Living life for me

Everyday, especially since coming to Colorado, I'm discovering new challenges.  Life is changing so rapidly, I'm wondering if I'm going to be able to keep up with it for the next twenty years.  I learned the answer to that...nope. I will not.  However, all these challenges that the world is tossing my way is making me stronger, making me a better soldier, but most importantly, making me a better person.

I received some not wonderful news about a situation I'm in currently.  I thought at first, things were going to go smoothly, I'd get my way, paths would be parted and I could move on with life. Alas, that is not going to be the way.  When I first got the news of certain changes, I struggled and I struggled hard.  I think I went through the 7 stages of grieving in a matter of 12 hours. I was irate at the things that were asked of me. I was depressed thinking I could lose everything I love. I was in the denial thinking it could never happen, etc, etc, etc. However, rather than stopping at acceptance, which is what I always did before joining the Army, I added an 8th step...change it.

Okay, I know in many grieving situations you can't change the outcome. However, in some you can, but no one is willing to do it.  I am.  Since joining the Army, I am a changed person. Sure things piss me off, sometimes I want to cry (and have once or twice) however, I no longer am putting MY fate in someone else's hands, no way. So, I'm fighting back.  I'm not fighting back by getting revenge on this person, rather, I'm fighting back by being happy. I'm fighting back by learning to love again. Love others and love myself (because face it, I'm damn awesome!)

Everyday I get to wake up, in my new home of Colorado, in my own apartment, seeing my new friends, visiting my family, knowing I am loved from all around the world, and suddenly, all my troubles fade away.  Maybe they don't fade away but the issues I have are so much easier to deal with and give me something to fight for and be strong for.

There are so many lessons to be learned from every situation. We can look at these hard times as curses or blessings.  I choose to see each day as a blessing.  While it's hard to go this path alone, well, without a "soulmate" by my side, I'm finding that every move I make is for me.  For as long as I can remember, I've always done things for everyone else first, than if there was time, I may have gotten around to me.  But when I go to work and try my best, it's because I want a promotion.  When I go out with friends and meet new people, it's because I want to make new friends for ME.  When I workout, it's because I want to get healthy for me. Hell, when I go grocery shopping, I only think about what my body wants!

Not only am I a doing all these things for what I want, it's for what I need.  For the first time in my life, I'm free to make my own decisions, face my own consequences, live my life. For the first time in nearly ten years, I get to be happy because I want to, and I sure as hell deserve to!

As I said earlier, each day that passes life is teaching me something new, about the people around me, my family, my friends and me.   However, those who don't learn from history are condemned to repeat it.  So, I am grateful for everyday of these last years of my life, because I learned what I deserve. I learned that it's okay to live life for me.