right now I'm standing on the edge of that woodline looking in. Do I trust me enough, do I trust my gut and do I follow my heart? Damn those woods. As any good blogger will tell you, find a cultural reference. I was catching up on my DVR this morning and NCIS came on, and my future ex-husband Gibbs was on speaking about his rules. I love Gibbs' rules and ironically, for a man who trusts his gutt more than people, his wise words echo throughout TV Land. So here are a couple of Gibbs' rules that are so fitting:
Rule 40: If it seems like someone's out to get you, they are. Rule 42: Don't ever accept an apology from someone that just sucker-punched you. And I think most importantly for this situation: Rule 51: Sometimes - you're wrong I'm not saying don't trust people, because without trust there really is nothing. Opening up my heart was one of my most important New Years Promises to me, and unfortunately that means learning to trust again. The thought scares the hell out of me because I've felt the pain, as have all of you. However, if I follow my gut, and truly believe the world is a beautiful place, I'm ready to clear that path through the woods....
I was in my class today, and it was about 15 minutes before heading
out to lunch. I got a text message from my Sgt informing me that I was
voluntold to do the Fort Carson "i-heart challenge." At first I was
insulted. Yeah, I didn't make weight, but I made tape! I've been slowly
making process on my goals and it was almost like a slap in the face.
Then I remembered my lenten goal...to look at every situation as a
learning experience rather than a punishment. So that's the mindset I'm
taking.
When I got there, I got my height and weight,
typical. Then I found out the rewards. I found out that there is a $550
dollar award for the winner. $320 (or something like that) for 2nd, and
top male and female winners also get a prize. While the money is
great, my personal goal is even better. In December I am going to Las
Vegas for my 30th birthday. I feel like a lot of people go through a
"phase" with this birthday. You're no longer at that age where people
look at you as young. You should be at the point of settling down, doing
the whole "family" thing and big life changes. Solid in a career and a
home life! It's 30!
Not looking at these pressures,
I'm going to go in style!! I am going to be the fittest I've ever been.
I have a look in mind I want. I want to walk down those streets and
KNOW I'm awesome! I want to know that finally, my outside matches
everything I am inside. Basically, my goal is to be "the whole
package!" (I know, "they" always say do things for yourself. Lose weight
for YOU. Love yourself first, etc. And while I agree 1000% that you
should, having someone you want to be awesome for, is also a MAJOR push in the right direction! We all know we do it! Don't judge me!)
In
the last couple months, I've been lacking a few things, and one of them
is true inspiration. For some reason, the song "Looking for Love in
all the Wrong Places..." is going through my head, but put in
"inspiration" over "love" and you've got my life! I've been turning to
things that seem to have been doing more harm than help. When I was
first trying to join the military, I had my Hot Moms, my family and of
course a REAL goal! Now finally, I'm refinding my inspiration!
I
have found a group of people who are going to push me to new levels
because they believe in me. I have a real goal of the 30th anniversary
of my birth, and I have a method of doing it! I have finally found my
combination again of my perffect inspiration!! I haven't been this
excited and this ready to go in a long time!
June 8th
is the deadline for the "i-heart challenge" and December 3rd is my 30th
birthday. I have the outfit I want to wear, I have the reward I'm going
to spoil myself with and finally, I have found all the right inspiration
in all the right places!
Now, time to start this journey....who's coming with me?!?
I suppose you're thinking, "well, if there are no words, why on Earth is she writing a blog about it?"
Let me compare these feelings to a certain cultural reference. You know those commercials that are like "Pens, 4 dollars. Notebook, 2dollars. Words to say everything you feel, priceless!" Well, that's how this particular blog is going to go. Somehow, I'm going to express my unexpressable words!
Today, I'm feeling betrayed. I'm feeling hurt. I'm feeling heart broken. Have you ever opened up to anyone, left yourself vulnerable? So open in fact, that with merely a few words, you feel like the world is crashing down around you!? Okay, so maybe that's a little dramatic but it does hurts bad.
What I guess I'm trying to get at is, in the last 24 hours, I've been rejected by someone who I thought cared, loved even. A someone who I opened myself up to, only to get torn down pretty hard. With all the crap I went through with Colin, the constant rejection, the lack of time, the words that can never be taken back, I thought I was ready to go again. Good as gold. I left my heart open because I thought it would help it heal. I was wrong. I opened my heart only for it to get hurt all over again.
However,(here's the part I like and the part I hope you focus on) like every situation I go through in life, I use it as a learning tool. Here's what I learned with this. While right now, it hurts, and it hurts a lot, you know what? Life will go on. And it will go on tomorrow and the next day, and even the next day. The pain will be there, and I'll be reminded constantly of it, however, eventually it will subside.
Not everyone is made for us, no matter how bad we may want them to be. I deserve the best person for me. I DESERVE someone who isn't going to put me in fourth, third or even second place. I want someone who is capable of returning all the love I have to give. Not just when it's easy, but when I'm sick in bed and ugly as a dog on a hot July afternoon. Someone who I can laugh with, go on adventures with and experience life on the SAME path, not parallel roads.
I learned from this experience is that it's okay to open your heart, but it's also okay to be hurt. Life can't always be a bed of a roses. Sometimes going through the hard times will make the times of laughter and love SO much better. It's okay to cry and it's okay to be mad. It's okay to drive so far with your radio blaring so loud you end up at the next state line! It's okay to doubt yourself and mistakes made. IT'S OKAY! You have permission to be hurt.
My final thought, while yeah it sucks now, I appreciate this individual and will forever be grateful to him. Why? Not because I'm sitting up with all these thoughts running through my head that I can't fully express, but because I learned to love again. I thought after Colin, I'd always regret my choices, that I would never be able to actually move on. But what this person did for me was teach me that yeah, it's all going to be just fine. There's someone out there, and like I said in the New Year, I'm going to open my heart up to people, even if it means getting hurt. I guess that's the curse of being a Sagittarius!
While there is no way to say everything I'm feeling, (I don't think Webster himself could help me on this one) all I know, is the love I have to give and am willing to give...is priceless!
(Like any good blog, let's put a soundtrack to the mood!)
Gary Allan can always say it best:
Because yeah, I will be that one (or so we all tell ourselves)
You don't know what you have, until it's not there anymore
And finally, in the end, we always find the strength to carry on:
