For a couple weeks now I know I've needed to update my blog, but things were just happening that I didn't feel I had anything to share, until today.
While at work, laughing, having a good time, I realized how happy I am. This was brought to my attention when one of my co-workers came up to me and said "Rainey," (yeah, my uniform still has that name...) he said, "Rainey, stop being so happy and cheery all the time! Be like the rest of us!" Naturally that made me laugh more.
Later I was texting a friend and he made the comment that my happiness is infectious and that I make people feel good. (I was quite flattered because all I do is try to be happy!)
I had another friend point out my optimism in this, what should be, a really BAD time in life. And looking at everything, it really should be. I moved away from most of my family and all my friends, I'm going through a divorce that is turning pretty ugly, I don't get to deploy as early as I want to, I'm pretty much broke all the time!
Rather than looking at it that way however, I prefer to see the silver linings. Sure, I moved away, but I'm meeting some AMAZING new friends and developing a new, strong family in the Army, as well as being close to my amazing blood relatives in Denver (who by the way, I've seen more in one month than I Have the last six years.) Yeah, the divorce is bad, but I'm getting a whole clean slate! Because out of this, I realized I deserve SOOOO much better! I deserve someone I can laugh everyday with, that I'm excited to come home to, someone who I can talk to about anything, someone who shows me chivalry isn't dead! Yeah, I have standards now, and they're pretty high! I realized out of this, that not only do I deserve better, I CAN DO better! So my brigade is JUST coming home from a deployment which means I won't be going overseas until at least 2015. Yeah, I'm SUPER bummed about it, however, that means I get a few extra years here, close to family, my new friends, and who knows what'll blossom in the span of two and a half years! As for the broke thing...well, that'll change with promotions! For now, I have a roof over my head, food on my table, gas in my tank, and LOTS of love!
Sure, there are days where it's incredibly difficult to stay positive. Work sucks, I'm broke, I worry about how long I'll get to stay in, I get extra duty, but honestly, life is damn good! It's taking a lot of self-reflection, but honestly, I am so lucky, happy and blessed, and I have a feeling it's just going to keep on getting better everyday!
P.S. These are the songs that currently make my day the second they come on. I hope they bring smiles to your faces and a little groove in your step (and no...no special meaning or deep thoughts, just songs to get us through the days):
Everyday, especially since coming to Colorado, I'm discovering new challenges. Life is changing so rapidly, I'm wondering if I'm going to be able to keep up with it for the next twenty years. I learned the answer to that...nope. I will not. However, all these challenges that the world is tossing my way is making me stronger, making me a better soldier, but most importantly, making me a better person.
I received some not wonderful news about a situation I'm in currently. I thought at first, things were going to go smoothly, I'd get my way, paths would be parted and I could move on with life. Alas, that is not going to be the way. When I first got the news of certain changes, I struggled and I struggled hard. I think I went through the 7 stages of grieving in a matter of 12 hours. I was irate at the things that were asked of me. I was depressed thinking I could lose everything I love. I was in the denial thinking it could never happen, etc, etc, etc. However, rather than stopping at acceptance, which is what I always did before joining the Army, I added an 8th step...change it.
Okay, I know in many grieving situations you can't change the outcome. However, in some you can, but no one is willing to do it. I am. Since joining the Army, I am a changed person. Sure things piss me off, sometimes I want to cry (and have once or twice) however, I no longer am putting MY fate in someone else's hands, no way. So, I'm fighting back. I'm not fighting back by getting revenge on this person, rather, I'm fighting back by being happy. I'm fighting back by learning to love again. Love others and love myself (because face it, I'm damn awesome!)
Everyday I get to wake up, in my new home of Colorado, in my own apartment, seeing my new friends, visiting my family, knowing I am loved from all around the world, and suddenly, all my troubles fade away. Maybe they don't fade away but the issues I have are so much easier to deal with and give me something to fight for and be strong for.
There are so many lessons to be learned from every situation. We can look at these hard times as curses or blessings. I choose to see each day as a blessing. While it's hard to go this path alone, well, without a "soulmate" by my side, I'm finding that every move I make is for me. For as long as I can remember, I've always done things for everyone else first, than if there was time, I may have gotten around to me. But when I go to work and try my best, it's because I want a promotion. When I go out with friends and meet new people, it's because I want to make new friends for ME. When I workout, it's because I want to get healthy for me. Hell, when I go grocery shopping, I only think about what my body wants!
Not only am I a doing all these things for what I want, it's for what I need. For the first time in my life, I'm free to make my own decisions, face my own consequences, live my life. For the first time in nearly ten years, I get to be happy because I want to, and I sure as hell deserve to!
As I said earlier, each day that passes life is teaching me something new, about the people around me, my family, my friends and me. However, those who don't learn from history are condemned to repeat it. So, I am grateful for everyday of these last years of my life, because I learned what I deserve. I learned that it's okay to live life for me.
Wow, am I horrible or what? It has been FAR too long since I created a new post, so I must inform you of all this glory that is "The Real Army!"
I graduated AIT, went home for a week and forgot how wonderful it was to see all the people at home. I missed seeing my friends and family and even those I didn't care too much for. Okay, not really, I love everyone I get to see.
So, Thursday morning, I packed up my car, said goodbye to my mom, dad and dogs, and headed off into the sunrise on Highway 5, heading to Colorado!! I managed to get there in 12 hours, only stopping twice for gas. It got a little touchy at the end of Nebraska with my gas, but I made it. I avoided stopping there as much as possible, because seriously, who wants to stop in Nebraska? Exactly, me neither! So, I made it to Colorado!
I started off rocky, forgetting pretty much everything I could possibly need for in processing. Cool, I know, but somehow I managed to get through that process. It was the longest week of my military career yet, and felt SO homesick. I also felt very out of place, like I had no idea what I was doing. There was a reason I felt like that...because I did have no clue.
So I make it through the week, and get introduced to my new unit. I am officially (eh-hem) A Co. 1 STB, 1BDE, 4th ID. Yeah, figure that one out...'cus I'm still working on it! Anyway, it was a difficult start. There were clicks already formed and I was not in them. However, time has passed. Since I've done all the crap tasks with no argument, I'm slowly working my way in!
I've made some really great friends, and kept a couple from basic and AIT. The best part? I've gotten to see my family up in Denver more in this month than I have for I think I have in the last six years! I'm starting to feel that Colorado Springs really has become my home!
As for the job, well, I don't know yet. My brigade is deployed still, so my days consist of sitting around. However in the meantime, I've decided to go back for my Masters Degree! Might as well, eh?
I've had a chance to be a tourist while enjoying my time here too. I can't wait for visitors so I can share with them the joy that is my new home.
I was I could say I was doing some crazy awesome things, but right now, I'm just getting through life. I'm on my first 24 hour CQ duty, and have about 7 hours left...it's gonna be a long 7 hours. But that's all right, I'm SO grateful for everything I have in life right now and the life I'm developing, one day a month, I'll take it!
It's a Sunday afternoon here in Arizona. Only 4 more Sundays left of AIT then I get to leave and head back to Minnesota for a few days. While I'm there, one of my biggest priorities is to get to a Twins game. Now some think I'm crazy, that I love the sport of baseball so much. Many don't understand....unless you're a baseball fan. I call baseball the most romantic sport. Why? Not only because, sitting outside on a cool summer night, the breeze just slightly blowing, a hotdog in hand, sitting with someone special, talking, reminiscing, living the game, is perfect, but because of the amazing history baseball has. My dad always asked me "You know what sets baseball aside from any other sport? It's the only sport without a clock." And it's true, you go to a game because you love it. You're not in a hurry to leave, you're there because you never know when history will be made.
With sociology as my minor, I also love looking at the social aspects of the game. What is going on in baseball, really reflects what's happening in the times outside the stadium. For example, I watched "42" today, the story of Jackie Robinson. While there was hatred for the man, simply because of the color of his skin, his team banded together, stood up for him as a player, and a man. Eventually, so did the rest of the country. You could make the argument that Robinson helped pave the way for the civil rights movement.
Baseball also teaches you about life. There are hundreds of metaphors and literal lessons that can be learned. Everything I do seems to come back, or has the ability to come back around to the game. Here are some of the lessons I take from it, that someday, I'll pass onto my kids:
1. Play as a team. In the Army, I find this is a challenge for so many. Like baseball, there are times when it's on an individual to step up to the plate and hit that home run...or make a sacrifice. Then there's a time when you're in the field and you HAVE to work together. If you don't, you're going to have errors.
2. Keep your eye on the ball. Any goal we set for ourselves is attainable. If it wasn't it wouldn't even be a thought in our mind. However, what people forget, is to reach that goal, you need to keep focusing on it. You have to want it so bad, that when you make contact, you hit it out of the park! You not only achieve your goal, you NAIL it! The best part? As soon as you hit that home run, you get another chance next inning to do it again! Never stop dreaming of hitting that ball. However, we will strike out sometimes, it's part of the game and it's part of life. It's when you strike out and refuse to go up again, that you fail. Did you know Babe Ruth is #95 in all time strikeouts, with 1,330 times? It's true, but he never quit.
3. Get your foot off the bag. So many times you see players getting a huge lead off. This is always a risky move, because you're just never sure what that pitcher is thinking. However, sometimes in life you have to take risks, you have to go for that lead. Sometimes taking that risk is what will win the game. Be smart about it, but don't ever be afraid.
4. Get dirty. As much as I love seeing the crisp, clean uniforms, when you see dirt and grass stains all over those uniforms, you KNOW that player gave their all. They put their heart and soul into every catch out in left! Don't be afraid to put your blood, sweat and tears into something you're passionate about. If you give it your all everytime, you're going to be great.
5. If you're going to go down, go down swinging. You're going to strike out, deal with it. We fail sometimes, it's called life. However, if you're going to strike out, don't do it by simply letting the ball fly past you. Try for it, and try hard! Do something! Don't just stand there!
6. Life isn't always fair. I cannot tell you how many times I've been at a game when an umpire is calling strikes when it's clearly outside, or called someone safe when obviously they were out. Yes, life isn't fair, deal with it and move on. Most times, they player will get up, and move on. When it's your team, it seems like all the bad calls are on your. However, as it is with life, it always evens itself out. Again, life isn't fair. It's going to through you curve balls and strikes, but in the end, it will balance itself out.
7. Hard work is just as important as talent. Some just have natural talent for the sport, but that doesn’t mean they
don’t have to work or that the person who doesn’t have as much natural
talent won’t be more of an asset to the team. Hard work is more important if you ask me. If you want something you have to work for it. Sometimes you have to stop and ask, "how bad do you want it, and how hard are you willing to work for it?" If you want something bad enough, you'll work everyday for it. In the end, the hard work will pay off.
8. The art of losing. I admit it, I’m a little on the competitive side. Everything I do is a
competition and I don’t like being second place. However, losing isn’t
always a bad thing. It teaches you how not to be a sore loser. It teaches you to be humble. There is always a winner and a loser and if you’re smart, you’ll find
the lessons in losing. What went wrong? What could be better? What do
you need to work on? If you can get real with yourself and learn from
those mistakes, you’ll only come back stronger!
9. Sometimes it's all about the sacrifice. Sure, we all want that Grand Slam and to see our team mates come running
out of the dugout to great us and the fans stand up and cheer, but
sometimes what the team needs is a sacrifice. He wants you to bunt knowing that you will most likely get
out but that runner on third needs to come home. It’s not always about
us and what we want, sometimes we need to sacrifice for the good of
others or our team. Life is about sacrifice.
10. Finally, have fun. Whatever you do in life you have to love it. Passion is what makes life worth living. Baseball, like life, is a game. Through it all you’ll have good times and tough
times but you must have fun and love what you do or it’s not worth it.
Find what you are passionate about and go after it. Life is too short
to not enjoy every moment.
Every year I look forward to spring training, because I know SOON, I'll be able to be back at that park, the breeze in my hair, hotdog in hand and lucky hat on my head, cheer for my MN Twins
So it has been a few months since I wrote last and oh my gosh, how life has changed a million times.
It's now been a LONG time since I started this journey. So, here's a quick recap of the last 5 years of my life:
I was big. Really big. I had a goal. I met that goal. And now, the story goes on...
Four months ago I left my cozy home in Chanhassen Minnesota for the world of the Army. I got to basic training and what a trip that was! I went to Fort Jackson, South Carolina and met some people I am so fortunate to call life long battle buddies. Adjusting to all the yelling was hard, but obviously I survived. It was not nearly as challenging as I thought it would be. PT in the morning was meh, it was those long marches carrying the weapons ALLLL day that really sucked. I learned a lot though, about me and what I could take and just how much I really loved the Army. The ten weeks went by so quickly, I felt like I blinked and they were gone. What I missed most: music! Whenever we got onto the buses that took us to places, and the radio was on, oh my it was a little bit of heaven. The obstacle courses were fun! It was a lot of team building which in itself was a blast. I wish I could recap the whole ten weeks, but that would be pretty much impossible. The thing I took out most from it, is the fact that I was able to do it. When I started this thing at 266 pounds, if you told me I'd make it through basic training, I'd laugh. When I marched on that field on graduation day, I was SO damn proud!
I'm now in the middle of my next step, AIT. The information we're learning isn't necessarily hard, there is just SO much of it! Intelligence is fun field, and there are a lot of people who don't like it, but I'm good with it. Like everything I've learned on this journey, it's all what you make of it. I'm not the smartest in class, I'm not the strongest and fastest at PT, but I'll be damned if I don't have a lot of heart. I worked for over four years to get here. And like my friend said to me before I left, during these next few months, it won't always feel like a dream, and I'm going to want to give up, but remember it's what I worked for. Since I've been here, life at home has been difficult which is putting a strain on my classes, but like my mentor said, I'm here to train, I'm here to be the best I can be at my job and nothing else really matters. I've already been setting goals for myself for beyond the TRADOC life. I'd love to get into counter Intel. It's a lot of work, and I've already started studying for it. The other thing I've been taking from this whole experience is the concept of integrity. I've always held myself to a high standard for honesty, but now I'm holding everyone else to my level. (Sorry people!) Unfortunately, because of this concept, I'm going to be seeing a lot of world with just my dog. Life is throwing me curve ball after curve ball and I'm learning to go with it. Sometimes the hardest thing to do in life is start over. Okay, not sometimes, the hardest thing in life IS starting over. 10 years ago, if you came up to me and said "Cara, you're going to be in the Army, with a strong career, true battle buddies that have your back and a life you love," I would have laughed. I never realized how unhappy I was until I got here.
What's next? Well, I'm headed to Colorado for the next three years of my life! I'm heading to 4th ID, 1st battalion! I am SO excited to start this life. I'll be a couple hours from blood family and a friend I've known my whole life! I'm going to be with a battle buddy from basic, and my battle boo from here in AIT! Life is just beginning!
Sure, change is scary. My platoon sgt told us tonight "I don't even know where home is anymore," and that's a scary thought. However, in basic we had a Drill Sgt who reiterated daily "Home is where you hang your hat." Yesterday my hat was in South Carolina, today it's in Arizona, tomorrow will be Colorado. Every place I've gone has become home, not because it's where I sleep, or even where I hang my hat, but because I've learned that the Army is a big family, and home is where your heart is. My heart is with the Army. I love this life, and right now, there is nothing I'd change about it.
Three and a half years ago I started this blog to document my journey thinking it may never end. Now I sit here writing my final blog before I leave for basic training and start my life as a soldier.
I've gained friendship, love, a new respect for me and others, and most importantly I've found the confidence to follow my dream and hopefully inspired you to do the same.
Thank you everyone for all your support, your love, you confidence your prayers and for being strong WITH me!
So for now I say, Happy trails my loves, until we meet again...
I was sitting talking to a friend the other day and we ended up talking about friendship. I started thinking about all the people I've met in these last four years. Many have come, some have gone, but ALL of them have taught me many many lessons.
The first lesson I learned was about distance. Over these last four years, I've lost a couple because they said we simply do not talk enough, we don't see each other enough, and it's as if I don't care. If that really is the way I made people feel, I am truly sorry. However, I have a friend who I would lay down my life for, who I would drop everything for and simply would trust my life to. However, I see her MAYBE once a month, and now, it's going to be a lot less. This woman is someone I have known for years!! Then I stop and think, and I realized, there are at least two friends I can think of that I would put in this classification. I know that I'm not going to get to talk to them much in these next 6 months, however, the lesson I took from these two, is no matter how far apart, or how little I get to see them, a true friend will always be there! As humans we mess up, and no matter how hard we try, we aren't perfect, but friends take you no matter which way you come!
My second lesson came from the most unexpected place. A group of women that I have SO little in common with, yet consider them friends for life. They've taught me a most valuable lesson, that we all are supposed to learn when we're little: never judge a book by its cover. When Norm came up to me and said "I have a bootcamp class, they're a bunch of moms" I thought "Oh...great...suburban housewives." Whoa, was I wrong. This group is a whole mess of strong thinkers, strong willed, BEYOND caring, sometimes to a fault, genuine, sweet, funny, and I think if I pulled out the dictionary next to the word "amazing" would be a picture of this group.I feel bad now saying I ever had any prejudice towards the thought of moms (I know it sounds silly, it's just one of those things.) It was simply something I never understood and I've had the opportunity to change my whole mindset. Because of them, I've gotten to see a whole different side to life.
There are things I've learned from so many other people, too.
- I've learned that it's okay to fail, it's how you handle it is what counts.
- I know it's all right to let go a bit, and not have to be the tough one ALL the time.
- The most important thing in life, is to make yourself number one, and TRULY believe it. If you don't care for you, you can't help anyone else.
- Being religious and being spiritual are okay. Religion isn't always a bad thing. Having faith that someone is watching over you is very comforting.
- Stop comparing yourself to others. Ignore their lives on Facebook, most of the time it isn't true (or greatly exaggerated to make us think things are perfect!) Besides, everyone is different! Their goals are probably not the same as yours, So the only person you should be comparing yourself to, is you!
- Accept love and accept help. Most of the time, the two are connected. The ones who want to help you the most are the ones who love you the most.
- Never assume anything. You don't know where your next blessing can come from, or how it may appear. So many times we don't realize it until it has passed, either.
- Don't take one moment for granted. At merely a week to go, I'm learning to appreciate, enjoy and embrace every moment I have with the people I love. Sit, talk, laugh, cry, learn from each other.
- Last, but I think one of the most important, never, ever, EVER NEVER give up! No matter what your dream is. No matter who thinks you are crazy for it, if it's what you want, don't let anyone tell you no! Every person has the will, the desire and the drive to follow their dreams! Maybe it takes a month, maybe four years maybe longer. But look deep and what you've always dreamed of, and DO IT!!! I KNOW YOU CAN! If no one else believes in you, I do! I understand, but more importantly, I know you can!
These last four years, I've learned SO much from so many different people from EVERY walk of life! These next few months are going to push me to levels I've never seen, but because I know I've learned what I have, I know I'll take all these lessons I've learned and become an even better soldier!
